


The Selfishness of Our Hearts - A Year in The Life.

by sarajinki



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2020-09-23 18:21:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 65,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20344612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarajinki/pseuds/sarajinki
Summary: The heart has chosen but is it strong enough to face the obstacles along the way?





	1. A great way to start the year.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow-up to The Selfishness of Our Hearts 
> 
> If you haven't read it, please do first lol. 
> 
> This story will follow them during a year.
> 
> The original story is something that I'm so proud of so I hope I don't mess this up. Please give me any feedback by commenting!!
> 
> Enjoy~

_'' It's the most wonderful time of the yeeeaar_

_There'll be much mistletoeing _

_And hearts will be glowing_

_When loved ones are neeeaar _

_It's the most wonderful tim- _

The car fell into a dead silence as Jonghyun turned the radio off. He crossed his arms purposely, the level of annoyance inside him reaching a new height. '' Why the fuck do they still play that song? Christmas is over, '' he grumbled without shame.

'' Um, because it's the Holidays... '' calmly responded the one driving the car. Jinki gave a quick look towards his boyfriend before placing his gaze back on the road. '' Relax, Jjong, '' he said in the most soothing manner.

Unfortunately, that didn't help to calm the other's nerves. '' Yeah, sure, everything's fine, I have no reason to worry, I mean to be worried right now would be totally ridiculous. I can't even dream of being worried right now, '' he ranted with heavy sarcasm as his thoughts disabled him from even trying to calm down.

Jinki sighed. He could feel himself getting annoyed too, but he shrugged it off. Silence filled the space once again, making the tension emanating from the present moment feel even more heavy. Jinki was cramping up with unease and so his first reflex was to look at the radio. He felt terribly tempted to turn it back on, but one, he knew that would piss off Jonghyun even more, and two, he knew he couldn't let things stay like that. The moments to come would be incredibly difficult for both of them and for that sake, he needed to be sure they would be there for each other.

The light turned red which gave him the opportunity to look at his boyfriend again. '' Jjong... '' he softly called.

The one in question was looking outside the window on his side. He didn't budge one bit as he heard his name.

'' Jjongie, please, '' Jinki tried again. He reached out a hand and took the other's in his, trying to instill some warmth between them.

Jonghyun could already feel himself weaken. _I hate you_, he silently addressed to the brunette as he finally looked his way.

Their eyes locked and some of the tension from before melted to give place to closeness.

'' I'm sorry, Jinki... '' The words came out of his mouth with utter guilt as he realized how awful he had just been to him.

'' It's okay, baby. '' Jinki gave him one of his dazzling smiles before focusing on the view in front of them again. He turned at the next intersection and his heart instantly started pounding faster. They were close.

Jonghyun realized too and took a deep breath. '' I don't think I can do this, '' he let out as he felt his chest tighten.

'' It's not like we have a choice now. We already missed the Christmas party, '' Jinki pointed out.

'' You mean _You _already missed the Christmas party, '' Jonghyun rectified. '' They're all waiting to see you. No one's going to be excited to see me tonight, let's be honest, '' he went on squarely. He knew the invitation he had received a few weeks back was only an act of courtesy and if he had had the last word earlier, he wouldn't have been sitting in the car right now.

'' Jjong, we've already talked about this. Everyone knows now and it's okay, '' Jinki reminded, not without fear. He knew there was no guarantee that everything would go smoothly, which was why they had both been so on edge all the day before and all throughout this day.

Jonghyun snorted. '' Riiight... '' He crossed his arms again. '' They probably planned a_ Throw rocks at Jonghyun _station which will of course come with whatever insults they have in mind for me. ''

Jinki kept in the sigh he was about to let out this time. '' Well they'll probably have a station for me too. I mean you're not the only at fault here, '' he noted rationally.

Jonghyun frowned as he looked at the other. '' No, you have immunity. You're part of the family. I, on the other hand, am just the whore that went from one brother to the other, '' he bluntly exposed.

Jinki opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He shut it and instead pondered on those words. He couldn't deny he would probably be more welcomed there than his boyfriend. The latter had indeed walked in the family house two years before with his brother. But there was nothing more they could do about it. The only thing left to do was to show up and be confident about their choice.

Silence fell again and kept on for the last few minutes they had in the car. Jinki finally parked it in front of the house and removed the key from the ignition. He got out first, trying to show some strength for them both. As he was waiting for Jonghyun to step out, he could feel his body turn cold. The temperature couldn't be blamed; it was still nice outside. He tried to distract himself from the warning signs of his body by looking at the fresh white snow covering the trees and the concrete. Jonghyun then became the distraction as he came to a halt by his side.

Jinki turned to face him and for a few seconds, they just looked at each other, not sharing any words. Jinki felt a little bit more warm as he stared into the beautiful hazel eyes of the smaller one. He was once again at a loss for words. He leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on the other's pink lips. '' I love you, '' he said, staying close.

A chill ran down Jonghyun's spine and he looked down. He didn't understand how he still got so flustered whenever Jinki said those words to him. He jumped slightly as he was engulfed in the other's embrace. He buried his face into his coat and inhaled his comforting scent.

'' We can do this, Jjong, '' Jinki said one last time before he released his lover.

Jonghyun nodded. He then got up on his tiptoes to return the kiss. It was a much longer one this time, which had them softly panting when they parted. '' Let's go, '' he brought himself to say despite wanting to stay like that just a while longer.

They walked hand in hand in the entryway until they reached the front door. They shared one last look full of nervousness and anticipation before Jinki pressed the doorbell.

It wasn't long before the door was opened. One of the domestics was revealed to them and she immediately smiled as her eyes fell on Jinki. '' Hi, Mr. Lee, '' she greeted courteously as she made way for them to pass.

'' Hi, Miss Hwang, '' he replied with a wide smile as he stepped in.

Jonghyun followed reluctantly, chewing on his lip without even realizing it. He wasn't even left time to look around. A valet approached them and asked for their coats. He handed his rapidly while Jinki was still taking his off. The younger one started tapping his foot impatiently on the wooden floor as his boyfriend searched for his wallet in the coat's pockets.

'' I think you left it in the car, '' Jonghyun pointed out without really knowing if that was the case. He just felt like the faster they got on with the night, the faster it would be over.

Jinki's eyebrow cocked in surprise. '' Oh, really? '' He looked through them again, just to be sure, but realized they were definitely empty. He gave the valet an apologetic look before finally giving him his coat.

Jonghyun let out a breath as they were finally left alone. There wasn't anyone in the lobby except for the attendants. '' Maybe we could just spend the night here. I mean, they couldn't be mad 'cause we still came, '' he observed in a joking manner, although inside he was dead serious.

Jinki let out a little laugh. '' I wish... '' He looked towards the hallway on their left and his expression suddenly betrayed his nervousness.

Jonghyun looked the same way and without thinking, he grabbed the other's hand. They could both hear the loud chatter coming from the salon nearby. Jonghyun squeezed Jinki's hand hard.

'' It's okay, don't worry... '' The older one softly uttered. '' I won't leave your side, '' he reassured.

Jonghyun simply nodded and that instinctively became their cue to start walking. It wasn't more than a few seconds before they arrived at the salon where the loudness was now almost overwhelming. Fortunately, it died down quite a bit, but unfortunately, it was because people were starting to notice them. Jonghyun let go of Jinki's hand as gazes settled on him. He tried to smile, but he was too tense to even move the tiniest muscle. So he just stood there like a zombie, waiting for the first rock to be cast his way. No rocks came. Instead, one aunt he had remembered seeing two years ago stopped in front of them.

'' Jinkiii '' she exclaimed with a joy that smelled like alcohol. Her plump rosy cheeks beamed under the room's light, and Jonghyun thought the sight was somewhat endearing.

'' I'm so happy to see you, '' she went on as her eyes focused on him.

'' Me too, auntie, '' he replied with an uneasy smile. He then placed a hand on Jonghyun's back. '' Auntie, you remem-''

'' Yeah, yeah, '' she dismissed with a hand gesture. '' I'll see you later, '' she then said before getting back to the women she had been speaking with earlier.

Jonghyun's mouth dropped open only after she had left. '' I... '' He felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. He could barely see the people around him anymore.

Jinki stepped into his blurry field of vision to shelter him from the persistent gazes he could still see. '' Don't mind her, she seemed drunk... ''

'' Yeah, meaning she couldn't fake being nice ... ' Jonghyun replied despite still being in shock. He was blankly staring at this boyfriend's face. He could see him, but it was like he was looking through thick glass. Nothing was clear, except for the fact that he needed to get out of here. He stepped back, but was blocked by what felt like someone else's body.

He turned around immediately and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw who he had just hit.

'' Oh my god, I'm so sorry, '' he quickly apologized before lowering his head to further show his regret.

The older man laughed loudly. '' It's okay, Jonghyun. You can look up, '' he assured as he put a hand on his shoulder.

Jonghyun did just that and when he linked eyes with the man, his heart thumped inside his chest. ''Thank you, Mr. Lee, '' he said in a voice thinned by rampant anxiety.

'' No need to be so formal, '' Mr. Lee teased with another frank laugh. ''Glad you could make it,'' he added.

Jonghyun couldn't help but feel confused. This was a complete 180 from the aunt's attitude. It would've made more sense to get the same kind of greeting or even worse from his boyfriend's and ex-boyfriend's father. He stared at the man in awe as he moved his attention to his son.

'' How are you, Jinki? '' he asked with yet another warm smile.

Jinki immediately returned it. '' I'm good, dad. It's been a long time, '' he then added as he was hit with the realization.

'' I should be the one saying that. It seems like you've been hiding from me, '' the gray-haired man purposely pointed out.

'' Well, no... I... '' Jinki searched for his words, but couldn't retrieve any.

'' It's fine, son. I understand, '' he said as he quickly glanced at Jonghyun. '' Well, I'll leave you boys be. See you later, '' he finished before walking away.

Jonghyun instantly turned to look at his boyfriend. '' Do you really think he's okay with it? ''

Jinki looked down, pensively. '' I don't know...''

Jonghyun watched the brunette with some worry. He suddenly felt even more ashamed of his attitude. He had been complaining all along, without realizing how much that was affecting the other too. '' Jinki, I'm sorry, '' he said wholeheartedly. He brought a hand up to his cheek, not caring in that moment if anyone was watching, and caressed it. He felt him relax against his touch, which made him feel more at ease too.

Jinki finally looked up and smiled. '' Why don't we go get some rum? '' he offered with a renewed energy.

Jonghyun couldn't help but smile back. '' That's a great idea. ''

They both looked to the back of the room where they could partly see the bottles aligned because of the people gathered before them. They shared a quick look to give themselves some courage before they started making their way across the room. They went around the groups standing around, doing their best to ignore the weight of their stares on them. The relief they felt as they finally stopped in front of the table was indescribable.

Jinki took the little bottle he had been thinking about for a while now and poured some of the liquid in two glasses. '' Cheers, '' he said after giving the other glass to Jonghyun.

'' Cheers, '' Jonghyun echoed as he rose his glass. He took his first sip, the action eliciting a hum of contentment from him.

'' Yeah, that was totally needed, '' Jinki remarked after lowering his own.

Jonghyun laughed softly and turned his gaze to the table again. '' Life is strange... '' he suddenly said.

Jinki frowned. '' What? ''

'' Think about it. This is where we first met... this is where it all began... '' Jonghyun observed thoughtfully. As much as he wanted to be happy about how they had met, their story would always be tainted with betrayal.

'' Yeah... '' The thought had crossed Jinki's mind, but he hadn't wanted to bring it up. It was still painful for him to think about all that they had gone through. Mostly, it was still too hard to get over what he had done to his brother. An image of the latter came to his mind and he brought his glass to his lips again.

'' Where's Kibum? '' Jonghyun abruptly asked as if he had been reading the other's mind. He looked around the room again, but couldn't see him.

'' Um... oh yeah, he texted me earlier... '' Jinki recalled. '' He said he'd be a little late, '' he then added as the message came back to his mind. He had been so stressed about the whole ordeal that his memory had lost some of its sharpness.

Jonghyun felt a pang in his heart. '' Oh... '' He still felt hurt whenever Jinki would give him news of Kibum. It was even worse when he'd hear them talk on the phone. He felt left out, but he knew he had no right to have a place back into his ex-boyfriend's life. In any case, he was going to be the bad guy. Jonghyun knew that's how it had to be. Jinki was too damn important to Kibum; he wouldn't have been able to ignore him forever. Jonghyun was okay with that. What really ate at him was the thought that Kibum had probably rationalized the whole thing by telling himself that it was his fault. That he'd seduced Jinki and that his brother could never have really betrayed him.

'' What's on your mind? '' Jinki asked with concern.

The sound of his voice brought Jonghyun back to reality. '' Oh, sorry, I just... I... ''

He was saved the effort of finding a credible lie as his ex-boyfriend's name left several mouths in a cheerful manner.

Jonghyun looked ahead and for a moment, his heart stopped. This was the first time he was seeing Kibum in two years, but it felt like nothing had changed. He was still the same, resplendent as always. The only noticeable change was the length of his hair. It had grown longer and Jonghyun couldn't help but think how beautiful he was. He watched as the other started talking to the people around him, being grateful in that moment that the room was full. He was going to need a few more minutes, no, a few more hours, before he could face him. He turned around and poured himself another glass.

'' Oh, my sweet little Kibum, he seems perfect for you, '' a familiar voice cried out for the whole room to hear.

'' That he didn't tell me... '' Jinki remarked as he was still looking ahead.

Jonghyun followed his gaze and his mouth dropped slightly from the sight before him. A man he hadn't seen at first, was now beside Kibum, holding him tightly by the waist.

'' Hello everyone, my name is John, '' the new guy said with a wide smile as more people gathered around them.

Jonghyun frowned as he caught a glimpse of him. Even from where he was standing, he was able to register all of his physical data. The guy was tall, very tall, and had one of those stunning faces one could see in magazines. In fact, he looked like a GQ model. A sharp squeeze on his arm forced him to take his eyes away from the center of the room.

'' Are you okay? '' Jinki asked with an intent stare.

'' Yeah, sorry. I was just surprised, '' Jonghyun simply answered. That wasn't a lie. He was actually beyond surprised. But he knew better than to share what other emotions he was feeling right now.

'' Yeah, me too... I mean, it doesn't look like they've just met, but he's never mentioned the guy before... '' Jinki shared.

Jonghyun looked at his boyfriend. Hurt was clear on his face. Without thinking, he brought a hand up and caressed his back. He needed to let go of his selfish emotions and be there for Jinki. That's the only way they were going to survive this night.

The excitement died down after a while as most of the room had greeted the newly arrived couple. Jonghyun didn't have the guts to walk up to them and from the lingering pained expression on Jinki's face, he didn't feel like he was going to make that move either. The next minutes went by in a shared silence, the only sound remaining being the one made by the thoughts in their minds. 

Jonghyun was so deep in thought at that point, that he almost jumped out of his shoes when Jinki shook his arm.

'' They're coming, '' Jinki rapidly warned.

Jonghyun looked ahead again and could indeed see them walking in their direction. He didn't miss the inquisitive looks of some people who had also realized what was about to happen. The moment of truth came too fast. Kibum and his boyfriend were now in front of them.

'' I should've known you two would be hiding here, '' Kibum teased with a contained laugh.

Jonghyun knew it was fake. A true Kibum laugh always filled the room. _He's trying to be nice. _

'' Yeah, that'll never change, '' Jinki replied with a smile. '' Hi, I'm Jinki, '' he then said as he extended a hand to the other man.

'' Nice to finally meet the brother,'' the latter exclaimed with a warm laugh. '' I'm John, '' he indicated as he shook his hand.

'' And that's his boyfriend, '' Kibum pointed out with an obviously forced nonchalance. He didn't even give Jonghyun a look as the words left his mouth.

'' Oh, nice to meet you too, '' John said as he took the lead this time by extending his hand.

Jonghyun shook it briefly. '' Nice to meet you, John, '' he voiced as normally as he could. He was doing everything in his power right now not to flee and hide in another room.

'' Well, I'm craving some snacks now, let's go see what they have, '' Kibum said as he took hold of John's arm.

They left after giving them a last smile, Jonghyun noting again that Kibum was acting.

Jinki let out a deep breath when they were left alone. '' Wow... ''

Jonghyun could only nod. _This night needs to be over already. _

***

Jonghyun laughed to himself as he watched the aunt with the red cheeks fall flat on her face. Her embarrassment was clear as people rushed to her side to help her up. He bit his lip to prevent a very possible outburst of laughter. After having gone through another hour of pure discomfort and boredom, this was finally providing him with some entertainment. It was probably the only good thing that was going to come out of this soirée.

'' Karma, '' Jinki let out with a half-smile.

Jonghyun couldn't control his laughter after that. He turned towards the wall to hide it, but the alcohol in his system was making it hard for him to keep his composure. He could hear Jinki laughing too which didn't help the matter.

'' I shouldn't have said that, it's mean, '' Jinki said as he recovered his thoughts.

Jonghyun laughed some more. '' Maybe, but it's true. '' He felt no guilt for laughing at that woman.

'' How much longer do we have to stay? '' he then asked.

'' I don't know... But we can't go now. It's not even midnight, '' Jinki answered.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. '' Do we really want to spend the first minutes of the new year around all those people? '' he argued with a clear tinge of annoyance.

'' No, but it wouldn't look good for us to leave now, '' Jinki flatly reminded.

Jonghyun crossed his arms. His annoyance was rapidly turning into frustration. '' And why the fuck do we care so much about what they think? It's not like us staying will change their opinion of me, '' he snapped.

'' Jjong, please... Let's not make a scene, '' the other pleaded as he gave a quick look around.

The brunette snorted. '' Yeah, wouldn't want to be even more of an embarrassment, '' he snarled before turning on his heel. He made his way across the room without seeing any of the people around. When he was finally out of the salon, he kept on walking, his eyes zeroing in on the valet they had seen upon their arrival.

'' Can I have my coat please? '' he asked, his anger unfortunately spilling out on the employee.

'' Yes, sir, '' the valet responded politely. He walked away and came back a few seconds later with his coat.

'' Thank you, '' Jonghyun uttered with more softness to his voice.

'' You're welcome, '' the other man said before leaving him.

Jonghyun rushed to put his coat on, not wanting to leave Jinki time to catch him. Fortunately, he was able to make it outside without having to fight. He closed his eyes and inhaled the brisk air that suddenly surrounded him. He then exhaled which brought a sense of peace to his overly troubled mind. When he finally opened his eyes, he was met with stillness. No one was around and no cars could be seen on the street ahead. That's exactly what he had needed. He started walking around, mindlessly, not really thinking about what would be his next move. He just looked around and tried not to think too hard about everything that had happened. Instead, he took in the beautiful scenery, picking up some snow in his hands and sticking out his tongue to catch snowflakes. _Everything is so much easier when you're a kid, _he thought as images of him making his first snowman came back to his mind.

His sudden walk down memory lane was cut short by the sound of the door opening. He was scared to look back so he just stayed still, wishing for whoever that was to walk the other way or go back inside. Unfortunately, the sound of footsteps became louder and louder until he could actually feel that someone was standing behind him.

Jonghyun sighed. '' Look, Jinki, I don't want to talk right now. ''

'' Lucky I'm not Jinki then, '' Kibum scoffed.

Jonghyun eyes widened. He abruptly turned around to confirm that he hadn't just imagined hearing that voice. Indeed, he wasn't crazy. He was staring at a very real Kibum.

'' Shit, I'm sorry, '' he said as he felt his whole body become tense again.

'' It's fine. I shouldn't have crept up on you like that, '' the younger one observed as he finally met eyes with the other.

Jonghyun held his gaze, not moving one inch. It felt so unreal to be alone with him again. He couldn't help feeling terribly scared. '' Why... why did you come out? '' he asked hesitantly.

A ghost of a smile appeared on the other's lips. '' I saw you storm out and thought that I should seize the opportunity, '' he shared. ''Crazy, right? ''

Jonghyun felt confused. '' Seize the opportunity to do what? ''

'' To talk to you... to finally face you, '' the taller one admitted as he looked down to the ground.

Jonghyun's eyebrows rose in surprise. He hadn't expected Kibum to be like this. Not as assertive as usual, almost vulnerable. He was still waiting for a rock to hit him in the face.

'' I didn't think you'd want to... '' he remarked.

'' I didn't... The thought only was unbearable, '' Kibum bluntly confirmed.

Jonghyun felt another pang in his heart. That was definitely worse than a rock. '' So what changed your mind? '' he managed to ask. He needed to know.

'' I don't know... '' Kibum rocked back and forth on his heels. '' I guess I realized I'd have to one day or the other. I mean you're my brother's boyfriend now so... ''

That hit Jonghyun hard. All the pain and guilt he had experienced earlier suddenly increased tenfold. '' I... I'm... ''

'' Don't say it, '' Kibum interjected. '' There's no need for that now. ''

Jonghyun nodded lightly in acknowledgment, but still, he felt the urge to manifest how much he felt awful for everything that had happened.

Silence settled between them as they both got caught up in their thoughts.

'' This isn't easy at all, '' Kibum finally remarked after a while.

'' Yeah... '' Jonghyun agreed.

'' If I'm being completely honest, it really hurts to see you with Jinki, '' Kibum went on as he looked at him.

Jonghyun returned the look, his heart rate picking up speed. '' I was going to stay home tonight, but... '' He couldn't finish his sentence. He suddenly felt too overwhelmed.

'' But Jinki forced you, '' Kibum gathered. '' I understand that, it's not like you should hide forever. ''

'' It's probably best if I do, '' Jonghyun pointed out, his lingering resentment rising up again.

Another moment of silence ensued, during which Jonghyun was reminded of an earlier sight.

'' I'm happy that you met someone, '' he voiced to lighten up their encounter.

A look of surprise illuminated the other's face. '' Thank you... '' he said with some uneasiness.

'' He seems to suit you better, '' Jonghyun then added. '' Like he's more on your level or something... '' The words had left him without thought and he immediately regretted them when he saw the other's frown.

'' That's bullshit, '' the latter spat. '' Don't act like things were bad between us, '' he reproved with sudden anger.

Jonghyun's mouth dropped open. For a moment, he didn't know what to say. '' That's not what I meant... ''

'' You weren't a charity case, Jonghyun. I chose to be with you because I loved you, '' he continued nonetheless.

Jonghyun could almost see the fumes coming out of the other's ears. '' I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that... ''

'' Yes, you did. You're trying to rationalize the whole situation by saying that you were unworthy of me. I won't accept that, '' Kibum stated categorically.

'' I'm sorry... '' Jonghyun repeated in a pleading tone, as he realized he had just ruined their chance to end the conversation on a good note.

Kibum looked away to take a few deep breaths. When he looked back at him, he seemed to have relaxed a little. '' I shouldn't have lost my temper... '' he noted. '' Goddammit, Jonghyun... '' The curse held all of his frustration and embarrassment.

It was Jonghyun's turn to look down. He knew better than to say any other word at this point.

'' I should get back inside now, '' Kibum informed.

Jonghyun looked up and nodded.

They shared one last look before the younger one made his way back to the front door. Jonghyun watched him disappear inside and his whole body suddenly went lax. He could barely hold himself up now so he got closer to a tree and let his back rest against it. He tried to regain his composure, but all he had in mind was those last sentences the other had thrown at him.

_Goddammit, Kibum. _

***

'' Are you alright? '' Jinki instantly asked as Jonghyun settled beside him again. His voice was full of worry.

The other cocked an eyebrow. '' Yeah, why? '' He knew why Jinki was asking, but in that moment, it felt best to feign ignorance.

The older one frowned. '' I saw Kibum leave the room... '' he said with a tinge of annoyance.

'' Oh ... um... yeah, we talked, '' Jonghyun revealed uncomfortably. This was a talk he didn't want to have right now, or never for that matter.

'' And? '' Jinki pressed. The expression on his face was serious, making him look almost angry.

'' And nothing, '' Jonghyun simply answered. He knew that was far from a satisfying answer, but that was the only one he was willing to give.

'' Are you serious? '' Jinki exclaimed, frustrated. His whole body had now shifted so that he could fully face his boyfriend. '' That's all you're going to say? '' he went on in the same tone.

'' Look who's making a scene now, '' Jonghyun observed with some spite.

Jinki's eyes widened in surprise at his response. '' What's up with you? '' he wondered as hurt followed his initial reaction.

A pang of guilt struck Jonghyun again. _I'm a total asshole tonight... _'' I'm sorry... '' He then realized that those words had crossed his lips too many times, which only made him feel even more bad.

'' Did he insult you? '' Jinki inquired. He knew something bad must've happened for him to be in such a mood right now.

_Not exactly... _'' No, he didn't, '' Jonghyun assured. '' It was uncomfortable, yes, but it was mostly me congratulating him on his new found love, '' he then explained. _And having it backfire on me._

'' Oh, okay... '' Jinki still wasn't convinced that was all, but he decided to drop it for now. This wasn't the time or place to be having such an important conversation.

Jonghyun felt relieved that no other question followed. They were already having a hard time just being here, there was no need to make things any more difficult. He turned towards the drinks again and poured himself another glass. He emptied it in a matter of seconds, needing the magic of the alcohol to operate more quickly. As he gave a quick look around, he saw Kibum again. The latter was laughing at something John had just said. _He looks happy, _he observed. He couldn't say he felt the same right now. He probably wouldn't be able to forget their talk for a very long time.

His attention was suddenly brought to the center of the room as one of the guests who was also a member of the Lee family asked everyone to gather before the huge clock hanging on one of the walls. Despite wanting to stay in his corner and get drunk on rum, he followed Jinki closely, both of them ending up at the back of the crowd. His eyes widened as he realized that there were only three minutes left before midnight; three minutes left before the start of a new year. Jonghyun couldn't say he would miss this one. Lots of things had changed and lots of things had also stayed just the same, which all in all hadn't given him the satisfaction he had been craving for all year. He still wasn't totally satisfied with where he was at and... with where they were at. He gave Jinki a quick glance and felt his chest tighten. He had so much love for this man, but he couldn't seem to find the right way to show it.

'' Only one minute left! '' yelled another guest.

Jonghyun looked right ahead, eyes on the clock. His stomach slowly filled up with butterflies as he thought of all the things he wished for. Like always that made him nervous because there was always a chance that none of it would come true. _Please... _He silently begged.

'' 30 seconds! '' another one indicated.

A shared effervescence suddenly filled the room, bringing out numerous smiles and some squeals of excitement.

Jonghyun couldn't be bothered to smile. He once again looked at Jinki and saw genuine contentment on his face. It was a beautiful sight, one at which he couldn't stop staring. It wasn't long before the other caught him in the act, their eyes locking just as all the room started screaming in unison.

_''7, 6, 5...'' _Jonghyun took Jinki's hand in his. _''4, 3...'' _Jonghyun swallowed hard as the anticipated shift became even more imminent.

_''2... 1!'' _they all chanted before an explosion of _Happy New Year_ burst out all across the room.

'' Happy New Year, baby, '' Jinki said as he laced an arm around Jonghyun's waist to bring him closer. He left him no time to respond as he captured his lips in a slow but deep kiss.

Jonghyun couldn't help the moan that left him as he felt the other's tongue slide into his mouth. He returned the kiss with a suddenly awakened hunger, completely forgetting that they were in a room full of people.

'' Mmmh... '' Jinki hummed before pulling away. '' That's a great way to start the year, '' he noted with a smile.

Jonghyun looked at his boyfriend's face intently as his heart pounded in his chest.

'' It'll be even better when I finally get you all to myself, '' he shared in a voice filled with need. 

Jinki let out a low groan. '' Don't do this now, baby. ''

Jonghyun would've laughed if he hadn't been already so riled up. Right now a good fuck seemed like the perfect remedy for all his worries.

'' Jinki... '' he softly whined. '' Let's get out of here. '' His tone was pleading, the feel of his pants tightening making it already hard for him to think.

The other's jaw clenched, showing that he was just affected as he was. '' Not now... let's just... we should stay a little longer... '' he managed to say despite feeling himself weakening as Jonghyun's hungry eyes bore into him.

'' Okay so let's just go in the car real quick and then come back, '' Jonghyun instantly solved. He was in no mood to be refused right now.

'' Jjong... '' Jinki was fighting with all his might not to succumb, but he knew how stubborn the younger one could be.

Fortunately, he was saved by his father's sudden arrival.

'' Happy New Year to you two, '' Mr. Lee said with a smile that made his eyes disappear.

'' Happy New Year, sir, '' Jonghyun immediately replied, trying to return the smile as genuinely as he could. He had been caught off guard and suddenly felt embarrassed by his previous behaviour.

'' Happy New Year, dad, '' Jinki then echoed. His smile was as bright as always, giving no sign of discomfort whatsoever.

'' I hope you stay healthy, happy and in love, '' the older man wished them with a little laugh following his last words.

'' Thank you, '' they both said at the same time.

'' I wish you all of those too, dad, '' Jinki added.

'' Well one can never be sure about those ...'' His expression suddenly took on a rare seriousness. '' All I know is that I'll definitely never stop being in love with your mother, '' Mr. Lee stated wistfully.

Jonghyun felt his chest squeeze. That statement was so beautiful... He quickly glanced at Jinki and saw that he was as speechless as he was.

'' Okay, I have to go give the same speech to Kibum and John now, '' the gray-haired man indicated as he retrieved his joyous expression.

They both watched him make his way across the room, bringing their gazes back towards each other as soon as the man reached the other couple.

'' Your father is amazing, '' Jonghyun expressed in awe.

The brunette's lips curled up. '' Yeah. ''

They remained silent for a few seconds after that, both remembering their previous conversation.

'' So no car now, huh? '' Jinki guessed, his voice quivering with suppressed laughter.

Jonghyun clicked his tongue. '' Your father kinda ruined the mood, '' he said, half-smiling.

'' Well I mean... we could head back home now... '' Jinki proposed in a suggestive way.

A low laugh rumbled in the younger one's throat. '' I'm all for it, but we should at least wish Happy New Year to Kibum and his boyfriend, '' he pointed out despite his eagerness to leave. There was still a part of him that wanted to redeem himself for what had happened earlier.

'' Yeah, you're right, '' Jinki acknowledged, not without some annoyance.

'' Let's go, '' Jonghyun said before leading the way towards another very uncomfortable conversation.

'' Hey, '' he uttered as they stopped a few seconds later before the two lovebirds.

'' Hey, '' responded John with liveliness while Kibum just gave them a courteous smile.

'' Happy New Year, '' Jonghyun wished as cheerfully as he could. He felt his cheeks protest as his face broke into a wide grin. _I can act too._

The three other just echoed his words before an inevitable silence fell between them.

Jinki cleared his throat unceremoniously. '' Well, we should be going now.... '' he informed in the most awkward way.

'' Oh, okay, '' John instantly reacted. '' Well it was nice to meet you two, I was thinking that we should all get together sometime, '' he continued in a voice that showed nothing other than genuineness.

Jonghyun and Jinki exchanged a quick look. They both couldn't believe what they had just heard.

'' Yeah, that'd be great, '' Kibum agreed.

This time their eyes widened without them even realizing.

_This must be a bad joke, _Jonghyun instantly thought.

'' Um... yeah... that'd be... '' Jinki couldn't go through with an answer. He was at a loss for words.

'' You two should definitely get back home now, '' Kibum pointed out with a giggle. '' All that alcohol seems to have gone to your heads. ''

Jonghyun frowned. Something wasn't right. '' Yeah, let's go, '' he said despite his confusion. He then went straight towards the entrance, hearing from not too far away Jinki exchanging a few more words with the others.

The latter finally caught up with him as he was making his way towards one of the valets.

'' What the fuck just happened? '' Jinki asked in bewilderment.

Jonghyun stopped dead in his tracks. '' I'm just as confused as you are, '' he indicated as the words replayed in his mind again.

'' Jonghyun '' Jinki uttered firmly.

The younger one looked down. He knew he wasn't going to like his next words.

'' What happened earlier? '' the other asked again, not willing this time to let it go.

'' Nothing happened... '' Jonghyun answered in a voice that betrayed his unease.

'' I don't believe you. You can't even look me in the eye right now, '' Jinki pointed out dryly.

Jonghyun forced himself to look up. '' Look, I really don't know why he said that... I mean... doesn't John know our history? '' Even though he really wanted to get an answer to that question, this was also the best way to detract attention away from what Jinki was asking about.

Unfortunately, Jinki didn't fall for that. '' Why are you avoiding the question? '' he bluntly inquired.

'' I answered, '' Jonghyun reminded. '' I told you that nothing happened. Let it go. '' He was starting to get angry too. He didn't understand why Jinki was being so persistent.

Jinki stayed silent, letting the expression on his face speak for itself. '' Okay, whatever, '' he finally said before he walked up to one of the employees.

Jonghyun ran a hand through his hair nervously.

This was definitely a great way to start the year.


	2. What happened?

Jinki stared at the door blankly. All the thoughts he had carried with him on his way to the apartment had now vanished. All that was left was a nagging feeling of guilt and unease. He unconsciously rocked back and forth on his heels, habit he had picked up recently whenever he felt nervous. _I shouldn't be here. _The thought rang loudly in his suddenly awakened mind, bringing with it a chain of other thoughts that did nothing to calm his nerves. His eyes were still on the door, his heart starting to race as he realized that he had to go through with what he had come here for. He slowly brought a hand up and knocked.

Jinki waited for sounds to emerge from the other side, but his ears only picked up silence. He knocked again, this time more loudly. _Come on.... _Impatience had never been in his nature, but lately, he found himself snapping whenever things didn't work out the way he wanted them to immediately. He knew very well what that was linked to, which was precisely why he was standing in this hallway, knocking on a door he had thought he'd never be in front of again. His heart jumped inside his chest as sounds finally reached his ears. As was custom whenever he was put in an unnerving situation, his hands became moist with sweat. He instinctively patted them as dry as possible on the fabric of his black jeans before running one hand through his dark hair.

The door suddenly opened just as his arm fell back to his side. He looked into dark eyes that widened as they took in his presence.

'' Jinki? '' the pretty-faced brunette exclaimed.

'' Hey, Tae... '' he awkwardly uttered. Normally, his feelings of shame and guilt would've come to assail him and make him retreat further into his mind, but he was distracted by the sheen of sweat covering the other's face and neck.

'' Um... is this a wrong time? '' he asked as heat rushed up his face.

Taemin cocked an eyebrow. '' Eh? ''

'' You're sweating... '' Jinki pointed out in a tone that was filled with discomfort.

The younger one brought a hand to his face before bringing it down to look at the sweat that had gathered on it. He chuckled. '' Oh, I just finished practicing a choreo, '' he explained before moving out of the doorframe. '' Come in. ''

Relief washed over the taller one as he stepped inside. He was comforted by the sight before him. From what he could see, not much had changed.

'' You're dancing again? '' he asked as he started to take off his coat.

'' Yeah, fucking around was getting boring so I needed a new distraction, '' the other answered with a shrug. 

Jinki shook his head, a little laugh inevitably leaving his lips. He would never admit to it, but he was glad the one he had come to consider a friend was still the same. 

Taemin's plump lips stretched into a wide smile. '' Make yourself comfortable, '' he warmly said. '' I'll go wash up a little, I'll be right back, '' he then indicated before walking away.

Jinki smiled to himself. He was glad to have found a place where he felt welcomed. He lost no time to get rid of the rest of his winter clothing before putting it in the closet near the entrance. He then walked up to the living room and let himself fall onto the couch. He closed his eyes to make himself feel more at peace. The sound of water running soothed him for a few minutes before it was followed by the sound of a door opening.

Rushed footsteps then made their way further down the hallway and then back until a fresh-faced Taemin came into view. He immediately dropped onto the cushioned chair facing Jinki before jumping out of it a second later. '' Do you want something to drink... or eat? '' he asked as he was suddenly reminded of the rules of hospitality.

'' No, no, it's fine, '' Jinki rapidly answered. He had no interest in his basic needs right now.

'' Okay. '' Taemin settled back into his seat, his eyes zeroing in on the one he had last seen ages ago.

'' Does Jonghyun know you're here? '' The question fell out of his mouth with gravity, making the sense of comfort Jinki had previously felt completely disappear.

The latter looked down at his feet. '' No... '' His chest tightened; he was embarrassed. This was not how he had wanted things to be, but he was left no choice now.

Taemin's eyes slowly widened in surprise as an explanation formed in his mind. He knew Jinki wouldn't be here unless... '' Don't tell me that you two broke up... '' His voice hitched in disbelief. 

Jinki lifted his head back up instantly. '' No! '' His answer came out loud and strong, the very thought of such a scenario happening making his body tense up with an excessive amount of fear.

Taemin's shoulders relaxed. '' So what's up? ''

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck as his gaze strayed again. '' I... I don't exactly know... it's complicated. ''

The younger one frowned. '' You guys fought? ''

Jinki nodded. He was ashamed of popping back into his friend's life when he had problems, but that was the only way he could feel less guilty about seeing him again.

'' What happened? '' Taemin knew to push for details. Jinki wasn't the type to let it all out from the get-go.

A sigh crossed the older one's lips. _Where to start? _'' We saw the family on New Year's Eve... '' He let the rest hang as the whole evening played in his mind again.

'' Oh shit... '' Taemin let out as disastrous scenarios popped into his mind. '' It was that bad? '' he asked with worry.

'' Well we did get unpleasant looks and my aunt was rude to Jonghyun, but all in all, I wouldn't say it was _that _bad, '' Jinki observed. '' It's just that Jonghyun and Kibum had a talk outside and then Jonghyun wouldn't tell me what that conversation was about and to make things even more weird, Kibum's boyfriend proposed that the four of us go out together or something and Kibum agreed. '' The words had poured out of him like a stream. He was left surprised by his own rant, simultaneously hoping it had all made sense. 

Taemin blinked mechanically as he tried to piece all the bits of information he had just received together. He finally broke the silence with the first of many questions to have arisen in his mind. '' Sooo, how did it go? ''

Jinki looked straight into his friend's eyes. '' It hasn't happened yet... '' Shame coiled inside his stomach.

'' I've been ignoring Kibum's calls... ''

Taemin's gaze narrowed as if that would help him access all that was unraveling in the other's mind.

'' For how long now? '' he inquired.

'' Three weeks... '' The admission barely crossed his lips, his voice bringing it out in a breathy manner. He knew avoiding the situation would only make things worse, but he couldn't help it. The realization once again reminded him of how much of a coward he really was. 

Taemin's mouth fell open before one of his brows rose. '' Why exactly are you avoiding this? '' he questioned as he looked at him in puzzlement. '' I mean, isn't it good that Kibum has kinda gotten over the whole situation? ''

Jinki swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing visibly up and down in his throat. '' I know this is going to sound weird but, I feel like they're hiding something from me... '' He ran a hand through his hair again. '' I tried to get Jonghyun to open up, but he got mad and then I got mad and we haven't talked since... ''

'' Huh... '' The younger one was baffled. He stayed silent a while as he pondered the information.

Another question finally followed. '' What exactly could they be hiding from you? ''

'' I don't know, but the fact that Jonghyun doesn't want to tell me what they've said is suspicious... right?'' The last word was looking for approval, to reassure himself that he wasn't paranoid.

The brunette shifted uncomfortably on his cushion. '' Jinki... '' He looked at his friend apologetically, knowing very well that the words that would follow wouldn't please him. '' I know what you're fearing, but that's just crazy. It was probably a hard moment for both of them and now they just need more time to process it before they can talk about it. ''

'' It didn't seem that hard for Kibum, I mean, he showed no discomfort when agreeing to his boyfriend's suggestion, '' Jinki countered with a tinge of frustration. He had mulled over this too many times to be convinced by such simplistic explanations.

'' Well obviously he didn't want to be rude, so he acted, '' Taemin instantly responded. '' Maybe you could know more about what happened if you stopped ignoring his calls, '' he then pointed out.

Jinki's lips tightened into a sharp line. '' I guess... '' he grudgingly acknowledged. '' I just don't get... I just thought... '' He paused as all his thoughts became a messy tangle. A flood of emotion surged into his chest. '' Why couldn't Jonghyun just open up to me, I mean... I thought he could trust me... '' he let out, distressed.

Taemin's expression softened with sympathy. _Oh, Jinki. Why are you still so insecure? _'' Well Jonghyun is very sensitive, isn't he? That conversation and all he had to go through that night must've hit him hard and... nagging him about it probably didn't help... '' he observed, discomforted by having to put the blame on his friend like that.

'' But... '' Jinki felt a lump forming in his throat; no other words could cross his lips.

The brunette gave his friend a helpless look as a pang hit him in the chest. '' Jinki... you need to trust him too, '' he remarked.

'' I know... '' The older one sounded defeated, which tipped off the other.

Taemin's brows furrowed. '' Jinki... what's really going on? ''

'' What do you mean? '' Jinki instantly asked before an answer could form in his mind.

'' I feel like you're not telling me the whole story, '' Taemin gently noted. '' What happened between you two? ''

Jinki's head dropped forward. So much had happened ... And now it all came down to one thing, to one fear. '' I don't think Jonghyun loves me anymore. '' His voice had gone down to a whisper, but Taemin had caught his every word.

The latter's reaction was instant. '' That's impossible, Jinki... come on. ''

The silence that followed made panic rise inside the younger one. He rushed up to his friend and kneeled to get a look at his face. He was struck by the sight that he was given up close. Tears were running down Jinki's cheeks, something he had never seen before. His instincts kicked in and he wrapped his arms around him, bending him forward as he tightened his embrace.

'' It'll be fine, Jinki. I promise, '' he reassured as he rocked him soothingly in his arms.

Jinki knew better than to believe in those words, but nonetheless they provided some comfort. He let himself completely go, tears blurring his vision and heart crying out in pain as the thought of not having another day to share with Jonghyun hammered through his mind.

***

Jonghyun stared at the door blankly. All the thoughts he had carried with him on his way to the house had now vanished. All that was left was a nagging feeling of guilt and unease. He unconsciously rocked back and forth on his heels to shake off some nervousness. _He probably doesn't want to see me. _The thought rang loudly in his suddenly awakened mind, bringing with it a chain of other thoughts that did nothing to calm his nerves. His eyes were still on the door, his heart starting to race as he realized that he had to go through with what he had come here for. He slowly brought a hand up and pressed the doorbell.

He silently prayed that the other would answer the door as he hadn't had the courage to advise him that he would come over. He leaned closer to it to catch any sound that would tell him that he was inside, but he didn't hear anything. _Come on, please answer... _He pressed the doorbell again several times as his apprehension suddenly turned into impatience. Sounds from the other side finally caught his ears, rendering him immobile. He took a few deep breaths to settle his troubled mind and an instant later, the door finally opened. Jonghyun felt his heart skip a beat as big brown eyes looked right at him. A spark of surprise flickered in those dark orbs before being trampled by cold anger, his face simultaneously tightening into a deadly serious expression.

'' Hmm, that's weird... I swear you look just like someone I used to know, '' the tall young man voiced with no effort to hide his contempt.

On instinct, the smaller one gave his friend a pleading look. '' Minho... I'm really sorry... ''

Minho wasn't fazed by his apology. '' Let me guess, you guys fought? '' His tone was sharp, derisive, showing no trace of sympathy.

Jonghyun would've loved to say no, that he had just come here to catch up with his friend, but he had to face the fact that he was here for his selfish needs. He slowly nodded before biting his lip in shame. '' Can I come in? '' He knew very well there was a 97% chance that he'd be denied access, but he was holding on to the 3%, to the strong bond he knew they still shared.

The younger man casually leaned against the doorframe, pointedly blocking the entrance even more.

'' Why should I let you in? '' he asked, being deliberately stubborn.

'' Because we're best friends. '' Jonghyun knew that statement would probably backfire on him, but it still had the merit of being true.

Minho laughed a real laugh, but it was the type of laugh that foreboded brutal words. Jonghyun didn't have to wait long for them.

'' Best friends, huh? I think you have the wrong house, '' the younger one sneered. He wasn't about to let himself be swayed so easily.

Jonghyun felt his chest tighten. _Another rock... _'' Minho, please, I know I've been a shitty friend, but I want to make things right, '' he asserted, taking a step closer to the taller one.

The latter didn't shy away from the sudden closeness. He looked straight into the still pleading hazel eyes of his friend, fighting with himself not to give in just yet. '' It's been almost a month, Jjong... '' he reminded with dry resentment.

The older one sighed. Once again, he had fucked up everything. '' I know... It's just... I... '' He bit his lip and closed his eyes, trying to have a clear sense of what he wanted to convey. When he looked at his friend again, he caught the glimpse of worry in his eyes. '' I'm not feeling like myself, Minho, '' he said, weary.

The other's expression softened and he stepped back, finally granting entry to the one he could never hate. Jonghyun immediately walked in, afraid that this window of clemency would suddenly shut in his face. Instead, the door was shut behind him, bringing a feeling of relief he was no longer accustomed to. Without having to be told, he shed his winter garments and placed them on a hanger from the closet near him. Minho then led the way to his living room, once again having to say no words for Jonghyun to know to make himself at home. He sat on the cushioned chair he always went to, loving how it always made him feel more at ease.

'' Tea? Coffee? Water? Food? '' Minho listed, as always never putting off hospitality. 

'' Coffee sounds good, '' Jonghyun indicated. The last month of sleepless nights had made coffee his best ally multiple times a day.

Minho walked away, disappearing into his kitchen a few steps later. Jonghyun closed his eyes again, letting the darkness behind his lids shut him off from the world. Recurring thoughts tried to infiltrate his peace, but he fought back with all his might to keep them away, just for a moment. A few more minutes of relentless battle went on internally before Minho came back with a cup, which forced him to get out of the dark.

'' Here you go. '' His best friend set the cup on the coffee table before taking a seat on the couch facing the chair Jonghyun was in.

The latter took the warm cup into his cold hands and inhaled the bitter yet comforting scent of the dark liquid. '' Thank you, '' he said, his lips curling up into a thin smile.

Minho tried to return the smile, but it turned more into some kind of grimace. '' I'm sorry, Jjong, '' he instantly voiced. '' I can't just stop being mad at you right now... '' His eyes were sharp and his jaw tense, his expression brimming with barely contained anger.

That immediately filled Jonghyun with dread. Minho had been mad at him before, but it had never felt so serious. '' I understand... '' The words fell out of his mouth awkwardly, making him wish he had thought of something better to say before opening his mouth.

The younger one snorted. '' What exactly do you understand, huh? Because seems to me that you don't understand what it means to be a good friend. A good friend wouldn't just hide away for weeks without giving any news, a good friend would think about how worried his best friend would probably be if he didn't answer any of his calls or texts, '' he snarled, his anger now fully unleashed.

'' You're right... I... '' His answer found no end as he lifted his drink to his lips. He had no good excuse; he only had his selfishness to blame.

Minho waited a moment, hoping to get more. An uncomfortable silence settled between them, during which he gathered he'd have to push for answers if he ever wanted to get something out of his friend.

'' You never told me what happened that night, Jjong, '' he pointed out as he crossed his arms.

Jonghyun finally lowered his cup of now lukewarm coffee. It was time to speak up. '' I had a talk with Kibum, '' he revealed.

Minho's eyes grew wide. '' You mean... just the two of you? '' he asked to be sure.

The older one nodded, eyes staring blankly at the space in front of him.

'' Did he insult you? '' his friend instantly verified. He knew something bad must've happened to make Jonghyun become so withdrawn.

'' No, he didn't... '' Jonghyun ran one hand over his face, feeling the weariness come back. '' He was just honest. ''

'' How honest? '' Minho knew how blunt Kibum could be in normal situations, so he could only imagine how blunt he had been in such a particular one.

'' He wasn't mean, really, '' Jonghyun reassured. '' He just said how hard it was for him to see me there with Jinki, which of course I totally understand, '' he then added.

'' But of course that still hurt you, '' Minho caught on.

'' Yes, it did... but like I said I can't be mad about it, he has every right to feel that way, '' Jonghyun reiterated. That was the infallible rationale he had kept repeating himself over and over again the last few weeks.

'' Look, '' Minho sharply started, '' I understand that it's hard for all of you, but it's been two years. Two years during which you've been living with Jinki... I mean you've made your choice and stuck with it, so what's the matter now? '' he inquired as he tried to make sense of his best friend's disconcerted expression.

Jonghyun's lips curled into a half smile. He found himself amused by the fact that his friend was voicing the exact same question that had kept hammering his mind. _Indeed, that's a very good question. _One that wasn't without answer despite his efforts not to think about it. '' It was easier to forget you know... I didn't see him once after our break-up so to finally see him again... '' He looked down into the dark depths that filled the cup he was still holding. '' It was hard... really hard... '' His voice had become a mere whisper as if those words should've been kept within the secrecy of his mind.

Minho cocked an eyebrow. He was sensing there was more than just a lingering guilt behind those words. '' What are you saying, Jjong? ''

Jonghyun sighed. He set the cup right back on the table, before wrapping his arms around himself. '' I can't help but feel like I went wrong somewhere... ''

'' What? '' Minho exclaimed in shock as he unconsciously leaned forward.

Jonghyun held himself tighter. '' The past two years I've felt like... I don't know... there's been this void inside me, '' he started to explain. '' And... I just feel like I need to fix things... ''

'' What is there to fix exactly? '' Minho inquired, still shocked. '' I thought you were happy... '' 

'' I don't... '' Jonghyun sighed. '' I don't think I am... ''

'' Jjong... did I miss something? What happened between you and Jinki? '' Minho asked, worried.

A lump of guilt was forming in the back of his throat. '' I know I've tried to paint a perfect picture of our life but, I can't anymore ... '' Jonghyun admitted in a hoarse voice. He looked up and met the surprise in his best friend's eyes. He had hid so much from him; that had gone on long enough now.

'' These past two years haven't been easy... ''


	3. Happy? [Flashback Part I]

****

_-Two years earlier-_

Jinki huffed and puffed his way up the stairs, relieved that it was the last trip he’d have to make up those flights for now. As he passed through the open door of his apartment, a sharp pain shot through his upper back, forcing him to drop the box in a brusque manner on the floor. The loud thud that provoked had Jonghyun rushing over to the entrance. They shared a quick look, before Jinki winced from the more diffuse but still discomforting pain.

“ You should’ve let me carry that box, ” scolded the smaller one as he closed the distance between them. One hand soon reached his boyfriend’s back to soothe it with a circular caress. He felt the stiffness in those muscles, the stress that had been kept in for too long. “ Thankfully, that was the last one, ” he indicated as he lowered his hand. His fingers intertwined with the other’s. Without a word, he pulled him into motion until they reached the couch.

Jinki would’ve loved to protest and say that they should resume their unboxing and put things into place, but his body had reached its limit. His nervous nature, the lack of sleep and appetite and the relentlessness of some thoughts he’d rather not have anymore had finally taken a toll on him. He took a seat on one of the cushions before pulling his boyfriend down to sit beside him. The little yelp that ensued had him laughing, which was probably the best remedy for his current condition.

“ You can rest, but I still need to finish putting my clothes on hangers, ” Jonghyun childishly grumbled. He too was tired. They had barely come back from their little escapade, but reality hadn’t had any patience to wait. As soon as they had packed up and left the town they had been in, Jongyun had been reminded that he had to figure out his financial situation. He hadn’t had a job for almost three months now and the little money that he’d had left had been sent away to pay another month of rent. He had always hated relying on other people for his needs, but he had been left no other choice the last week that they had been away. Jinki had paid for everything and in his surge of generosity he had ultimately offered Jonghyun to move in with him. That had shocked him and left him speechless, but it hadn’t been long before a dreamy smile had curved his lips. A shy _Yes _had come out of him, settling the matter as simply as that.

Jonghyun still felt like it was too good to be true. He gave a look around what was now technically also his apartment. The familiar tingle of fear he had felt in his gut the past few days came back again. He hadn’t voiced it to Jinki, but he couldn’t help but wonder if they had moved too fast. He loved Jinki with all his heart but it still had only been around three months since they had made the choice to be together. And he had a feeling those same doubts were the culprits behind Jinki’s tense state. The brunette didn’t have to say a word to make it clear that he was still feeling guilty. There had been no trace of that guilt while they were away because they had been floating on a pink cloud but as soon as their trip came to an end, reality immediately sunk in. They were together, and moving in together was going to take their relationship to a whole other level; it was going to make it that much more real.  
  
“ Why do you have all those clothes anyways? ” asked Jinki with a soft laugh, immediately breaking Jonghyun’s chain of thought. “ I didn’t take you for that type of guy, ” he then teased.

Jonghyun snorted. “ What’s that supposed to mean? ” His indignation was false, but he still wondered what kind of image he had given off to the other.

“ I don’t know… a more simple guy… ” Jinki carefully formulated as his gaze moved away from his boyfriend’s face.

“ I can be simple and fashionable too, ” Jonghyun instantly pointed out, deliberately omitting the role that Kibum had played in his habit of always buying new clothes. He hadn’t bought that much more the past few months, but the amount he already had was considerable. Very considerable.

“ I’ll give some away, ” he said as he pushed himself up to stand. His sudden movement made him miss the pout that had formed on Jinki’s lips. Nonetheless, he knew that him leaving wouldn’t please the other. He had been surprised at how needy the latter could sometimes get, which was even more surprising since he had always found himself being the needier one in his previous relationships. He couldn’t deny how good it felt to be so wanted, so needed. But he knew that if he stayed put, things would probably go down the route it usually went whenever they were alone. Jonghyun was going to be the responsible one this time and leave before Jinki forgot that he needed rest. The latter had carried almost all of his boxes upstairs on top of having previously helped him clean out his apartment and getting those boxes down to the car.

“ Jjong, ” Jinki whined as he made an attempt to reach for his arm. He missed it by an inch as the other swiftly stepped back. “ Stay here with me for a sec, ” he said in a pleading tone.

“ I’m not going anywhere, I’ll come sit with you later. ” Jonghyun was really trying to keep his resolve.

“ Or you could sort out your clothes later, ” the older one countered. This time he successfully secured his grip on Jonghyun’s arm and pulled him down towards him before he had a chance to escape.

Jonghyun stumbled and fell on top of his boyfriend, landing right on his lap. His eyes widened for a split second when he felt a rigid length pressing against his ass. “ Really? ” he exclaimed in disbelief, with one brow cocked.

Jinki bit his lip in response. He was still amazed at how easy it was for him to get turned on whenever he was around Jonghyun. The latter didn’t have to do anything, really. He just exuded something that always made him want more.

Jonghyun shook his head, a little laugh leaving his lips. “ Well… ” he drawled, his voice suddenly dipping lower. “ I could take care of that for you. ”

The velvety undertone in which he whispered those words had Jinki’s insides melt. He swallowed on a now dry throat before saying, “ Yes, please. ” He was already at the state of begging, the sharp discomfort between his legs and the ass that was pressing against it overtaking any rationality he might’ve had previously.

Jonghyun chuckled. He was tempted to frustrate the hell out of him by getting up and leaving, but he knew that would also be punishment for him. Cupping the back of his boyfriend’s neck with one hand, he pulled him in for a kiss. The soft flesh he met had him groaning, consequently bringing what had started as a slow kiss to a whole other level. He captured Jinki’s bottom lip between his teeth and bit down gently, before letting the tip of his tongue slowly roll over it.

Jinki moaned, the low rumble of his sound vibrating against the other’s mouth. His own was soon filled by Jonghyun’s eager tongue, feeling it roam all around before taking hold of his, toying with it, mating with it. He always felt so connected to Jonghyun whenever they kissed, it was so intimate, so intense; he always felt like his heart was about to burst.

Soon, it was his lungs that threatened to explode, forcing him to pull away. His breathing came in soft pants, his chest heaving. He then focused his eyes on Jonghyun, watching him go through the same ordeal.

Jonghyun looked right back at him, intently, before pecking his reddened lips. He finally moved down until he was kneeling down between his legs. His hands went straight towards the top of his dark skinny jeans, unbuttoning them before sliding the zipper down. The feeling of anticipation he got from seeing Jinki’s bulge trapped inside the cotton fabric of his briefs made him let out an almost quiet moan.

The sensuous sound went straight to the brunette’s dick, making it throb with excitement. He lifted his hips up, giving Jonghyun the freedom to slide his pants and his underwear down his legs. His erection sprang free and hardened even more as cool air hit it. Jinki winced. And then, he cried out. The coolness was suddenly replaced with the warmth of Jonghyun’s hand on him. The latter clasped his penis tightly before teasing his length with slow strokes.

Jinki groaned, his lids fluttering over his eyes. “ Fuck… ” A sharp hiss escaped his lips as Jonghyun squeezed tightly again and used his other hand to gently massage his balls. “ Damn it, Jjong… ” He should’ve known he would be in for teasing, but right now, his unsatisfied lust was making him more than impatient.

A wicked smile danced on Jonghyun’s lips. He was the one in control here and he was going to keep it that way. As he looked up at the flushed face of his boyfriend with lascivious eyes, he moved the hand that was squeezing up to the base of his shaft. His gaze then went to the tip, his own dick hardening as he watched pre-cum oozing from the slit. The sight made his hunger grow. He inched closer and stuck out his tongue. He flicked it over the top of his cock, purposely avoiding the fluid that was he was so eager to taste. He didn’t fail to hear the whine that came out from the one above him, only encouraging him to keep on teasing. He gave another flick this time closer to the slit before he was the one wincing. His head had just been yanked back forcefully, the sharp pull on his hair making his scalp sting with pain. He looked up at Jinki with surprise.

“ Stop teasing, ” the latter ordered breathlessly.

Jonghyun felt his cock twitch. He loved being in control, but he couldn’t deny that he loved it even more when Jinki’s impatience made him a little aggressive. He slowly nodded before getting back to business. He licked the pre-cum that wept from the slit, before spreading some of it all over the thick, swollen head of his dick. He looked upwards again, meeting Jinki’s eyes, right before he made the tip disappear into his mouth.

“ Shiit, babyy… ” Jinki’s eyes closed shut, his hips involuntarily bucking up to feel more of that wet warmth around him.

Jonghyun pushed him down with his free hand before taking more of him into his mouth. His nostrils flared as his lips stretched around the other’s thick girth. He gagged a little when Jinki pushed his head down further on his cock. His eyes closed as he tried to gather his breath. Despite having done this several times, it was still work to get accustomed to his size. When he finally felt like he wouldn’t choke, he went down on him a little more, to the point where his mouth met the hand he still had at the base. He had tried a few times to swallow him whole, but his gag reflex had always ended up being too strong. So he had settled for this way, comforted in the fact that it got the job done. He started moving slowly, bobbing his head up and down the length of his shaft.

“ Aaah … Yeesss…. ” Jinki’s hand had moved away from Jonghyun’s head, arm now resting at his side. He knew how good his boyfriend was at this so he let him work his magic.

Jonghyun moaned around him, relishing how full his mouth was and how much he loved to please his man. He had set a comfortable pace, but he now moved faster along his length, feeling his own impatience overwhelm him.

“ Fuck, Jjongie… I don’t think I… ” A shudder overtook the brunette and he let out a low groan as the head of his dick suddenly hit the back of Jonghyun’s throat.

The latter knew it wouldn’t be long now until his mouth was filled with Jinki’s cum. The thought of it had him going faster. He felt light-headed like he was about to faint, but he kept up anyways. Jinki moaned out his name over and over again before he came in his mouth, his body a shaking, and his breathing a wheezing mess.

Jonghyun hummed in pleasure and swallowed the hot, thick, salty substance. He took it all in before releasing Jinki’s dick with a lewd pop. He wiped his lips clean with the back of his hand before closing his eyes to catch his hectic breath. He heard Jinki move and then he heard the sound of his zipper. When he opened his eyes again, Jinki was staring right at him, his gaze filled with sleepy satiation.

“ Come, ” he said as he patted the empty cushion beside him.

Jonghyun did get up at those words, but he didn’t sit. Jinki then took it upon himself to bring him closer by grabbing him by the waist. “ I should return the favor, shouldn’t I? ” he said as his hands went to the front of his boyfriend’s pants. Before he could unzip them, Jonghyun stepped back. “ There’s no need for that, you need to rest, ” he reluctantly advised. He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t want Jinki to suck him off, but he knew the other was probably even more tired now.

“ But- ” Jinki’s attempt to protest was stopped by a finger pressing against his plump lips.

“ No buts. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself. ” Jonghyun winked, unable to stop himself from teasing a little.

“ That’s not fair, ” Jinki said with a pout.

Jonghyun snickered at his boyfriend’s expression. “ Well maybe you can reward me later when I’m done sorting out my stuff, ” he indicated suggestively.

Jinki’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard. He slowly nodded, silenced by his wild imagination.

Jonghyun turned on his heel, hiding the wide smile that now stretched his lips. In that moment, he knew that he was where he was supposed to be. Living here with Jinki.

***

_ -Three months later-_

Jonghyun’s heart jumped inside his chest as he felt Jinki stir behind him. He slowly looked back, scared to meet the other’s dark chocolate eyes. Fortunately, he was glad to see that his boyfriend still was in deep sleep, a fine trickle of saliva dribbling down his chin. A soft smile graced Jonghyun’s lips. He allowed himself a few seconds to take in the endearing sight that was his boyfriend sleeping. He had missed those moments. He had missed the promise of a peaceful day where it felt like they were the only ones alive in this world. He extended a hand to bring it to Jinki’s face, but right before his fingertips met the softness of his skin, he retracted it. _Later. _Right now, he needed to get on with what he had planned for the morning. He turned back again and rolled out of bed as quietly as he could. He shivered as his feet met the cold wooden floor, but he lost no time to walk over to the door and step out of their bedroom. He pulled it close, once again being mindful of making as little noise as possible.

A sigh of relief crossed his lips as he finally walked into the kitchen. The first part of his mission was a success. Now, he just had to make sure that everything would be ready before Jinki woke up. That was the most crucial part. He wanted to see the surprise on the brunette’s face when he’d see the great breakfast he had just prepared for him. He had long wanted to return the favor, but he had lacked time. Between attending his classes, studying, and hosting a radio show on campus, the only things he had time left for were breathing and eating. And Jinki had made sure to help him manage everything by always preparing breakfast, lunch and even sometimes supper for him. Jonghyun couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have someone like him in his life. The thought had him biting his lip to stop the wide grin that threatened to crack his face. He was happy. And all he wanted right now was to share that feeling with his boyfriend. He finally got going and took out some of the ingredients he needed. A feeling of déjà vu seized him as he looked at all the items he had gathered on the counter. It couldn’t be helped. Not that long ago, he had found himself doing the same in another kitchen. The sense of lightness he had felt so far withered at the thought, but he made a deliberate effort to shake it off. This wasn’t another time, this was now. It wasn’t the end of something. It was only the beginning.   
  
And began he did. The recipe didn’t change, but the feeling with which it was executed was completely different. In that moment, he felt at peace. It was a naive peace that was fragile, but his focus kept any serious thought at bay. Half an hour passed by like that, having for only reality the making of the fluffiest and yummiest pancakes ever. Still, he had stayed vigilant, keeping an ear open for any foreign noise, but fortunately, he was granted the time to cook all the batter he had prepared and pile up the pancakes on two plates. As he finally caught the sound of footsteps a few seconds later, he rushed to put the plates on their dining table before placing the maple syrup right between them. He then walked back to his working space to put some stuff away and start the coffee machine. He turned back right in time to see Jinki coming from the hallway. When their eyes met, they shared a brief smile before Jinki’s expression became confused.

“ What are you doing? ” Jinki asked with a cocked eyebrow. He couldn’t help but wonder if the delicious smell his nose had just caught was a product of his imagination or if it was indeed real.

Jonghyun smiled again, this time wider. “ Nothing much… ” His smile became a laugh as he saw a frown form on the brunette’s face. _You’ll never know how cute you are, _he thought as he went on with what he was doing. The coffee machine started brewing, soon adding to the comforting scent floating around. Meanwhile, he hadn’t noticed that Jinki had gotten closer to him, making him jump slightly when he turned back again. The taller one was right there, only a few inches apart, staring at him with the intent look that never failed to weaken him.

“ Thank you, ” Jinki simply said before instantly diving in for a kiss. His strong arms wrapped around his boyfriend’s little waist, affirming to them both once again that this was a real. That _they_ were real.

Jonghyun softly moaned, enjoying every second of the kiss until his lungs reminded him again of his need for air. _Stupid lungs. _If there was something he could never get enough of, it was kisses. Some might say he had an oral fixation, but he didn’t care. “ You haven’t even gone to the table yet, ” he remarked as the other’s last words rang in his mind.

“ Well from what I can smell, I already know I’m going to love it, ” Jinki replied with a dashing smile.

Jonghyun playfully hit him on the chest. “ Wait ‘till you taste it. ”

“ Oh shit, you’re right, ” Jinki teased with a hearty laugh.

The younger one gave him a fake pout before turning towards one of the cupboards. He took out two cups and poured the hot coffee into them. Nothing more was needed; they both loved their coffee just like that. Before he could grab both cups, Jinki took one. “ Let me help, ” he said. “ Do we need anything else? ”

Jonghyun took a second to think. “ Yeah, utensils, ” he realized. Once again, he was beat to it as Jinki opened one of drawers under the counter and took out two sets of forks and knives. He shook his head in light disapproval. He hadn’t wanted Jinki to even lift a finger, but his enthusiasm was too contagious. He smiled openly as the other gave him one of those wide grins that made his eyes disappear. “ Okay, come. ”

He led the way straight ahead, bringing them a few seconds later into the dining room. Jonghyun gave a quick glance towards the other. An amused laugh immediately escaped his lips as he watched his eyes widen. “ Happy? ” he verified.

Jinki’s head bobbed up and down in a vigorous nod. “ You finally made them, ” he exclaimed, his voice full of awe.

Jonghyun knew his cheeks would soon hurt from smiling so much. “ Yes, I wanted to surprise you. ” He had teased the other several times by mentioning how good his pancakes were, but he had never actually gotten to making them. Until now.

Jinki’s stomach grumbled. His hunger was fully awakened now. He pushed his chair back and sat in front of the plate that had been set for him. He picked up his fork, but before he allowed himself to dig in, he gave his boyfriend a long look. “ Thank you, ” he said again, his words full of sentiment.

Jonghyun shook his head, before he too settled into a chair. “ Stop thanking me, this is nothing… ” He observed. Indeed, preparing him a great breakfast wasn’t beginning to make up for all that the other had done for him.

“ It’s not nothing,” Jinki instantly countered. “ I really appreciate it, ” he reiterated. He kept his eyes on Jonghyun to make sure he was convinced by his words.

“ I’m glad. ” The latter lowered his head slightly. “ It’s just that… you’ve done so much for me so… ” He sighed. “ I’m just trying to find ways to show youhow grateful I am, but I know it’s not enough. ” He hadn’t wanted to sound so serious, but the words had just poured out of him. Jonghyun lifted his head up again as he heard a chair being pulled back.

Jinki walked over to him before kneeling to meet his eyes again. “ You need to stop feeling guilty about this. It was my pleasure to help you and I don’t expect you to pay me back for it either, ” he firmly reminded. “ Got it? ” he then checked as Jonghyun stayed silent.

“ Yeah… ” Jonghyun finally answered, despite his persistent unease. It wasn’t easy for him to let go of something so big. He still couldn’t get over his boyfriend’s generosity. Even though he was beyond grateful, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He was once again being dependent on him and he hadn’t much to offer in return.

“ I love you. ”

Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of those words. A vivid warmth filled him, making him feel like his insides were melting. He knew if he didn’t shift the attention elsewhere, he’d soon be in tears. “ I love you too, ” he replied, voice heavy with emotion. Clearing his throat, he rapidly added, “ Okay, you need to eat those pancakes now, they’re probably already cold. ”

Jinki chuckled. “ I know what you’re trying to do, but you’re probably right. ”

Jonghyun pouted again, crossing his arms in slight annoyance. “ Go. ”

The brunette brought a hand up to his boyfriend’s cheek and gave it a quick caress before moving back to where he had been seated. As soon as he was in front of his plate again, he plunged his fork into the top of the pile and took a first bite. A loud hum of contentment instantly left his lips as he chewed. “ Oh god… this is heaven… ” He exclaimed before taking another bite.

Jonghyun smiled and started eating too. He didn’t manifest his enjoyment as loudly, but he could definitely agree that those pancakes were indeed heaven.

“ At what time did you come home last night? ” Jinki asked as he put down his fork for a moment.

Jonghyun’s heart fluttered, thing that always happened whenever Jinki talked about the apartment as _their _home. “ Around midnight. ” He didn’t like getting home so late, but he had exams coming soon and he couldn’t afford to fail them.

“ Studying hard, huh? ” Jinki teased.

Jonghyun knew what hid under that light tone. He wasn’t around much anymore and that undeniably had an effect on them both.

“ Yeah… I’m sorry. ” He felt bad, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

Jinki blinked slowly a few times, taken aback. “ Why are you apologizing? I’m happy that you’re so invested in your studies, _that’s good_. ” He deliberately stressed those last words to once again eliminate any guilt his boyfriend still carried. “ Plus, I should just make myself more busy, ” he joked, turning his gaze back to his food.

“ Weren’t you meeting clients yesterday? ” Jonghyun remarked.

“ Well yeah… ” Jinki stuffed his mouth with more pancake. “ But, that didn’t last more than half the day. Like, their finances were in pretty good shape so all I pretty much had to say was _Keep it up_, ” he then explained with a little laugh.

“ Well that’s good, ” Jonghyun acknowledged before eating some more. It still felt surreal to him to hear Jinki talk about finances. He still hadn’t gotten over the fact that his boyfriend had a degree in business management. That fact had popped up a few weeks ago when the other had expressed his interest in doing some freelance accounting again. He remembered how shocked he had been at that time. It was like he had discovered a whole new world. He hadn’t quite been able to understand how someone who was so good with words could also be so good with numbers. And he still didn’t. _He’ll never stop surprising me, _he thought again as he drank some of his coffee.

“ Maybe you could start writing again… ” Jonghyun suggested, despite knowing what the answer would be.

A heavy sigh was his first answer. “ I can’t… ”

The younger one felt a lump form in the back of his throat. The last thing he wanted was to upset Jinki, but the fact that he hadn’t written anything in months bothered him deeply. “ Have you tried lately? ” he persisted anyways.

“ No… ” Jinki reluctantly admitted. He felt bad for not being able to write something that wasn’t related to his relationships. He had wanted to break that vicious cycle and just write something for the sake of it, but every time he had sat down, an overwhelming sense of panic had forced him to stop. And having in mind that Jonghyun had taken interest in him through his writing, he somehow felt like he’d lose value in his eyes if he didn’t get back to it.

“ It’s fine, ” Jonghyun rapidly reassured. “ I’m sure inspiration will come back to you soon. ” He tried to give his boyfriend the most genuine smile that he could, but it instantly fell as he caught the sullen expression on his face. The lump grew bigger. He had fucked up.

They both slightly jumped in their seats as the sound of a phone buzzing caught them off guard.

“ I’ll go see whose cell it is, ” Jinki indicated as he swiftly got up, grateful for the distraction. He soon disappeared as he passed the doorframe, leaving Jonghyun alone to beat himself up.

He sighed. _You should’ve kept your mouth shut. _His fork hit the ceramic plate as he let go of his grip on it. He didn’t feel hungry anymore. A few minutes passed during which he impatiently waited for Jinki to get back. Just as he found himself wondering what was taking so long, the latter came back. Jonghyun looked at him and felt his chest tighten. Something was wrong.

“ What happened? ” he asked in panic.

Jinki ran a hand over his face. “ Um… that was Kibum… ” he uncomfortably shared.

Jonghyun frowned. “ What do you mean? ”

“ He was the one calling… He was calling me… ” Jinki tried to explain as his brain was still in overdrive.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened. “ Oh… ”

“ Apparently, he is in town and… and he wants to see me, ” Jinki revealed, heart thrumming hard and fast.

Jonghyun couldn’t believe it. He was almost tempted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, but he abstained. “ So… um… what did you say? ” he asked as normally as he could.

“ I said yes, ” Jinki gravely replied.

“ Okay. ” Jonghyun didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t say that he was happy.

In fact, he wasn’t happy at all.


	4. Shame of love. [Flashback Part II]

Jinki downed another glass of water. The waiter passing by had just filled it to the rim and now it was empty again. He knew the dryness of his mouth couldn't be soothed by any amount of liquid, but drinking was the simplest thing he could do while he nervously waited for the other to show. He didn't even dare to look at his cellphone to see if Jonghyun had tried to reach him. It probably wasn't the case, judging on how tense his boyfriend had seemed right before he had stepped out of their apartment. He couldn't blame him. He probably would've felt betrayed too if he were in his shoes. Nevertheless, Kibum was his brother and he couldn't let anyone come between them. Jinki bit his lip. _Liar. _He knew it was dishonest to be thinking that. He knew that that was what had kind of already happened. And that made it that much more important to him to pick up the broken pieces and try to piece them back together. The question now was : _Was that even possible?_ He wished with all his heart that he hadn't messed up for good, but he mentally braced himself for that possibility. He had done the worst thing he could've ever done to his brother and put in his position, he wasn't sure he would've been able to get over that.

_I'm so sorry, Kibum. _

He didn't know if an apology would have any kind of impact, but he was prepared to apologize until the day he took his last breath. Over the last few months, those words had crossed his mind every hour of the day. At first, he had tried to ignore them, but the more they popped up, the more he realized it was selfish of him to try to keep them away. The least he could do was carry the burden of his fault. If he was going to be with Jonghyun, he needed to always keep in mind what that happiness had cost. It had cost him his integrity, part of his sanity and the unshakeable bond he had previously shared with his brother.

_I'm so sorry, Kibum. _

The waiter came back again to fill his glass. '' Sir, are you ready to order now? '' he politely asked.

Jinki could feel some impatience in his seemingly nice tone. '' Um... yeah... uh... '' He tried to come up with an order quickly. '' A black coffee, please, '' he finally said, right before giving himself a mental kick in the butt.

The waiter had already turned on his heels before he had a chance to retract his order. He had sworn off coffee for the last few weeks to keep his anxiety at a reasonable level. It was slowly starting to work after he had had to go through the withdrawal symptoms. He was just starting to not feel like a zombie again and now he was about to ruin it all. He could've gone for _I'll just not drink it_, but he knew his resolve wasn't that strong. The smell of coffee had never stopped being triggering, so much that he had had to ask Jonghyun to not make coffee in the apartment anymore and go buy it outside instead. He knew how much of an addict that had made him sound, but that was just part of who he was. He always had to have something overtaking his life. And consequently, he always had to go through the pain of having that something not be in his life anymore. Coffee had probably been the least painful thing he had had to rid himself of.

The steaming cup was suddenly set before him. As he had expected, the warm and bitter liquid lost no time to glide along his taste buds. His eyes widened in pleasure, his restlessness temporarily soothed by the familiarity of the taste. If anyone had been watching him closely, they would've probably thought that he was a drug addict getting his fix, but that would've been too simple an assumption. Nothing was getting fixed; he was just breaking himself apart more before someone else could do that for him. He was now accepting that he couldn't help wanting what he wanted no matter what the consequences might be. So when those words would get thrown at him, he'd just catch them, thus accepting his responsibility.

The little bell attached to the front door of the coffee shop suddenly rung, advising the employees that someone had just come in. Jinki's gaze moved upwards, making him forget about his drug for a moment. His body lost all its blood, making him die for a split second before every one of his senses heightened into survival mode. His eyes met those of his brother. The latter froze for a moment in his tracks before he picked up the pace again and stopped in front of his table.

'' Hi, '' Kibum dryly said before he sat down on the empty chair that had forever been waiting for him.

'' Hi, '' Jinki managed to reply despite feeling like his own throat was closing in on itself. Simultaneously, he also felt like the room had just gotten thirty times hotter. If he had had any common sense, he would've run out the door to save himself from what was about to come. But common sense had never been his forte. Suffering was.

'' You started without me, huh? '' Kibum noted as his eyes stopped on his cup.

Jinki tried to swallow the scarce amount of moistness left his mouth. '' The waiter was getting impatient... '' he explained as his inner voice let out a loud curse. He didn't want this meeting to start on the wrong foot.

Kibum frowned. '' How long have you been here? ''

'' Um... '' Jinki looked at his watch. '' For almost thirty minutes, '' he realized with surprise. He didn't dare say that it felt like he had been waiting for two hours.

'' Didn't we say 11? '' Kibum asked, confused.

'' Yes, yes. I just... I just came earlier, '' Jinki reassured. The truth of the matter was that he couldn't have stayed in their apartment any longer. The palpable moodiness of his boyfriend had almost brought him to the brink of despair. He had felt like his whole word had been about to collapse, so instead of watching it crash and burn, he had chosen to flee. That was also another one of his strengths. He would deal with Jonghyun later. _If it's not too late... _Jinki took a deep breath and forcefully brought himself back to the present moment.

'' Do you want to order anything? '' he casually asked the one he had missed more than words could say. He allowed himself to keep his eyes on him as he waited for an answer. He had just enough time to notice that the other's hair had grown, bringing his bangs right over his feline eyes, before he answered.

'' Yeah, I've been craving an almond croissant and a spicy latte for some while now, '' Kibum admitted with a normalcy that caught Jinki off guard.

The older one couldn't help but feel a spark of hope light up inside him.

'' Don't you eat that every day in London? '' Jinki asked with what might've been a laugh if this had been any other normal family bonding time.

Kibum snorted. '' Do you want me to get fat? ''

Jinki couldn't help it this time. A frank laugh left his lips as he was reminded of how shallow Kibum could sometimes be. Jinki had never seen that as something annoying though. He actually admired that in his brother. There had always been that lightness about him that he never had had within himself. He was always too serious about everything and he always felt things too deeply.

'' A little fat never hurt nobody, '' he joked as he felt his body relax.

'' Not if you work in the fashion industry, '' Kibum countered as what seemed like a smile crept up his lips.

'' You're not a model, '' Jinki instantly pointed out.

'' That doesn't mean I should let myself go,'' the younger one promptly retorted.

'' No one said anything about letting yourself go. I was just pointing out that putting on a few extra pounds wasn't the end of the world, '' Jinki reiterated with another laugh.

Kibum suddenly gave his brother a serious look. '' Well it would be for me. '' His words fell into the space like a ton of bricks. 

Jinki felt a chill run down his spine. _What just happened? _'' That's fine, I get it, '' he awkwardly acknowledged after clearing his throat. His body became tense again. Fortunately, the waiter stopped at their table at that moment. '' What can I get for you? '' he asked as his body turned towards the newly arrived.

'' I'll take a cup of fruits and french toasts, please. Oh, and a cup of camomile tea too, '' he indicated.

Jinki's brows furrowed. _Why the sudden change? _

'' And can I get something else for you sir? '' the young man in uniform then asked him.

'' No, I'm fine, thank you. ''

They were then left alone again. Jinki would've been tempted to let an uncomfortable silence settle between them, but he was too curious to keep his mouth shut.

'' What happened to the almond croissant and the spicy latte? '' he asked.

'' I didn't feel like eating that anymore. People change you know? '' Kibum observed.

Jinki couldn't help but feel like that seemingly innocent statement had a double meaning. He nibbled on his bottom lip to try to calm his nerves, but that didn't do much for him. Instead, he settled for taking another sip of coffee. That comforted him for a second before he was left to deal with his unease and hurt. His head dropped forward slightly, his gaze burning through the wood of the table. He had just been given a taste of how good things had been between them and he wished he could've gotten more of it. He wanted to be able to talk to his brother about anything and everything, but now he had to think about his every word. _I'm so sorry, Kibum. _He wanted to let those words out, he wanted the other to hear them, but he knew that might make things worse. So what then? What could he do? Why had Kibum called him? All those questions were running through his mind as he tried not to crumble in front of his brother.

'' Jinki, '' Kibum firmly uttered.

The older one tried to push down the lump of guilt that had risen in his throat, before lifting his head up again. Jinki felt his heart skip a beat. Kibum's expression was dead serious.

'' You're thinking about apologizing, aren't you? '' the younger one inquired only to confirm what he already knew.

Jinki slowly nodded as his palms rapidly became covered in cold sweat. In that moment, he silently wished the other hadn't known him so well.

'' Well, go ahead, '' Kibum said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Jinki's eyes widened for a second before they retrieved their normal size. That was to be expected, this was part of the process. The brunette cleared his throat again.

'' I... '' His heart was now racing, his mind being filled up by a heavy fog. '' I..., '' he tried again, but the rest of the sentence stayed stuck in his throat. It was a different thing to want to apologize and to actually be able to apologize. It should've been easy though. Kibum deserved to get a sincere apology more than anything.

He was once again saved by the waiter who came to their table with the younger one's order. After a brief thank you on the latter's part, the other man went away, leaving Jinki with no other escape. He could've said that he needed to use the restroom, but that would've just been utterly pathetic. He couldn't escape anymore.

'' Kibum, I'm... '' He stopped himself again. Something in Kibum's gaze struck him with fear. He already knew there was no use trying to get those words out now. He had lost his chance. 

'' Why is it so hard for you to apologize? '' Kibum sharply asked.

'' I... '' Jinki bit his lip hard this time. He could feel his insides shake. He wouldn't last long if things kept up this way.

'' You're just as selfish as before, '' his brother let out accusingly.

Those words felt like a slap to Jinki's face. That was the last thing he wanted to hear. ''No... Kibum, that's not it... ''

'' That's exactly it. You can't apologize because that would ruin your little fantasy. You'd have to admit that you did something wrong, '' Kibum kept on in the same tone, his anger picking up with every word.

Jinki shook his head vigorously. '' I know I did something wrong. I know it too well, '' he immediately countered, giving way to the lump of guilt that had just wanted to get out of him.

'' Do you? '' Kibum threw at him with spite. '' So let me ask you a little question. Are you still with him? ''

The question was another slap to his face. That was the last thing he wanted to be asked. '' Yes... '' His head dropped once more; at this point he knew it was game over. He wouldn't get the chance to face Kibum ever again.

A brutal silence followed his answer, making him feel like the worst human being in the entire world. Maybe Kibum was right; maybe he had been lying to himself all that time. He was just now realizing his feelings of guilt didn't match his actions. He wasn't paying the full price for his crime.

'' I'm sorry, Kibum. '' At this point, the words just fell out of his mouth, the guilt he carried inside him now unbearable.

'' I'm sorry too, Jinki. I thought you might've done the right thing by now, '' the younger one pointed out.

That was the final slap. Jinki felt his eyes sting and then his whole vision became a blur. He still heard the chair in front of him being pulled back. He rubbed his eyes fast enough to catch his brother walking towards the exit. He then looked at the untouched cup of fruits and plate of french toasts. His heart squeezed as the other's previous words hit him again.

_People change you know?_

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonghyun paced back and forth for what felt like the millionth time. The inner turmoil that had been torturing him for the last few hours had finally spilled out into physical restlessness. He couldn't get rid of all those questions he knew he shouldn't be asking himself. They all kept rolling through his mind one after the other. And then the most important one would always end up popping up, making his chest tighten and his body stiffen. _What if he leaves me?_

This time that question had him stop in his tracks. He froze right there into place, somewhere right in between the lamp at the corner of the living room and the futon at its other end. He was suddenly completely engulfed in the scene unfolding in his mind. Jinki with a bag in one hand and his passport in the other.

  
_This has happened before so why can't it now?_ He found himself thinking. In the end, Jinki had stayed, but Jonghyun always had that fear inside him of waking up and being alone. He knew that was selfish of him to even think, but he didn't want anyone to come in between him and Jinki, not even Kibum.  
  
A sigh unconsciously left Jonghyun's mouth. All that thinking had him feeling drained. He just wanted the wait to end. He wanted to see Jinki and be comforted in the fact that he still loved him. He wouldn't be able to bear seeing in his eyes that things had changed. The thought only had him leaning against the back of their couch. He knew he should be keeping himself occupied, but anything he had tried to do previously hadn't helped to keep the thoughts at bay. To make things worse, he was carrying the guilt of having not shown his boyfriend support. Instead, he had clearly shown how unhappy he had been that his boyfriend was going to see his brother. For that, he felt terribly sorry. He didn't want to make things more difficult for Jinki, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. He had gotten so used to having a cozy life with him that any type of turbulence that menaced their homeostasis felt like a huge hindrance. All that heartache they had gone through before being able to be together couldn't be for nothing. Their story had been too complex for it to have such a simple ending.

  
Jonghyun jumped from surprise as his phone suddenly rang. He looked around in panic, trying to find it before the caller was directed to voicemail. After a few seconds of turning his head from side to side, he finally located it. He threw his body forward to grab the device that had slipped into one of the cracks of the couch. He pulled it out just in time to see who was calling. He answered on the spot.  
  
'' Hey baby, how did it-'' The rest of his sentence stuck midway in his throat as he heard a strangled sob at the other end. His heart squeezed in his chest.

  
''Jinki, where are you ?'' All of his protective instincts had just kicked in, making him ready to unfold the wings he didn't have to get to his man.

  
The sobs went on almost quietly, but to Jonghyun they sounded as clear as day.

  
'' Jinki, please, say something, '' he voiced desperately.

  
'' I-I... '' A hiccup interrupted the other's words. '' I'm in... I'm at... the park...'' His voice was hoarse, almost grating to the younger one's ear.

Jonghyun's heart rate quickened. '' What park? '' he almost shouted in panic. Something in his gut was telling him that a catastrophe was about to happen.

  
'' I... '' The sound of sniffing followed. '' I think it's close to home... I tried to drive home, but I can't... ''  
  
Jonghyun knew in that instant that the other had been drinking. Contrary to him, he didn't drag his words, but the heaviness in his voice and his apparent confused state said it all.  
  
'' Jinki, I need you to tell me where you are, '' he said in his most authoritative voice. There was no time to be lost. Jonghyun needed to make sure he was okay. Plus, if Jinki got caught getting drunk in a park he could get arrested.

  
A couple of sniffs were heard again before the sound of a liquid being swished around in a bottle ensued. '' I shouldn't have called you. I don't want you to see me like this... ''

  
'' Like what? Drunk? '' Jonghyun instantly threw back in disbelief. '' Look, you've seen me drunk so many times so that's not going to cut it. '' The younger one could feel himself getting impatient, but he couldn't help it. He had waited too long already. ''Come on, Jinki, what park are you at?'' he pressed.  
  
A heavy sigh resonated through the device he was holding against his ear. '' Wait...''

  
Silence came right after. Jonghyun tapped one foot against the wooden floor to shake off some nervousness. It felt like too long of a time before he heard the breathing of his boyfriend again.

'' I'm close to the restaurant where we ate those good kimchi pancakes, '' the older one indicated in a more conscious tone.

A bulb lit up in Jonghyun's mind. He remembered exactly where that was. It wasn't that far, even from walking distance. '' I'll be there in a few. Don't move, '' he ordered before hanging up.

Every move that followed was sped up to the max, to the point that he was left no time to think. He rushed out of their apartment and went down the stairs with an agility he would've never suspected he had. The crisp air of the afternoon hit him in the face, but he barely felt it as he cut through it immediately, running towards his destination. _Jinki. _That was the only thought that made it through whilst all his efforts were directed to keeping his body moving as fast as possible. There was probably no reason to be so alarmed, but Jonghyun had never been known for his rationality. He always ran on emotion. That fuel got him to where he wanted to be ten minutes later. Before he could spot his boyfriend, he found himself having to bend forward, his body reminding him that he needed to catch his breath. His lungs still burned as he finally started walking, but that was the least of his concerns. He looked ahead and around, but couldn't see Jinki. In an instant, he had his phone to his ear. Fortunately, he didn't have to wait long for the ringing to stop.

'' Jinki, I'm here, where are you? '' he asked urgently.

'' I'm in front of the pond. ''

Jonghyun noted that his voice had taken that heavy tone again, but he lost no more time on that thought. He started walking again, straight ahead, hoping that the pond wasn't far away. They were in an immense park, which didn't help one bit to reassure him. He felt like they were worlds apart. He kept on, the phone still to his ear, the almost quiet breathing of his boyfriend the only soothing thing in that moment. He soon stopped dead in his tracks as he finally saw a stretch of water. Forgetting the pain he had previously felt inside his chest, he ran again against the uneven ground, holding his phone tightly in one hand. When he stopped, something else than his lungs reacted. A sharp pain shot through the middle of his chest as his gaze fell on the one he had been longing for all day. The heartbreak was so visible in the other's eyes, his own heart felt like it was shattering. He gave Jinki a long still look, taking in his slouched body on the bench and his now almost empty bottle of... _Rum. _Jonghyun let himself fall right beside Jinki. His first move was to remove the bottle from his left hand. The brunette showed no resistance. The second move was to take his now empty hand into his and squeeze tight. There were plenty of questions and words he could've put out into the world right now, but he knew better than to voice them. They stayed like that, in shared silence, for what felt like eternity. Jonghyun didn't even dare stealing glances. He knew how shameful Jinki was probably feeling right now and he didn't want to add to his burden. He wanted to be the quiet presence that would bring him out from the current abyss he was in. The third move was to trace circles with his thumb over his soft skin. That was to show his love, to show that he wasn't going anywhere.

A heavy sigh was the response he got to that gesture. Jinki slowly retracted his hand from his hold, before running it through his hair and over his face.

Jonghyun tried not to linger on the feeling of hurt that had sparked inside him. Instead, he allowed himself to look at him again. He noticed how tired he looked. '' Jinki, let's go home, '' he said. That was the only logical next move left to be made now.

But apparently, it wasn't for Jinki. '' I can't. '' His words came out steady, deadpanned.

Jonghyun frowned in confusion. '' What do you mean, you can't? '' He waited for the other to explain himself, but the explanation never came. Jinki didn't even give one look his way. '' You're not going to sleep here, '' he then added firmly.

'' No, but I guess I should sleep elsewhere tonight, '' the older one carefully uttered.

The crease between Jonghyun's brows dug deeper. '' What the fuck, Jinki? '' He couldn't help but express in an irritated voice. He didn't want to deal with whatever the other's words meant. He just wanted to get back to normal, whatever their normal was.

'' What happened? '' he insisted when Jinki chose silence again for an answer. '' You need to talk to me, because I'm about to lose it, '' he continued despite himself. He was pissed off. It wasn't like him to react so strongly, but if there was something he didn't like was to not be able to read someone else. Especially the one he was currently sharing a bed with. Kibum had been such an open book, but with Jinki it had always been hard to get to the bottom of his feelings. It was like he was still guarded and Jonghyun would be lying if he said that that didn't bother him one bit.

'' It would be wrong for me to be sleeping in the same bed as you, '' Jinki finally let out. His voice was soft and calm, a little too controlled for Jonghyun's liking. He felt like a decision had just been made for the both of them.

'' It hasn't been wrong all along so why would it be wrong now? '' the younger one countered categorically. He knew what answer was about to come, but he didn't care.

'' Jonghyun... '' Jinki sighed as he let his body sink a little lower on the bench. '' I saw Kibum today, '' he reminded as he tried his best to prevent tears from coming up again.

'' I know, Jinki, '' Jonghyun simply said. He knew that must've been a difficult encounter, but it was part of their story and they just had to live with it.

'' That's why I can't sleep in the same bed as you, '' Jinki reiterated as he straightened up. He turned his head slowly, mustering up all the courage he had left inside of him to be able to look the one he loved beyond words into the eyes. '' I couldn't even... '' He stopped himself as he felt his bottom lip trembling. He bit into it hard, trying to keep his control in check. '' I couldn't even tell him that I was sor-ry... '' His voice broke on the last word before a whole flood of emotions destroyed the inner barrier he had been trying to keep up. His head dropped as tears started rolling down his cheeks.

Jonghyun felt like he had just been punched in the gut. He was paralyzed for a few seconds by the sight of his boyfriend crying, before his protective instincts kicked in again. His arms were soon wrapped around the other's solid figure, squeezing him as tightly as he could against him. _Oh, Jinki... _He was on the verge of tears too, but he did his best not to let his emotions overwhelm him. He needed to be the strong one this time. Without even realizing it, he had begun to rock him back and forth in his arms like a baby. When he did realize, he just kept on, hoping that would soothe Jinki at least momentarily. The sobs slowly became more quiet until they stopped completely. Jonghyun tried to catch a better view of Jinki's face, but the latter was still hiding behind his hands.

'' Baby, come on, let's go home, '' Jonghyun tried again as he pulled back to give the other some space.

Jinki wiped the tears that had started to dry on his skin with the back of his hands. '' Okay, '' he said almost instantly.

Their eyes locked as they both turned their heads in the same direction. Jonghyun gave his boyfriend a small smile before getting up onto his feet. He extended a hand towards the other and pulled him up when he grabbed his hand. The smaller one then slid his arm under his, intertwining them tightly for closeness.

'' Where's the car? '' Jonghyun softly asked as he leaned his head against the taller one's shoulder.

'' It's parked not far from that restaurant, '' Jinki answered.

Jonghyun could feel that the other was still tense, but he wasn't about to make a case out of it now. The most important thing at the moment was to get Jinki back home. They slowly made their way back towards the streets. A few minutes later, they crossed the road and finally entered the car. Jonghyun let out a sigh of relief as his ass landed in the cushion of the driver's seat. There hadn't even been a need to voice that he was going to drive. As soon as they had reached the car, Jinki had pulled out his keys and given them to him. He lost no time to get the car moving. He just wanted them to be in their own little world. _That's what's best for us, _he thought as he stopped at a red light.

A sudden chuckle had him looking to his right.

'' You know what I did today? '' Jinki said, apparently amused by whatever thought was on his mind.

'' Um, yeah... you got drunk, '' Jonghyun pointed out whilst purposely omitting to mention the encounter the other had had earlier.

'' Well yeah, that's not good I guess, but I did something even worse, '' Jinki shared with the same amusement in his tone.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow as he tried to decipher his boyfriend's expression. He didn't know if he should be scared. Instead, he was just utterly confused. '' What are you talking about? ''

The light turned green, having him look back at the road.

'' I drank coffee, '' Jinki revealed before his shoulders started shaking with laughter.

Jonghyun's eyes widened. Yes, he was surprised about the coffee part, but he was mostly surprised by Jinki's sudden change in emotion. The man was laughing as if he had no worries at all.

'' Okay... '' He didn't know what to say to that.

'' I mean I wasn't going to, but the waiter was getting impatient so it kinda just happened, '' Jinki explained matter-of-factly.

_Weird. _Jonghyun was still taken aback. He had been holding a crying Jinki in his arms not even ten minutes ago and now the brunette was talking about drinking coffee again with an unsettling lightness.

'' Coffee ain't that bad, '' Jonghyun noted with a shrug. _I prefer you drink coffee than get wasted in a park. _

'' Yeah... I guess, but... I just wanted to get rid of that addiction, '' Jinki remarked. '' I just wanted to feel like I was more in control, you know? '' he went on pensively.

Jonghyun couldn't help but sigh. _Stop being so hard on yourself. _'' I get it, but sometimes we have to choose our battles. ''

'' Right... '' Jinki unconvincingly acknowledged.

Jonghyun looked his way again. There was no more lightness to his expression. '' We're almost there. It's bedtime for you as soon as we get home, '' he indicated.

Jinki snorted. '' I'm not three, Jjong. ''

'' There is no difference between a child and a 27 year old who has had too much to drink, '' Jonghyun retorted wittily.

'' Well I hope I get a bedtime story then, '' Jinki said in a pouty tone.

'' Whatever you want, baby, '' Jonghyun naturally conceded. He caught the small smile that formed on his boyfriend's lips in that moment and that only had him feeling like that happiest man in the world right now. _I'll do anything for you. _

The rest of the drive went on in a peaceful silence. When they finally got out of the car, the sky had become much darker and the air that much more colder. The warmth of their apartment was only more appreciated as they stepped into it. They took off their jackets and shoes. Then, Jonghyun turned around to face his boyfriend.

'' So bed it- Mmph... '' His words were cut off by the taller one's soft lips pressing against his. In an instant, arms were wrapped tightly around his waist and a warm tongue had found its way into his mouth. He gave into the kiss with not even a slight show of resistance, having his own taste of the rum the one had been drinking earlier. A soft sigh escaped between his lips as he slid a hand to the back of the other's neck to deepen the kiss. Jinki's sudden groan only had him want more. But they both had to pull back as their lungs started manifesting their need for air.

Their eyes locked as soft pants escaped their lips in sync. '' What was that about? '' Jonghyun inquired shortly after.

'' A goodnight kiss, but I shouldn't have done that ... '' Jinki indicated.

Jonghyun felt a pang in his chest. He knew what that meant. '' Don't sa-''

'' Because now I want more, '' the older one interrupted. His gaze narrowed as he looked his boyfriend up and down. '' Why do you always do this to me? '' The resentment in his tone was subtle, but it was there.

Jonghyun wasn't going to apologize for what he was making the other feel. '' Because you love me, '' he simply answered, his hazel eyes looking straight at him. He then leaned closer, bringing them only an inch apart. '' And I love you, '' he continued softly. His right hand came up to give the taller one's cheek a caress before it moved to the back of his neck again. He pulled him in for another kiss, a more gentle one this time, to remove any worry that was still lingering in his mind.

Jinki pulled away first. '' I said I couldn't be in the same bed as you tonight and now all I can think of is making love to you... I must be crazy... '' he quietly voiced.

Jonghyun felt his heart rate quicken. He didn't care for guilt right now; right now he just wanted Jinki.

'' Who cares if you're crazy, heck I'm probably the craziest one here. Like just...'' Jonghyun had to stop to gather his thoughts. '' Stop thinking so much, Jinki, '' he pleaded. He was getting exasperated and his already growing neediness was not helping.

A heavy sigh left the lips of the older one as he looked away. '' You're right, I'm sorry, '' he said, remorseful.

Jonghyun cupped the brunette's chin in his hand, turning his head back towards him. '' It's fine, baby. Let's just forget about all this tonight, okay? '' he softly uttered. He could see the lingering torment in the dark orbs of the eyes he was looking into. He wanted to get rid of it. He kissed Jinki again, more forcefully, moaning as soon as their tongues slid against each other's in a needy manner.

Jinki had been craving that closeness, those moments of intimacy they scarcely had had any time to share lately. Even though part of him was still battling with his conscience, Jonghyun was surely breaking through all his defenses. The smaller one suddenly tugged him flush against him, which made him let out a muffled groan of pain and pleasure. The kiss became sloppier as his focus was brutally shifted to the feeling of his boyfriend's groin pressed hard against his own erection. '' Jjong... '' he panted heavily when their lips parted.

'' You better not say that you can't do this or I'll kill you, '' Jonghyun sharply cut in.

That thought might've been on Jinki's mind, but it was constantly being pushed back by his current feelings. Their chests collided as he grabbed Jonghyun's ass firmly. He bit his lip to help himself from groaning again. '' I couldn't stop even if I wanted to, '' he said as his voice dipped sensually lower. A satisfied smile stretched his plump lips as he felt the other shiver against him.

'' Jinki... '' Jonghyun unabashedly whined as he looked into pupils dilated with arousal. He almost lost himself in the near pitch-dark hue of his irises, but the discomfort the tightness of his jeans was creating was reminding him of his need for more action. He pulled away slightly to let his hand slide between their bodies. '' Jinki, I need you... '' he voiced pleadingly before cupping his boyfriend firmly between the legs.

'' Ugh... '' The sound came out raw, a sensual music to Jonghyun's ear. Wanting to hear more of it, he went on caressing the other's visibly swollen member through the hard fabric of his jeans.

Jinki's legs parted more instinctively as his lids slowly fell over his eyes. His breathing had already become heavy, making the sounds that left him that much more enticing. '' Ugh... fuck... '' he cursed as he felt his legs shake from the overwhelming sensation the other's touch was provoking in and outside of him. His body was turning into mush, making it harder to stay up on his two feet. With the last shreds of resolve still inside of him, he grabbed the other's wrist and pulled his hand away.

'' You're really trying to kill me, aren't you? '' His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath.

'' It doesn't take you much, huh? '' Jonghyun teased with a smug smile. '' Maybe it's cause you're getting old, '' he went on purposely.

That made Jinki react exactly the way he wanted. '' You're not going to be saying the same thing in a few minutes, '' he threw back, irritated. Without notice, he grabbed Jonghyun's wrist and dragged him almost too forcefully towards their bedroom.

As soon as they entered, Jinki slammed Jonghyun hard against a wall. The latter winced, but his momentary pain rapidly dulled when his lips crushed against soft, full lips again. It was an unceremonious dance of clashing teeth and battling tongues, but the crushing feelings of need and longing they both felt couldn't be helped in that moment. Jonghyun moaned loudly as Jinki moved away from his lips to sink his teeth into his neck. The hard bite went straight to his suffering cock, the fullness of it heightening all of the other senses in his body. He needed more. And he needed it now.

'' Jinki... '' Jonghyun called out as steadily as he could. It was a difficult deed since the other had started sucking the tender spot on the crook of his neck. Despite himself, his head dropped more to one side to give the other more skin to bruise. He wanted him to go on, but with every passing second, he had less and less patience left inside him. '' Jinki. '' This time his voice didn't fail him. He lightly pushed back his boyfriend before locking eyes with him. He didn't have to say one more word to get his point across. From what he could see in the other's eyes, he was done playing too.

Without breaking eye contact, Jinki tugged at the bottom of the smaller one's shirt, letting his fingers tickle his sides as he slowly pulled his shirt up. When the other's face disappeared behind the cotton fabric, Jinki's eyes relished the sight of his nicely toned torso. He unconsciously licked his lips, itching to let his hands roam all over the surface that was the perfect balance between soft and hard. The shirt dropped to the floor a second later. '' Take off the rest, '' Jinki ordered. He would've done the rest of the undressing himself, but something about watching Jonghyun strip for him turned him on even more.

The other obliged, loving the way Jinki's eyes lingered on his body. He let his pants slowly slide down first, keeping his stare on his lover to catch every change in his expression. Jonghyun noticed how the other tried to keep a straight face, but that only lasted until his briefs landed on top of the little pile of clothes he had formed at his right. He now stood in his naked glory, enjoying how just that was making his boyfriend suffer, but also fighting hard to keep his own composure. Jinki was devouring him with his eyes in an almost predator-like manner and he would be lying if he said that that stare only wasn't enough to send him over the edge. As a means of distraction, he walked over to their bed and sat at its end.

Jinki's gaze had followed his every move, watching how the smaller one's little ass lightly bounced with every step he took. He was almost too aroused to send orders to his body to move, but a few more seconds of staring had his basic instincts take over completely. He walked over to Jonghyun, towering over him as he stilled right between his legs. There were so many words he wanted to say to him to express how much he wanted and needed him, but he got lost in all that beauty facing him.

'' Goddammit, Jjong... '' he voiced half-frustrated, half-mesmerized.

Jonghyun felt his face heat up as embarrassment bloomed in him. He still couldn't help getting flustered when Jinki manifested such strong emotions towards him. It was never long effusions of words, but with only a few words or even just one look, Jonghyun could see how much he affected the other.

'' I love you, Jinki, '' he straight out said. In that moment, he just wanted to repeat those words over and over again, because no amount would ever be enough to fully express how he felt. But he wasn't given a chance to because he was suddenly pushed down against the mattress. He gasped as Jinki's weight pressed against his body. His overly neglected cock reacted instantly with a twitch.

A deep laugh rumbled in the other's chest. '' Should I take care of that? '' He left the other no time to answer as he slowly rolled his hips.

'' Aa-aah... shit... '' Jonghyun felt like hitting Jinki for that cruel move, but he had no strength left in him. He was now a weak prey. '' Baby, no more teasing please... '' he begged.

'' Hmmm... it doesn't take you much, huh? '' Jinki had been waiting to throw that back at him. He knew his boyfriend all too well. The latter had always been the most impatient of the two.

'' Fuck you. '' Jonghyun was getting irritated; the frown on his face made that very clear.

'' You wish. You're all mine tonight, baby, '' Jinki indicated possessively. He lowered his head, silently enjoying the almost quiet moan that had just left his boyfriend. A second later, he had his lips right where he wanted them to be. He gave Jonghyun's left nipple a few licks, loving how hard the dark nub already felt against his tongue.

'' Nng- '' Jonghyun chewed on his bottom lip again, not wanting to cry out just yet. Jinki knew how sensitive he was there so he never lost an opportunity to gave his nipples some attention. A few light bites followed the licking, before his teeth sunk in more sharply. Jonghyun couldn't help the cry that left him in that moment. '' Co-come on, Jinki... '' His protest was soon forgotten as tongue and teeth pursued their teasing on his right nipple. A violent shiver ran down his spine as Jinki hand travelled lower, caressing every parcel of skin along the way, until it reached just below his navel. His fingers ran along the area in a feather-like manner as his mouth still sucked a nipple. '' Jinki... '' Jonghyun's voice dragged shakily, unable to voice anything more.

Jinki laughed in amusement, his breath tickling the other's heated skin. '' I know, sweetie. '' He loved torturing his boyfriend, but he knew he didn't have much control left in him either. His dick was painfully throbbing inside its trap and he needed to release it asap. He moved away from Jonghyun and removed his clothes as fast as he could. There was no time for another sexy striptease. His naked body fell back in its dominating position, his eyes finding the other's gaze naturally. Not breaking eye contact, his hand moved down again, but this time he didn't beat around the bush. He closed his fingers around Jonghyun's cock in a tight grip.

The latter whimpered. His eyes fluttered as the hold became a controlled and firm caress. The tingling sensation in his stomach became stronger, an ominous sign of his demise. '' Stoo-op... ''

His heavy breathing and the desperation in his voice made his ordeal clear to his torturer. Jinki stopped moving his hand, but didn't let go just yet. He only did after sliding down Jonghyun's body. He was cruel, he knew it, but what was even more cruel was to leave that coat of pre-cum he was now facing unlicked. His tongue ran all over the pink crown of the other's dick, finishing off with a slow lick along its slit.

  
'' Aaa-aaah... '' Jonghyun cried out as his body shook even more. His fists grabbed tightly at the sheets under them as he simultaneously tried to grab on to any shred of resistance left inside him. He didn't want to give the other the satisfaction of being spent before he was even penetrated.

  
Fortunately, Jinki seemed to deem that his job down there was done for now. Their gazes crossed again and Jonghyun finally caught the impatience on the other's face. He was almost tempted to give him a dose of his own medicine, but he knew better than to try. Jinki had made it clear that he wanted him submissive, subservient. And in all honesty, he enjoyed playing that role more than he'd ever care to admit.

  
Jinki gave a tap on the sides of his thighs, the silent order indicating to him that he needed to bring his knees to his chest. He did just that and waited for the torture to go on. He had a love-hate relationship with the part that was about to follow. He loved how Jinki's fingers stretched his entrance, but he also hated having to wait more for the real deal. He knew it was necessary though; there was no way in hell Jinki's dick would fit in without preparation. The younger one inhaled sharply as a finger traced circles around his puckered hole. His breath then came out with a hissing sound when it suddenly entered him. Before he could even get used to the intrusion, Jinki retracted his hand.

'' Shit... the lube... '' he remembered. Through all their eagerness, neither of them had thought of that essential item. Jonghyun watched Jinki pull out the tube of lube from the drawer in their nightstand. Soon enough, the now lube-coated finger found its way back in, sliding in much more swiftly. Jonghyun writhed under him slightly, trying to make himself as comfortable as he could. His mind lost focus on what was happening inside him as Jinki claimed his lips again. The latter let out a moan of satisfaction as he kissed him softly. Jonghyun felt his body relax for a second, before two other fingers joined in. The tight ring of muscles around them clenched hard, preventing Jinki to go on with his impatient thrusts.

'' Come on, Jjong, relax... '' Jinki pressed as the hardness between his legs reached another height of painful.

Jonghyun closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. '' You can't blame me... '' he said when he felt more composed. '' It's been quite some time... ''

'' Well you've been the most busy so I guess I could blame you. ' The words had already left him before he could think them through. The older one instantly realized how much of a jerk that had made him sound like.

Jonghyun's eyes widened. '' Are you mad at me? '' he inquired.

'' No, Jjong.... '' Jinki slowly pulled back his fingers before giving another forceful thrust inside him. He relished the gasp that provoked. He lowered himself on the other to hover just a few inches from his face. ' I just missed you... '' he softly admitted against him.

Jonghyun looked away, a pang of guilt hitting his stomach. '' I'm sorry... ''

Jinki pressed his lips quickly to the other's forehead. '' Don't be... I'm sorry I said that, it's not your fault, '' he reassured before straightening up again.

He went on to give a few more lazy thrusts before he removed his fingers completely from the tight space. He wasn't sure he had done the best job at preparing his boyfriend for him, but he couldn't wait anymore. He needed Jonghyun to be his now. A second later, his hand was working up and down his own shaft to slick it with a generous amount of lube. Then came the fun part. He let the tip of his dick run along the crack of his boyfriend's ass, unable to stop himself from teasing. But then any more thought of stalling went out the window when the other pushed his cheeks apart to invite him in. Jinki watched as his hole clenched and unclenched. The thought of having that tightness squeezing his dick was enough to make him groan. '' Fuck... Jjong, I want you so bad... ''

'' I want you too, baby. Fuck me... '' Jonghyun said in the most lewd voice that had ever crossed his lips.

It was now Jinki's turn to oblige. Soon enough, he was pressing against his entrance, trying to break through the still tight ring of muscles that guarded his ass. They were both panting heavily by the time Jinki finally buried himself to the hilt. He paused there, not only to let Jonghyun get accustomed to his girth, but also to gather himself. Jonghyun had been squeezing his dick so tight as he pushed in that he had felt like he had been about to cum at any moment. He needed to show that he had more stamina than this. He needed to make his lover remember this night. Just when his breathing went back to normal again did he started moving inside him slowly, trying to drag out the pleasure of pulling out and pushing back in.

'' Uugh, Jinki... '' Jonghyun moaned as his eyes shut tight again. He fisted the sheets as the other pushed back in again, more roughly this time.

'' Jonghyun, look at me, '' Jinki ordered. When he got the other's attention, his hips snapped back and forth sharply, making the other's body shift slightly on the mattress. He kept on with that harsh, but incredibly satisfying rhythm until he was stilled by a loud cry underneath him. His eyes met Jonghyun's beautifully flushed face and slack jaw and it took him everything not to release right then and there.

'' Do that again... Right there... '' Jonghyun pleaded hoarsely.

Jinki blinked a few times, surprised. Jonghyun's voice always reached a higher pitch when he was aroused; never had he heard it dip so low. '' You mean... right here? '' he said as he punctuated his last words with a thrust towards the same spot he had hit previously.

He knew he had done good as a loud moan left Jonghyun's pink lips. He kept at it eagerly, fucking his boyfriend to oblivion. He, himself, was losing all composure with each passing thrust. He didn't even know what sounds were coming out of him anymore. Pleasure was pooling hot and low in his stomach, arousal wrenching itself tightly inside of him. That pool was going to overflow any second and he was now ready for it.

He had just enough presence of mind to give Jonghyun's dick some attention again, trying his best to work the same magic on him than inside of him. His caresses seemed to do the trick just fine. '' Aaa-ah... '' Jonghyun's hips jerked up as he came all over his hand. '' Jinki... '' He breathed as the last rope of cum spurted from him.

After witnessing such a sight, Jinki only needed one more thrust to finally tip over the edge. He stilled inside Jonghyun as he came hard, filling his hole with his warm and thick seed. He then dropped heavily on top of his boyfriend's body, his own sweaty skin sticking with his. Their chests heaved in unison as they tried to catch their breath.

'' You're heavy, '' Jonghyun whined as he playfully tried to push him away.

'' Tsk. '' Jinki moved back, but a hand instantly gripped his arm. '' No, not yet. '' Jonghyun pulled him back down before wrapping his arms around his neck. '' I like feeling like we are one, '' he went on as they locked eyes.

That oneness was currently a sweaty and sticky mess of limbs, but that's just what they had been craving. To be with each other fully, no barriers between them.

Jinki's lips stretched into a soft smile. '' I love you, Jonghyun. '' _More than you could ever imagine._

Jonghyun's heart rate instantly quickened. Those words would never get old. '' I love you too, Jinki. ''

They sealed those words with a kiss before Jonghyun finally decided to let go of his hold on Jinki. The latter immediately rolled out of the bed. Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow as he watched him leave the room. He couldn't help the feeling of worry that grew inside him. Fortunately, he had nothing to worry about.

Jinki came back in the matter of seconds with two moist towels. As soon as Jonghyun also had his in hand, they both cleaned themselves up as best as they possibly could. Then Jinki retrieved his rightful place by his side, turning his body towards his. '' So what about that bedtime story, huh? '' Jinki reminded with a frank laugh.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes, but still decided to play along. '' Okay, here it goes. Once upon a time there was a man who loved another man. So one day, that man confessed his feelings to the one he loved... And do you know what happened after that? ''

'' No, tell me,'' Jinki feigned for the purpose of their little game.

'' The other man confessed that he had been feeling that way too all along. They shared a kiss and from that day forward, they lived happily ever after. The end. ''

Jinki's lips curled into a pout. '' That's it? ''

'' Of course. I've told you the best love story I know. And it's a true one, might I add, '' Jonghyun deliberately pointed out.

'' It is a lovely story. I'm glad things worked out perfectly for them, '' Jinki acknowledged.

Jonghyun caressed the other's cheek on a sudden impulse. '' Yes, their love was stronger than anything. ''

Jinki smiled briefly. '' Thanks for the story. '' His tone was sincere. He appreciated all the efforts Jonghyun was deploying to make him feel at peace.

'' My pleasure, '' Jonghyun said with a smile of his own. '' We should get some sleep now, '' he indicated.

'' Yes, let's sleep. ''

The lights were turned off a second later, plunging them into darkness. Jinki wrapped an arm around Jonghyun's body right before closing his eyes. Negative thoughts immediately tried to fill his mind, but he pushed them away the best he could. He had the one he loved against him and right now that's all he wanted to care about.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonghyun's eyes slowly opened as a ray of sunlight landed on his face. He groaned from the suddenness of his return to the real world. He would've enjoyed a little more rest after having been so fatigued by his boyfriend, but at least now he could consciously cuddle with him some more. Jonghyun turned his body over, expecting to see Jinki's face, but there was no Jinki there. A pang of panic hit him in the stomach. _He's probably making breakfast or something_, he instantly reasoned to calm his nerves. Still, his state of acute alertness had him on his feet in a second and out of their bedroom by the next.

  
The apartment was alarmingly silent. '' Jinki '', he cried out as he walked into the kitchen. No answer. Jonghyun went through all the rooms nonetheless, even looking in the closets and cupboards for extra safety.  
  
_Dammit, Jinki... _Jonghyun went back to their bedroom and picked up his phone on the dresser. When he unlocked the screen, a little envelope appeared at the top. He clicked on it without further thought, feeling his heart thrum in his chest with anticipation.

  
'' _Jonghyun..._ '' the text message started. '' _One of my clients needed to see me for an emergency. I'll be back in a few days. Please don't worry. I love you._ ''

  
'' Ugh '', Jonghyun groaned in anger as his knuckles turned white from squeezing his phone too hard. That was the worst lie the other could've come up with; the timing was just too convenient. Jonghyun was tempted to throw his phone against a wall, but instead, he forced himself to take a few deep breaths. He wasn't going to let Jinki get off so easily.

  
He looked at his phone again and started typing. '' _Jinki, I'm not stupid. Come back right now._ ''  
  
He sent it immediately and tensely waited for an answer. Each passing minute felt like an hour, so by the time ten minutes had gone by, Jonghyun felt like he had been waiting a whole day. _Maybe I need to make myself more clear. _He typed again.

  
'' _If you're not home by tonight, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive you._ '' He stared at his screen a few seconds before hitting the send button this time. He knew his ultimatum was harsh, but he would be damned if he ever let Jinki slip through his fingers again. He finally sent it, uneasiness coiling in his stomach as he thought about what could follow.

  
But what followed was even worse than what he'd expected. Nothing happened. Jonghyun went about his day as best as he could, struggling with battling emotions of worry and anger. He couldn't believe Jinki had run away again and had lied to him about why he had left.

  
Towards the end of the day, Jonghyun finally allowed himself a good cry on their bed. The sun had now disappeared and Jinki still hadn't come home.


	5. Wait. [Flashback Part III]

_‘’ If you’re not home by tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive you. ‘’ _That was the first thing Jinki chose to see whenever his eyes would open after an absence of consciousness. He hadn’t had great sleeps at all these last few days, but tiredness always claimed him at some point, whether he had drunk 5 cups of coffee that day or 13. So whenever he’d get back to himself, he felt like he had to confirm that this wasn’t just some extended dream, that this was the reality he had chosen for himself, and for Jjong. A sigh left his dry lips like always as he kept staring at the screen of his phone. He had been tempted many times to answer him, to tell him that he would be back, in time, but he hadn’t found it in himself to send out those words. He had felt like he had sealed their fate with his departure as he had once done before. And he had to be okay with that. Every day, he mentally prepared himself for the next time he’d lay eyes on the one he loved. His pretty hazel eyes would surely be full of anger, sadness and disappointment, and that was probably the last look he would get from him before they never saw each other again. Did he want that? No. But he was prepared for that. Every time he thought of rushing back to him, to hold him, to beg for his forgiveness, a bucket of ice cold water was thrown in his face; the scowl adorning Kibum’s face reappeared and he was rendered still, full of guilt and full of grief for both the relationship he had had with his brother and for the one he had had with the one he loved beyond words. 

Jinki didn’t feel brave for sacrificing his love. He had no merit for doing the least he could do to lessen some of the harm he had caused. He had thought the wound could’ve closed and that healing could’ve started with time, but obviously, Kibum wasn’t near that process yet, and probably would never be. But again, it was all too easy to blame his brother for all of this. The truth of the matter was that he didn’t know if he could close that wound either. He had been betrayed so much in the past that he had sworn he’d never hurt anyone like that, but life had screwed him over. He was now the man holding the killing knife. He could still smell fresh blood on it which only made him feel worse. He finally let his phone drop to his side, letting his gaze lock on the whiteness of the hotel’s room ceiling. For a moment there, he didn’t think about anything, but soon enough, the white became the background to many scenes. He tried to shut them off by closing his eyes, but that made their vividness even worse. There was Kibum and Jonghyun again, good memories and bad memories intertwining to form a heavy mess in his mind. He was already feeling weary and he hadn’t even gotten out of the bed yet. That certainly wasn’t going to help him face the workload he had been putting off ever since he had left. Every time he had tried to sit and do some stock analysis, his mind had turned into mush. He had no brain space for any of it. His mind was too full of feelings.

He had always been the guy with too many emotions, the guy who was always too engulfed by them. They gnawed at his strength all the time, leaving him feeling a little more weak each day. They were his kryptonite and the only effective way he had found to counteract their effect was to write. His unpublished books were the keeper of so many emotional struggles, of a darkness within that he had never been able to get rid of. They were a testimony of how much he had gone through and a mean to his sanity. His words had a healing power that he had always been grateful for. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to do any good now. There was only one other thing that could work for him in that moment, but he was still too scared to step out into the world to go find it. He had come to this town for a reason. He had come to find someone he hadn’t sought out since his teenage years. He had traded a fear for another, hoping that by making a little hop into the past, his present would become clearer. He still hadn’t made the move though. For the past week, he had trapped himself between those four walls, only coming out once in a while to keep some life in his legs by taking a little walk in the corridor. But that blood circulating in his muscles hadn’t given him the impulse to take that walk further; to take that walk to the outside world. Room service had become his most valued ally, but he now recognized that his cowardice was starting to get old. His running away had to at least be for something.

_Stop thinking. _The words rang so loudly in his head that they seemed to write themselves against the white of the ceiling he was staring at. He didn’t react to his own order instantly, but slowly, his body started to get back into motion. Soon enough, he was sitting on the edge of his bed, both feet settled on the matted floor. He pushed himself up swiftly before rubbing his face with dead cold palms. He felt like a wooden puppet, every movement stiff and awkward. He still managed to make it past his bedroom doorframe to get to the coffee machine. He looked at it fondly, grateful for the fact that it was always faithfully waiting for him on the kitchen counter. He still felt a pang of remorse for not being able to stick to his coffee-free lifestyle, but that feeling completely vanished when he took his first sip. The bitterness of the hot beverage danced over his taste buds, leaving him feeling much more alive than a few seconds before. With that sudden burst of energy, he decided he didn’t want to linger around the hotel room any longer. He was going to seize the moment and go out to face what he had planned for himself all along. Downing the rest of his cup, he closed his eyes and let his mind blank. When he opened his eyes again, he made himself a promise. Once he stepped out of this room, he wouldn’t come back. He felt his heart flutter inside his chest, all of the anxiety he had tried to keep at bay suddenly rushing through his nervous system. He was scared beyond words, but one way or the other, he had to face some of his fears.

With that mindset, he gathered all the stuff he had brought with him and stuffed them back into the duffle bag they had been in to start with. Fortunately, he had travelled light. Half an hour later, he was finally ready to step out. He hadn’t bothered to make himself look good or anything. He was willing to do with the dark circles under his eyes, his untamed hair and his stubble if that meant that he could get to the core of his trip as soon as possible. One step at a time, he managed to make it to the other end of the corridor, bringing himself right in front of the elevator. A press of a button later, he went down to the first level and walked right up to the reception desk. He checked out as easily as he had checked in, leaving him free to pursue his previously avoided endeavours.

_Is she even still there? _He thought as he took his first step outside the hotel. A gush of wind hit his face, making him recoil brusquely. He was already tempted to go back inside to shelter himself from life, but he resisted the urge. There was no going back, only forward. _Towards the past, _he realized as he looked around him. The world was buzzing with people going this and that way, all too wrapped up in their own worlds to realize he was just standing there. All this commotion was making him feel dizzy. He closed his eyes again, trying to get back to that blank state he had previously experienced. But it didn’t work this time, all he saw behind his lids was the image of his boyfriend. _Jonghyun, _he thought as his chest suddenly felt heavy. He was hit with the realization that his whole plan was ridiculous, that he never should’ve acted on a whim that night and left his lover. But at the same time, he felt like there had been no other choice. And now that he was here, he knew he had to go through with what he had come looking for. He felt like there was some missing piece to be found in that place.

He looked to his left than to his right, trying to decide which way to go. He quickly realized he hadn’t really prepared logistically for this. This wasn’t an area he knew well so he had no point of reference to get him going. He instantly thought of calling a cab to get rid of all the complications, but for some strange reason, he felt like that would be cheating. _I’m no cheater, _he silently said as if someone had just accused him of such. He would always go the distance, even if that meant that he lost part of himself along the way. So after getting out his phone and making use of Google Maps, he started walking. Even though he knew his legs would cramp up soon, his mind needed the hour-long walk to help him sort some things out. Indeed with every mile he added to his mileage, he got more and more wrapped up in his memories. It was like he was watching a movie of his own life, but backwards. It started with the most recent events and from there, his mind went through every past relationship he had had until it reached the first. He felt a pressure in his chest that brought him back to the feeling of pain in his legs. He stopped for a few seconds to catch his breath. He then realized how humid the air was, leaving him sweaty under his coat. A quick look at his phone told him that he only had a few more minutes to go. His eyes widened at that fact and he looked up again. He tried to connect the present moment to his past memories, but he felt no familiarity from the surroundings. He had been fortunate enough to keep her address all those years in one of his notebooks, but now he feared he might’ve kept the wrong one.

In face of his incertitude, he still went on and finally reached his destination three minutes later. Only when he stopped in front of the house where the number matched with the street did the dots finally connect. He had made no mistake. The place hadn’t changed a bit. A faint smile stretched his dry lips before he was seized by panic. Once again, he was realizing that his plan was stupid. He was showing up at her house after last seeing her 10 years ago, expecting her to help him as if it were any ordinary day. He had never thought of himself as entitled, but in this moment, he pretty much felt like he was acting the part. The thought of turning around and making his way back to the hotel was the first thing to follow, but he wasn’t left any more time to doubt his quest any further. The front door opened slowly, creaking as every inch it made back seemed to drag out the suspense. When Jinki finally saw the human being behind the door, his mouth dropped open. There she was, almost unchanged, expect for a few wrinkles at the corner of her eyes and mouth. She was smiling widely, her teeth white as milk. Her jet-black hair was pulled back as always in a low ponytail, giving full display to her round face. The only thing that seemed out of place was her attire. Instead of the formal suit she had always worn when he’d seen her, she was now wearing a striped t-shirt and some black leggings. Without a word, she gestured for him to come inside before disappearing once again behind the front door.

Jinki stayed stuck in his daze for a few seconds before he finally got himself to move again. He slowly climbed the stairs and entered through the space made for him. He was now right in front of her and his heart instantly started beating at an alarmingly fast rate. She smiled at him again before closing the door.

Jinki cleared his throat as their eyes met once more. ‘’ Um... I guess you remember me... ‘’ he voiced awkwardly.

That caused her to laugh openly. She quickly put a hand in front of her mouth to conceal her outburst. It was her turn to clear her throat afterwards. ‘’ How could I not remember you? ‘’ she said in a slightly reprimanding tone.

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck, nervous. ‘’ I don’t know... You’ve seen so many people... ‘’

‘’ Yes, that is correct, ‘’ she promptly acknowledged. ‘’ And I remember every single one of them. Especially those I’ve seen over a long period of time, ‘’ she then added with a fond smile.

Jinki tried to give her a genuine smile, but the corners of his mouth weren’t cooperating. He was already exhausted from having walked and thought for so long.

‘’ Oh you seem like you have a lot on your mind, ‘’ she instantly caught on. A second later, she was extending both hands.

Jinki thought it was cute, but he was confused. ‘’ You want me to pay you now? ‘’ he asked, uneasy.

She hit his arm hard to show she had taken offense. ‘’ No, you fool. Give me your bag, ‘’ she said as her expression hardened.

Jinki felt heat rush to his cheeks as he was filled with embarrassment. ‘’ I’m sorry … I... I didn’t mean... ‘’

‘’ Stop talking, ‘’ she immediately interjected. ‘’ Keep your breath for what really matters, ‘’ she said with the wisdom that had always been so characteristic of her.

Jinki felt a little more settled by the sudden change in her tone, but he still felt like the biggest imbecile who had graced this earth.

He watched her turn on her heels and start walking down the small hallway. Jinki didn’t know what to do. He gave a quick look to the living room on his left, before he finally decided to follow her. He cautiously poked his head through two doors before he finally found her in the kitchen. Things hadn’t changed much around the house he noticed; she still only kept the bare minimum, which made the rooms look more spacious than they actually were. Jinki was grateful for that. He needed space.

‘’ I’m going to make you some tea, ‘’ she said with a warm smile as he stared at her.

Jinki nodded, not knowing what to say in that moment. He wiped his now sweaty hands on his jeans and took a few steps closer.

‘’ Would you like something to eat before we start? ‘’ she went on as she turned around to place her kettle on the stove.

Jinki looked down at his stomach as if it would answer for him. He only got silence. It wasn’t a surprise considering he hadn’t really eaten any real food since he had left their apartment. His stomach was probably going to keep on with its strike until he learned to treat it right.

‘’ No. I’ll be just fine with tea, ‘’ he answered with the most convincing smile he could muster.

She didn’t buy it. ‘’ I won’t insist, but you better get food inside your tummy, young man. ‘’

Jinki wanted to laugh at her cute scolding tone, but he managed to keep it in. ‘’ I will, ‘’ he reassured, the corner of his lips curling up on their own to give her a real smile this time.

‘’ Good. ‘’ She went on to take out two cups and a tray from a cupboard, before pulling out two tea bags from a box that had been resting on the counter. She ceremoniously made them sit at the bottom of the cups and turned back again to face the kettle.

Jinki just watched in silence. He searched for words, but none came to his mind. So he just waited, nervously anticipating the moment when she would ask him to bare it all. The water in the kettle soon came to a boil and her face came into view again. She placed the cups on the tray and then poured the water into them. The sound it made helped Jinki feel a little more at ease.

‘’ Do you want me to bring that to the living room? ‘’ he asked as she put the kettle back on the now turned off stove.

‘’ That’d be nice, yeah, ‘’ she answered with a smile. ‘’ I’ll go take out what I need in the meantime, ‘’ she then indicated.

Jinki gulped down the lump of nervousness that had immediately formed again in his throat as he watched her leave the room and disappear into another one. _Focus, _he told himself as he looked back to the kitchen counter. He walked towards it and picked up the tray in the slowest manner, knowing his current state would probably make him more clumsy than usual. Every step he took after that was careful, fearful. By the time he actually put the tray down on the center table, beads of sweat had started gathering on his forehead. He wiped them away with the back of his hand and took a few deep breaths. He then sat on one of the cushions facing the table and crossed his legs, still anticipating. _You wanted this, _he reminded himself.

The sound of footsteps approaching made his heart rate quicken instantly. _This is it. _Jinki closed his eyes. When he opened them again, there she was, seated on the cushion at the other side of the table, a notepad and a pen in hand. Jinki felt his mouth go completely dry.

‘’ You know me. I don’t like beating around the bush…’’ the older woman started. ‘’ So, I’m just going to go right on with my first question ‘’, she continued.

‘’ What’s his name? ‘’

The question fell hard between them, hovering over the cups of tea.

Jinki winced as the name rang loudly in his mind. It hit the inside of his skull repeatedly, trying to find its way out. But he managed to keep it in. 

‘’ His name is not important, ‘’ he answered in a manner that wouldn’t make him seem rude.

The one facing him let out a little laugh. ‘’ You did the same thing last time… ‘’ she pointed out.

Jinki’s left brow rose in confusion. ‘’ What? ‘’

She gave him a thin smile. ‘’ You didn’t want to share any information about Gunho either. ‘’

Jinki winced again. He hadn’t been ready to hear that name. Not so soon into the conversation. He lowered his head in shame. Memories of his time spent here simultaneously came back to him. He suddenly saw himself again, sullen and completely shut off from everything. Even from her. It had indeed taken a few weeks before he had been able to voice his lover’s name in a session. He was hit with sadness as he saw the younger version of himself break down in that moment. That period of his life had been so painful, probably the most painful, and it was almost too much to be confronted with it again.

‘’ We don’t need to talk about him, ‘’ she reassured as she caught sight of his pain.

‘’ I… ‘’ Jinki took another deep breath. Too many memories had risen up at once; his past and present forming a jumbled mess. He tried to get through the overwhelming sensation by fixing his gaze on of the fumes rising from the cups of tea.

‘’ Maybe we do… ‘’ he finally said, his head still lowered. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t want to cut out such an important part of his life. He needed to make sense of it all.

‘’ Okay, ‘’ she acknowledged in a gentle tone. ‘’ But first, I need to know his name, ‘’ she reiterated in the same tone.

Jinki stayed silent, but nodded to show he had heard her words. He lifted his head up, finally gathering the courage to look her in the eyes.

‘’ Jonghyun ‘’.

The name felt heavy on his tongue, awkward in his mouth. It felt like a relic of his past, something he had just dug up after having hidden it for a long time.

It was now her turn to nod. ‘’ And how do you feel about him? ‘’

Jinki’s eyes widened for a split second, his mouth dropping open before he shut it. Another question he hadn’t been ready for. Yet, the answer to it should’ve been easy; he should’ve instantly been able to say how much he loved his boyfriend, how much he meant to him. But that would’ve only been easy if there wasn’t anything wrong with this love to start with. He couldn’t say that he loved him because then the question that would follow would be _‘’ So what’s the problem? ‘’ _and then he would have to reveal his sin. Jinki didn’t know if he was ready for that.

But he did have to say something; she hadn’t stopped looking at him one second. ‘’ I…’’ He stopped. _I can’t do this. _‘’ I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have bothered you… this is stupid…’’ he rambled as he rubbed the back of his neck.

‘’ You’re deflecting, ‘’ she straight out noted as she put down her notepad and pen. She grabbed one of the cups of tea and took a sip.

Jinki felt even more shame at that. _You’re a real coward, huh?_ he told himself as all his self-loathing weighed in his chest.

‘’ I know… it’s just really hard to talk about … ‘’ he finally admitted as he hugged himself unknowingly.

She put down her cup of tea. ‘’ Remember what I used to tell you? ‘’ she asked him in reply.

Jinki searched through his thoughts for a few seconds before finding the answer. ‘’ Yes. You used to say _If something is hard to talk about, it means it needs to be talked about _‘’_, _he recalled at once. Even though he wished it didn’t apply in the present case, he knew it to still be true.

‘’ You didn’t come here just to say hi, you came here because you needed help thinking things through and I can help you with that, but you need to be open with me, ‘’ she outlined frankly but gently.

Once again, Jinki nodded to show that the words made sense to him.

‘’ So… ‘’ she started slowly, ‘’ How do you feel about him? ‘’ she repeated.

Jinki sighed instantly. ‘’ I feel… I feel so much for him… That’s the problem… ‘’ he quietly admitted.

‘’ Why is that a problem? ‘’ she logically asked next, her notepad and pen having found their way back into her hands.

‘’ Because… ‘’ _Tell her, Jinki, come on. _The words made their way down to his mouth, but died at the tip of his tongue. He looked at the untouched cup of tea again and went to grab it, thinking it might settle his nerves a little, but he couldn’t; his hand was shaking too much. Another sigh, of frustration this time, left his lips.

‘’ Is he… is he still alive? ‘’ she carefully asked, for once showing through her hesitation a sign of discomfort.

Jinki felt like he had just been engulfed by a wave of water, his lungs burning because of a sudden lack of air. ‘’ Yes, ‘’ he coughed out through the pain that squeezed his chest.

Her shoulders relaxed at the sound of that word. ‘’ Okay. That’s good. ‘’

Jinki was still trying to catch his breath, his eyes wide with fear and his thoughts filled with gloom. He finally managed to grab his cup of tea and take a sip. The hot liquid flowed down his throat and made it to his stomach, its voyage inside him calming the tsunami that had just menaced to drown him. ‘’ That can never happen… I can’t… I couldn’t… ‘’ He stopped, feeling himself on the brink of hyperventilation. He took another sip of tea and closed his eyes. The thought of Jonghyun leaving this earth was too much to bear. He had gone through this pain once before and he never wanted to go through that again.

‘’ Jinki… breathe, ‘’ the one facing him reminded.

Jinki did just that, feeling his breathing even out after a few long seconds. He opened his eyes once more.

‘’ We’re not facing a worst-case scenario then, ‘’ she stated when her eyes fell into his.

Jinki wanted to agree, but he didn’t feel like this current situation was easier. ‘’ I thought nothing could be worse than losing someone… ‘’ He paused. ‘’ Forever… ‘’ he went on, the word hiding under his breath, ‘’ But I think this might be… this might be as painful… maybe… ‘’ Jinki’s head fell forward once more. He felt his chest squeeze again in pain as an image of Gunho flashed in his mind. The sight of his innocent but handsome face reminded him all at once of all he had felt for the young man. In that moment, he suddenly felt like he had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. Nothing could be worse than having the one you loved put an end to their life.

_Jonghyun, _he silently cried out.

He was brought back to reality by the voice of his therapist. 

‘’ What is making it so painful? ‘’ she asked, not losing sight of the goal of their conversation.

‘’ He… He… ‘’ Jinki suddenly felt extremely tired. He felt tired of fighting against himself. ‘’ He was my brother’s boyfriend, ‘’ he finally shared. As soon as the last word left him, he felt like a boneless corpse, his whole body slumping forward. He tried to read any sign of surprise or disgust on her face, but he got none of that.

She just kept looking at him. ‘’ And now? ‘’

Jinki was confused by the question at first, but he quickly caught its meaning. ‘’ And now, we’re together, ‘’ he managed to voice. It felt like the hardest part was over; he had broken down the barrier holding in his secrets, making it much easier now to be honest.

‘’ Okay. And? ‘’ she pushed on.

Jinki was surprised by her nonchalance. He thought his confession would’ve given her lots to ponder on.

‘’ And that’s bad, ‘’ he pointed out categorically, naming what he felt like was the obvious.

‘’ Because? ‘’ she simply threw back at him.

Jinki frowned. He was getting slightly annoyed. _Isn’t it clear? _‘’ Because I did the one thing I promised I’d never do. I ruined another person’s life, I ruined my brother’s life, ‘’ he answered anyways. His throat tightened with guilt as the realization hit him once again.

The older woman sighed. ‘’ I wish you hadn’t kept carrying that burden, Jinki. You didn’t ruin Gunho’s life, ‘’ she firmly stated, punctuating each word with a slight pause.

Jinki looked away. He had tried to believe that, but the guilt had lingered nonetheless. The only way he had found out of it had been to hold on to the promise of cherishing every person he would be with even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness. He had never wanted to fail anyone like he had failed his first love.

‘’ I know you feel like you didn’t show him enough love, that things could’ve been different if you could’ve just done more for him, but Jinki, as I told you before, you can’t fix other people. I think you actually gave him the strength to hold out for so long, but in the end, it was his choice, you had no responsibility in what he did, ‘’ she laid out to bring back some nuance into his rigid beliefs.

Jinki remained silent, hearing her words, but still unsure.

‘’ And you haven’t ruined your brother’s life. I’m sure he must be hurt, but he will get over it. He will move on, ‘’ she said as convincingly as she could.

Jinki didn’t buy it. ‘’ But I did ruin his life, I did ruin his happiness. I…. ‘’ His bottom lip trembled; he immediately bit down on it.

‘’ Jinki… ‘’ She extended a hand to grab his. When she took hold of it, she squeezed it. Back then, she would’ve never been so familiar, but this was a different time. ‘’ So all those years you’ve been trying to put everyone else’s happiness before your own… ‘’ she realized with sadness.

Jinki felt something click inside of him. That was exactly what he had done. That had been the only way he had found to go on with his life, to find purpose in it. To redeem himself for his biggest sin. _I’m so sorry… _The tears started running down his face like streams, rendering him blind.

He jumped slightly as he felt arms wrap themselves tightly around him. He let go of any pride he had left inside of him and let himself cry against the woman who had helped him get through his darkest hours.

‘’ And what about your happiness, Jinki? ‘’ she whispered against him.

Jinki couldn’t see anything, but he heard her words. 

_My happiness?_

***

Jonghyun’s lips stretched into a thin smile. It was probably his first smile in weeks. He looked around the tiny room he had grown so fond of, happy everything was still in its right place. He let himself fall slowly into the rolling chair before bringing himself close to the mic. After checking that all his equipment was in place, he switched on his gear and his laptop. He had sent a message on the program’s website to let his listeners know that he’d be on the air this evening. He’d been surprised by how many messages had been left in his inbox during his absence, messages telling him that they missed hearing his voice on the air, that they missed hearing his advice. He hadn’t planned anything for this particular program; he just felt like having some company. As soon as he logged on to the website, he found tons of other messages waiting for him. He went straight through some of them. He felt his heart get heavy as he saw that they were mostly asking for relationship advice. _I’m in no position to give advice on that. _

It wasn’t his first time getting these types of questions, but they usually were light-hearted questions like _‘’ What should I get my girlfriend for White Day? ‘’ _or _‘’ How do I confess to someone I love? ‘’. _The few he had just read were seeking advice on how to deal with a break up or how to resolve a conflict. He didn’t want to ignore them, but he also didn’t want to say anything that would sound false. He didn’t want to act like he knew what he was talking about when he had been struggling with those same questions himself. There hadn’t been a conscious moment during which he hadn’t thought of his relationship with Jinki. He had thought of every possibility: him leaving their apartment, him forgiving him, him breaking up with him, him giving him the cold shoulder. In the end, he hadn’t settled for any of those options. He simply didn’t know what to do. All he knew was how he felt; lonely, sad, abandoned. He wanted to see him, but he didn’t know what could come out of that. He was tired of feeling like he had no control. He was tired of feeling like Jinki was always making decisions for them both and leaving him to deal with the consequences. He had thought their relationship had become stronger than that, but obviously he had been wrong. Part of him understood the other’s struggle, but the other part was mad the latter didn’t seem to understand how much he was hurting him. He had tried to keep himself in check and not fall off the wagon again, but it was getting harder and harder. Each passing day had him adding a glass of rum to his routine and soon enough there wouldn’t be enough waking hours to drink.

Fortunately, he had managed to lay off the booze for his broadcast, but he could feel his body and mind aching for it. _Keep it together, Jjong. _Those words of encouragement were enough of a push to finally get him on the air. He went through his usual intro, the words coming out of him fluidly, as if he had never skipped a program. The little jingle his friend had composed for him played right after, giving him a 30 second break to figure out what he would say next. He quickly went through the questions again, his eyes catching one he hadn’t seen yet. He felt his heart swell, but caught himself just in time to enable the chat room he always made available whenever he was on. And then the song reached its end.

He closed his eyes and immediately started speaking. ‘’ Okay, so as I wrote you all earlier, this is a freestyle broadcast so I’m just going to go through some of your questions, share some thoughts and yeah… please be indulgent with me…, ‘’ he asked with a gentle laugh. ‘’ I’ll do my best. ‘’

His eyes opened and set again on the question he had picked. ‘’ I know many of you have left relationship questions in my inbox, but there is one I wanted to address first. This is the kind of subject that is close to my heart and I think it’s important for me to talk about it, ‘’ he explained in the gentle tone he always used to reel in his listeners.

He let out a soft laugh again. ‘’ Aaah… I’m glad to see many of you are logging into the chat room right now… ‘’ He read through a few messages welcoming him back and sending him love. ‘’ Aish, you guys are too nice, really… I’m glad to be back too and I’m sorry for taking a little break, ‘’ he told all his invisible friends.

‘’ Let’s start answering some questions, shall we? ‘’ he said as he looked away from the chat room to look back to his inbox.

‘’ So this one comes from a listener who wishes to remain anonymous. This person asks: _How can I deal with being different than everyone else? I’m in uni right now so it’s easier to keep to myself, but I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong anywhere, that no one can understand me… And I’ve felt this way ever since I started school… Do you have any advice, JjongD? ‘’ _Jjong smiled at the title he had grown so fond of as he finished reading.

‘’ Hmmm… that is a very interesting question… and like I said, it speaks to me, so I’ll try my best to give you an answer that brings you comfort… ‘’ He gave a quick look to the chat room. ‘’ I see some listeners also can relate… ‘’ he voiced with a nod.

‘’ I think a lot of people in our society might feel different, odd… but few can speak out about those feelings, because then they might face the reality of not being understood, of being shamed for those feelings… ‘’ Jonghyun paused, having sudden images of his own childhood flashing in his mind. ‘’ So what do we do? We keep it all in, we try to be _normal, _whatever that means, and go on with our lives, but those feelings catch up with us no matter what we do and so, we are forced to face them. ‘’

‘’ It took me some time, but I realized something…. ‘’ He went on smoothly. ‘’ I realized _Different doesn’t mean wrong. _I believed for so long that I had to change who I was, that no one would accept me for who I really was, but fortunately, I had a friend who did accept me as I was. I am very grateful I had someone like that, but I know lots of you don’t. So, I want to be this friend that tells you to be who you are and to not be apologetic about it. You don’t have to lay it all out to the world, but just be honest with yourself first. And I’m sure in time you’ll find someone who you can connect with, ‘’ he finished with a feeling of satisfaction.

He wasn’t sure how comforting that was to the person who had asked that question, but he sure did feel better thinking about the luck he had had. His best friend’s face appeared in his mind and he couldn’t help but smile. His eyes then went straight back to the chat room. He laughed again.

‘’ _JJongD,_’’ he started reading out loud as he caught one listener’s comment. _‘’ You sound pretty normal to me, what makes you so different? ‘’ _

_I’m gay._ ‘’ Aaah…’’ Jonghyun let out in fake annoyance. ‘’ Aigoo…you caught me, ‘’ he went on theatrically, closing his eyes as the words left him.

‘’ I didn’t think this time would come so soon, but… I guess you guys deserve to know the complete truth, ‘’ he told them with the most serious tone he could manage.

‘’ I… ‘’ Jonghyun inhaled deeply into the microphone. ‘’ I… I’m a werewolf, ‘’ he deadpanned. He let silence follow his words as his eyes went back to the chat room. He bit his lip to avoid betraying his act.

‘’ Why don’t you guys believe me? ‘’ he comically raged. A hint of laughter sparked through his words, leaving him to laugh openly after a few seconds.

‘’ Believe what you want, Jjongwolf is very real, ‘’ he finally stated with a smile.

_‘’You sound more like a puppy than a wolf to be honest’_’_, _he then read on the screen.

He shook his head as his smile grew wider. He had missed this. He felt good being here.

“ Okay, you little rascals, let’s move on from making fun of me, and go on with the other questions. ‘’

That transition led him to answer a few more questions for another hour, inevitably having to address some on relationships, but purposely ignoring the one about how to break up.

_I hope I never become an expert on the subject, _he thought as he finally went off the air. He gathered all of his things and finally stepped out, shivering as cold air instantly hit his face. He started walking fast, eager to get back home and get some rum inside him. At least tonight, he could tell himself he had earned that pleasure. Ten minutes later, his keys were in his right hand and he was opening the door to the apartment. A sigh of relief left his lips as he closed it behind him and felt the warmth of the place embrace him.

And then he screamed, his eyes wide with surprise. ‘’ What the fuck? ‘’ He blurted as he saw his boyfriend sitting on the living room’s couch.

‘’ Hey… b- ‘’ Jinki caught himself right in time before the affectionate name left his mouth. He didn’t have the right to use that word right now. As he fiddled with that thought and his growing unease, he kept his gaze straight on the one facing him. He noticed how much more gaunt he looked in the face, but was simultaneously hit by how beautiful he still was. A stab of worry and longing twisted in his gut. He had missed him so much. He swallowed hard against his painfully dry throat. ‘’ I… ‘’

Jonghyun held up a hand to stop him from going on further. ‘’ Wait. ‘’ He didn’t waste a second more and immediately walked to the kitchen where he retrieved his half empty bottle of rum and a glass. He definitely needed to drink now. There was no way he could handle the conversation to come completely sober. He made his way back to the living room and sat in the armchair facing the couch.

They were now at eye level, both of them on either side of the center table they had never really made good use of before. Jonghyun lowered his gaze to the glass he had set on the table, pouring some of his golden remedy into it. With an exaggerated focus, he then took the glass in his hand, gently swirled the liquid inside it and took a sip. His mind and body relaxed at once, the sensation almost managing to make him forget for a little moment that he wasn’t alone.

But the sound of the other’s voice put a definite end to that. ‘’ Were you at school? ‘’ The question came out casual, light, the exact opposite of what this moment really was.

Jonghyun nodded despite himself. ‘’ Kind of… had one of my broadcasts… ‘’ he shared in the same tone. A voice inside of him was telling him to get angry, to show resistance, but another voice was telling him not to, to just surrender to the familiarity of their relationship.

‘’ Oh… that’s good… ‘’ Jinki acknowledged with a small smile. He really was happy that Jonghyun had kept up with his activities, but the small talk act was already getting tiresome.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’ he started more seriously.

JJong held up his hand again. ‘’ Wait, ‘’ he repeated. His gaze bore into his boyfriend’s, his eyes pleading. He needed that sliver of peace before the storm came. 

Jinki slowly shook his head up and down, accepting to keep silent for a while longer. He watched his boyfriend drink and suddenly wished he had his own glass. When Jonghyun finally set his eyes on him again, he felt like his heart was being squeezed in a tight grip. A plethora of emotions was glowing in those insistent hazel eyes, one in particular pushing his body into an acute state of alertness.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’ His voice came out weak, feeble. He gave himself a mental kick. Of all the things he had been expecting, the reaction he was being faced with wasn’t one of them.

‘’ We need… to… talk… ‘’ he struggled to voice as he watched the other walk over to his side. Before another word could cross his lips, the younger one had already settled into his lap, straddling him.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’ he groaned against his exposed neck. _Don’t… _The word lost itself in the pool of love and lust that was pouring out of him through every pore. His arms wrapped tightly around the other’s little waist, pulling him in even closer. He held in a grunting sound, closing his eyes and burying his face into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck to prolong the distraction.

Jonghyun embraced him right back, bringing a hand to the back of his neck, and kissing him against the softness of his hair. ‘’ Jinki… ‘’ He closed his eyes too, joining the other into the darkness that could shield them from the painful reality. He let himself enjoy the warmth and sturdiness of the body against him, the comforting rhythm of the breath hitting the crook of his neck every second, the stillness and simplicity of the moment. 

He almost whined when he felt Jinki pull back, but he had to let him move at some point. Plus, he still had the advantage of being in a dominating position.

‘’ Jjong, ‘’ Jinki tried again as their eyes met once more. ‘’ We really need to talk, ‘’ he said against his will of the moment.

Jonghyun sighed. ‘’ Jinki… I don’t want to fight… not tonight… ‘’ _You’re finally back. _

‘’ We… don’t have to fight, ‘’ Jinki carefully voiced as the anticipation of the exact opposite lingered at the back of his mind.

‘’ We can talk tomorrow… ‘’ Jonghyun reiterated as he traced circles with his thumb on the back of the other’s neck. ‘’ Believe me, I’ve not forgotten that I’m mad at you, but I just… ‘’ Jonghyun pressed his forehead against his. ‘’ I just need you tonight… ‘’

Jinki closed his eyes again, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as his whole body tensed up. _Shit. _

‘’ I missed you so much… ‘’ Jonghyun plaintively voiced before he placed feather-like kisses all over his boyfriend’s face. He wanted to feel ashamed for his lack of pride, but he was beyond that in that moment. All that mattered was that Jinki was with him again.

‘’ I missed you too, Jjong… so much, ‘’ Jinki replied as he tried to break free from the grips of temptation.

‘’ But we need to talk now, ‘’ he said, tone serious. ‘’ Or it’ll just get harder… ‘’ His gaze shied away from the other’s as a wave of guilt and dread engulfed him.

A frown formed on the younger one’s face. ‘’ What will get harder? ‘’ he slowly asked as his chest tightened with fear.

Jinki looked back up. ‘’ Jjong… I can’t talk to you like this, ‘’ he realized. With the other pressing against him like that, he wasn’t sure he could get out what he needed to say in a coherent fashion.

‘’ If you are going to break up with me, I’m not going to make it any easier for you, ‘’ Jonghyun heatedly replied, gaze flaring with anger, fear and desire.

Jinki let out a soft sigh as he closed his eyes. ‘’ I’m not breaking up with you… not exactly, ‘’ he rectified as he reopened them.

‘’ So what are you doing then? ‘’ Jonghyun had to ask.

‘’ I just… I need to be honest with you… ‘’ Jinki paused. He didn’t know how to go on after that. On his way back to the city, he hadn’t really had the energy to rehearse this moment, to put his words together. He had just decided to wing it and now he regretted it. Jonghyun deserved more than a half-assed explanation.

‘’ Be honest about what? ‘’ the other one inquired. Dread was painfully wrenching his gut at this point. A ghost from a not so distant past appeared in his mind, making his whole body freeze.

Jinki heard his unspoken fear. ‘’ I didn’t cheat on you, ‘’ he quickly reassured.

Jonghyun’s shoulders relaxed unbeknownst to him. He gave himself a quick respite by taking a deep breath before he looked back to the brunette. ‘’ So what then? ‘’

_Here we go. _‘’ I was seeing a therapist when I was younger… ‘’ He paused, feeling his chest constrict in a painful manner. ‘’ And I saw her again this week, ‘’ he shared as he simultaneously fought to push down memories from his past.

Jonghyun’s expression instantly became filled with worry. ‘’ Oh… ‘’ _Are you okay? Why did you have to see a therapist? What happened? _All those questions didn’t pass his lips. Instead, he brought a hand to his lover’s cheek and caressed it.

Jinki felt himself weaken under his touch. Nothing was more comforting than Jonghyun. ‘’ And she helped me figure out some stuff… ‘’ he went on as he unwillingly grabbed the other’s hand and pulled it away from him.

Jonghyun waited, hurt, but still eager to hear the rest.

‘’ She made me realize I had never taken the time to be happy outside of a relationship, to know myself, to just be with myself, ‘’ Jinki explained. The words felt awkward and lame as they fell out of his mouth, but he knew there wasn’t any perfect choice of words for this moment.

Jonghyun took a moment to let the words sink in. ‘’ So, basically… you are breaking up with me, ‘’ he deduced after a few seconds.

Jinki felt like he was about to throw up. Nonetheless, he forced himself to keep looking at Jonghyun as he saw confusion and hurt painted all over his pretty features. ‘’ I just need some time to figure some things out… ‘’ he uneasily answered.

Jonghyun snorted, finally breaking away from the other’s gaze. He didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or hit the other one in the face. His mind was racing with a million thoughts, making him feel dizzy. He let his head rest on the other’s shoulder to gather himself, to rein in all the ruckus that had just unfolded inside of him. When he lifted his head back up, he knew what to say.

‘’ I love you. ‘’ Jonghyun delivered those words with everything he had in him, hoping they could change the trajectory of their conversation.

‘’ I love you too, Jjong, ‘’ Jinki instantly echoed. ‘’ It’s not about me not loving you, it’s about me wanting to be the best version of myself for us, ‘’ he then said.

‘’ You already are Jinki. ‘’ Jonghyun caressed his cheek again. ‘’ You are perfect to me, ‘’ Jonghyun softly expressed before kissing him.

Jinki tensed up under him as their lips met for the first time in weeks. He tried not to give in, but as Jonghyun forced his tongue into his mouth, he completely surrendered. A moan broke free from his lips before it was silenced by Jonghyun’s mouth on his again.

They kissed for what felt like forever, both of them forgetting everything else in that moment.

‘’ Don’t leave me, ‘’ Jonghyun pleaded between kisses. His lungs were screaming for air, but he didn’t want to leave Jinki a chance to think or speak.

‘’ Jonghyun… ‘’ Jinki managed to voice as he pulled back first. His heart was racing, his mind spinning. He lost the rest of his words as he stared at Jonghyun’s flushed face, his gaze stilling on his pink lips, tempted to feel them against his again.

‘’ I’m not leaving you, ‘’ Jinki countered. He gave him a quick peck on the lips. ‘’ I’m not breaking up with you, ‘’ he said again.

‘’ But you are still leaving, ‘’ Jonghyun stressed. He searched Jinki’s eyes to catch any sign of ambivalence, but found none.

‘’ You had already made up your mind, huh? ‘’ he realized at once.

‘’ Why do you always do this to me? Why are you always making decisions for the both of us? ‘’ His voice broke on the last word, his lower lip trembling in rage and despair.

‘’ Do you even care about my feelings? ‘’ he asked before he couldn’t make eye contact anymore. Tears blurred his vision as he felt his heart break once again.

Jinki instinctively held him, trying to calm him by moving in a rocking motion. ‘’ Yes, I do, ‘’ he whispered into his ear. ‘’ I never wanted to hurt you. I’m just trying to do what’s best for us… I…. ‘’ He stopped as Jonghyun came undone in his arms. Despite his suffocating guilt, he held the smaller one tighter, letting his sobs become the only sound filling the space.

‘’ This is so unfair… ‘’ Jonghyun choked out through his tears. He held Jinki tightly, not wanting to let go.

The older one let him, still rocking their bodies back and forth, hating himself for putting the one he loved through so much pain. After a while, the sobs died down and only silence remained.

Jonghyun finally let go, slowly getting off Jinki, before he wiped off the sadness from his face with the back of his hand. 

‘’ What am I supposed to do now? ‘’ Jonghyun asked as he sat back down onto the armchair’s cushion.

‘’ Just wait? ‘’ he added, weary.

_Yes… please. _‘’ I can’t ask you to wait, ‘’ Jinki answered instead. ‘’ But like I said I’m not breaking up with you… ‘’ he repeated.

Jonghyun snorted again. ‘’ You’re holding me hostage, Jinki. ‘’

Jinki looked down, ashamed. ‘’ You are right… ‘’ he realized with much sorrow. ‘’ If… if you feel like you should move on… ‘’ Jinki stopped. He couldn’t bear the thought.

Jonghyun sighed. ‘’ I don’t want to, ‘’ he started. ‘’ I chose to be with you, Jinki… but I can’t wait a lifetime for you to decide if we’re worth it or not, ‘’ he explained as his hand reached once again for his glass. He held it, but didn’t drink.

Jinki nodded, still looking down between his feet. ‘’ I understand. ‘’ He pondered his decision once more, trying to find any indication that it wasn’t right, that he should change his mind, but there was none. With that certainty in mind, he got up and looked at Jonghyun again.

‘’ This is your apartment now, ‘’ he informed. ‘’ I don’t want you to worry about rent or anything else, so I’ll be sending you money. ‘’

Jonghyun frowned. ‘’ No. I’ll find myself a job. It was hard enough depending on my boyfriend for everything, but now you are not even… we’re not… ‘’ The words failed him. He couldn’t say it out loud.

Jinki’s jaw clenched. He took a few seconds to recover from the blow before continuing. ‘’ I just want you to be able to focus on your studies, finish your degree and do what you love, ‘’ he reasoned.

Jonghyun shook his head in disbelief. He felt the tears wanting to come again so he drank. His empty glass then hit the table with a thud as anger welled up inside of him. 

‘’ Whatever, Jinki, ‘’ he voiced with spite.

Jinki’s chest tightened. He had known this conversation could never have ended well, but the feeling of loss he was now experiencing was excruciatingly painful.

‘’ Okay, I’ll leave now, ‘’ he finally said. He started walking, moving past Jonghyun, to get to the duffle bag he had left close to the door. He had already taken his most essential items with him when he had first left, so there was now no need to linger here any longer. He put on his boots and then his coat before he finally grabbed his bag.

And then his hand was on the knob. _I love you, Jonghyun. _He opened the door, took a deep breath and stepped out.

The sound of the door closing had Jonghyun’s heart shatter even more.

_Jinki… _

He went to grab the bottle of rum, but his tears caught him off guard. He instantly buried his face in his hands, ashamed of his breakdown.

_This is too much… _

He sniffed.

_I can’t… _


	6. Who waits for love? [Flashback part IV]

Jinki had been sitting in the same spot for the last fifteen minutes, just looking outside the window. The beautiful yet unusual scenery before him had him captivated, taking his mind off everything it always carried around. Gusts of wind were blowing the swirling snow all around, bringing some light to the darkness of the sky and leaving the streets empty of any human soul. They were probably all peering out of their windows, just like he was, mesmerized, distracted from their everyday life. This weather was a rare occurrence, something unheard of since ages. It was almost surreal, like a wild figment of mother nature’s imagination bestowed upon them. Jinki was grateful for such a view a few weeks into the new year. Everything was getting hidden under piles and piles of snow flakes, hiding every patch of unevenness the ground usually displayed. Outside, everything seemed perfect.

An ache in his neck brought him back to his body, his hand automatically reaching behind it to soothe the stiffness. He wasn’t even his thirties yet, but sometimes he felt like he was already an old man. Sometimes, it felt like he had lived many lives before this one and he was carrying the weight of them in his muscles and his psyche. He had wished many times for a do-over, but he hadn’t yet figured out where the restart button on life was. So he just lived with that burden, every passing day making him want to find a way out of his head. There was a limit to what writing and sleeping could do for him. And it was made even worse when he couldn’t count on these crutches. He had spent the last month restless with thoughts and emotions, unable to figure his way out of the mess he had created. He had wanted to put them all on paper to create his own path to clarity, but every time he had tried to sit down and write, he had been overwhelmed by a sense of fear and dread so strong not even a word had been able to come out of his head. He knew what was blocking him. He was scared of finding out where his mind and feelings would bring him. There was comfort to be found in not knowing, in leaving everything on pause.

He was back to square zero, right where he had left himself a little before he had moved out of the family house. He was once again hiding and reflecting, unable to move. The only thing that was clear to him was that he wasn’t going to flee far away. He was staying right there, close to the only source of happiness he had, just in case. He wasn’t naive enough to think that only because he had hit the brakes that the one he loved hadn’t continued driving down his own path, maybe even finding someone else to share it with along the way.

He was brought back to the broadcast he had listened to two nights ago. He felt a pang in his heart as he remembered how happy Jonghyun had sounded with his special co-host for the night. What made it even worse was that he knew that other guy; Jonghyun had talked about him several times before when he’d shared about his days spent on campus. They seemed to have developed a great friendship and now there was nothing to stop that friendship to grow even more.

_Maybe it’s for the best… _he thought as he finally moved from the windowsill he had been sitting on. He took out his phone from his pocket and went searching for the little effort he had made to keep in touch. A bitter taste filled his mouth when his eyes stopped again on his unanswered text. _I hope you are doing good. Happy holidays. _He knew he was wrong for sending such a generic message after what he had done, but he had just wanted to show that he still cared. Part of him had hoped that he would get an answer, even the simplest thing like a _Thank you_, but there had been nothing. The year had thus ended and started without any communication between them. He couldn’t lie to himself; he was miserable.

A knock on his door had him put his phone down. He was almost happy for the distraction, but part of him wanted to be left alone a while longer. Nonetheless, he walked towards the door and turned the knob. The always joyful face of his father appeared as he pulled it open. Jinki couldn’t help but smile back at him. Despite everything going on, there still was a blessing in his life. He could count on the comforting presence of his father to make things a little better.

‘’ Care to join me for supper? ‘’ the older man asked.

‘’ Of course, dad. I’m sorry I didn’t come down, I hadn’t realized what time it was, ‘’ Jinki explained, embarrassed. He always came down to eat with his father, whether it was for breakfast, lunch or supper. He appreciated every little one of these moments. He always came out of them feeling a little more at peace, even though that feeling lasted only just for a little while.

‘’ Don’t worry about it. I too got a little too distracted by the snow, ‘’ the gray-haired man admitted.

A frown graced Jinki’s face for a split second before he shook his head, laughing. He would never understand how his father always seemed to know what he was up to. ‘’ It’s quite the sight, ‘’ he noted as they made their way down the stairs leading near the dining room. Jinki felt his stomach rumble as a whiff of the food nearby reached his nostrils. One thing he had retrieved ever since he had gone back to stay in the family house was his appetite. It hadn’t been an overnight thing, but he had gradually made an effort to eat more consistently. His father’s shocked and worried expression when he had first set foot in the house had been enough motivation for him. He had realized at that moment how frail he had gotten.

‘’ Yes, we have to cherish these rare wonders the world sometimes offers us, ‘’ his father wisely put as he took seat in front of his plate filled with food.

Jinki did just the same, smiling as he nodded in agreement. ‘’ I don’t think mom and I are the only ones who have a way with words. You always say things that leave me thinking. ‘’

‘’ Well, I think your mom had a lot to do with that. After spending so many years together, there was bound to be things that we transferred to one another, ‘’ the older man remarked before digging his fork into his meal and enjoying a first bite.

Jinki smiled again, but this time, a wave of sadness filled him. A day didn’t pass without him missing his mom. She had been such a light in his life and no one else would ever be this bright in his life again.

‘’ I wish she was still with us, ‘’ he voiced despite himself. He looked down to his plate, moving the food around with his utensil, but not yet bringing it to his lips.

‘’ I think about that every day, but life doesn’t always go how we’d like it to. We can only have control over so much, ‘’ the other observed as his gaze settled on the dark expression of the younger copy of himself.

‘’ Do we actually have control over anything? ‘’ Jinki couldn’t help but question, eyes still on his food.

‘’ You always have control over something, ‘’ the older man answered. ‘’ You can always choose to live your truth, Jinki. ‘’

Jinki lifted his head at those words, brows furrowed. ‘’ What do you mean? ‘’ he inquired as he locked eyes with his father.

His father gave him a small smile. ‘’ As much as I enjoy having you here, I know you didn’t just decide to come live with your old man again just for the sake of it. You are hiding from something, aren’t you? ‘’

Jinki felt himself tense up. ‘’ I’m not hiding… I’m just… I’m just trying to figure things out… ‘’

‘’ And have you? ‘’ his father kept on.

‘’ Not really… I mean… it’s complicated, ‘’ he indicated as he grew more uneasy by the second.

‘’ Too complicated for me to understand? ‘’ the other verified.

Jinki’s eyes darted sideways, unable to bear the scrutiny he was being put under. His right hand let go of his spoon and joined the left one on his jeans to wipe the sweat off his palms. ‘’ It’s not that you can’t understand… it’s just that… you’ll hate me if I tell you. ‘’

His father’s shoulders shook with sudden laughter. ‘’ Jinki, you are my son. My flesh and blood. I could never hate you, ‘’ the old man reassured.

‘’ You can’t say that when you don’t even know what I did, ‘’ the younger one immediately countered.

‘’ I know you, Jinki. You are a good person so whatever bad thing you think you did is probably not even that bad, ‘’ the gray-haired man argued.

‘’ But it is, dad. I can barely live with myself. I thought being on my own would help me be more at peace, but I’m not. ‘’ He had hoped he would never have to expose his father to his sin, but he wasn’t sure he could keep holding on to his secret anymore. His father deserved to know what kind of son he really had.

‘’ On your own? ‘’ the other echoed. ‘’ Were you still seeing Taemin up until now? ‘’ he then inquired.

The question almost had him snorting. ‘’ No, dad. It’s not Taemin… ‘’ The brunette took a deep breath, using that pause as a buffer for what he was about to say. ‘’ I was seeing someone else… someone that you know… ‘’ he hinted, peeling off the first layer.

The older man cocked an eyebrow. ‘’ Another one of your exes? ‘’

‘’ No, dad… I… ‘’ Another deep breath. ‘’ I was seeing… Jonghyun… ‘’ he finally uttered as his whole body turned cold and rigid.

The silence that followed his words made him want to run outside and bury himself under a mountain of snow. He didn’t even dare look at his father in that moment, knowing how disgusted he must be with him. 

‘’ Is that why Kibum didn’t fly in for the holidays? ‘’ his father suddenly wondered as he put down his own utensil.

‘’ Probably… ‘’ Jinki muttered, puzzled by his father’s initial reaction. 

‘’ Aaaah… I understand now why you two have been so distant with me for the last few months, ‘’ the older man calmly noted.

Jinki was even more puzzled now. ‘’ Dad, did you even hear what I just said? ‘’ he reminded, eyes back on the one facing him. 

His father sank back into his chair, letting out a long sigh. ‘’ Yes, I did, Jinki. It is a very unfortunate situation, but like I said before, I know you. You are a good person and I know you would’ve never purposely tried to hurt your brother or anyone for that matter, ‘’ he pointed out. ‘’ One of the things we have very little control over are the matters of the heart, ‘’ he went on, giving his son the most understanding look that he could.

Jinki shied away from it. ‘’ It doesn’t matter what my heart felt… what it still feels… I… ‘’ His head dropped forward, ashamed. ‘’ I hurt Kibum, I stole his happiness from him. ‘’

‘’ Yes, he must be heartbroken and it honestly breaks my heart too, but things happen for a reason. I believe that what is meant to happen will happen even if it’s very difficult for all the parties involved, ‘’ his father reasoned.

Jinki knew his father to be an honest man, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to lessen the pain of that horrible confession both for him and for himself.

‘’ You would never be able to say that if you had seen Kibum, ‘’ Jinki stated. ‘’ It feels like I ruined him… ‘’

‘’ You’re right. I have not seen Kibum. But I’m seeing you right now and it looks like you’re ruining yourself, ‘’ his father said, tone heavy with sadness.

Jinki felt his bottom lip quiver. Before he could even regain control over himself, the tears started falling.

‘’ I’m sorry… ‘’ He uttered shakily as shame filled him. He buried his face in his hands, hoping he could just disappear into thin air.

He heard the sound of a chair being pulled back before footsteps clicked on the wooden floor, getting louder and louder with every step. Soon, he was sheltered by his father’s arms, his warm embrace making him feel a little less naked and vulnerable.

‘’ Don’t be sorry… I just want you to be happy, ‘’ his father shared with a heavy heart.

‘’ But... How can I be? This is horrible... ‘’ Jinki pointed out through strangled sobs.

His father pulled back and set his hands on his son's shoulders. ‘’ That's what I thought too when your mother died. I thought I could never find happiness through that ordeal. But I remembered the blessings I still had... ‘’ He squeezed the other's shoulders. ‘’ I still had two sons who needed me and that I needed too if I was ever going to get through this. So I did everything in my power to cultivate that happiness, to make sure you two felt loved. In the end, her not being there had a good side. It made me be a better father to you two. I don't think I would've been so understanding and present had she been there... ‘’

Jinki lifted his head as his sobs turned more quiet. ‘’ I get what you're saying but the situations are not the same. You weren't the cause of her death. ‘’

‘’ And you were not the cause of Gunho's, ‘’ his father immediately threw back. ‘’ Nonetheless, you still hold yourself responsible for that tragedy and you've gone on doing that for every little bad thing that has happened afterwards, ‘’ his father went on as he leaned against the table to look at his son. He caught the surprise on the latter’s face and smiled. ‘’ Bad things sometimes just happen, son. So when are you going to hold on to your blessings? ‘’

Jinki just stared back at his father, speechless. The man had once again given him a lot to think about. 

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

Jonghyun had been standing in the same spot for the last five minutes, just looking outside the window. He had been trapped on campus all day, studying and attending two classes, barely having a minute to breathe. All the while, the snow hadn’t stopped and he was now staring at the snowflakes falling to join the ones who had already piled up on the streets. Jonghyun stared in awe at all the whiteness that had gathered on the ground, at the magical scenery that made everything seem so pure, so perfect. In that moment, his mind felt light like a feather, the thoughts it usually carried fading into the background. A smile cracked his lips as his gaze caught students throwing snowballs at each other, laughing, seeming carefree. Jonghyun would’ve done the same if he had had any time, but he still had to study for an exam he had the next day in the early afternoon. The semester was an intensive one since he had chosen to take classes during the winter break. He would’ve usually waited for the spring semester to start like most students, but he knew that if he had too much free time on his hands he’d go crazy.

This time around, Jonghyun had decided that Jinki’s departure wouldn’t turn him into a shell of himself. He wasn’t going to destroy what he had going on just because the other had decided to turn his back on their relationship again. He was going to prove to himself that he could figure things out on his own, that he didn’t need anyone to push him forward in life. That was the only silver lining he had managed to see through this whole mess. His pride was thus the only thing that helped him get out of the bed he had occupied alone for more than a month now. He had been tempted several times to go against it and call Jinki, even more so after he had received his text message, but he had promised himself that he wouldn’t beg anymore. If Jinki wanted to be with him, he would have to make the first step and run a whole mile afterwards to be able to get his forgiveness this time.

‘’ Jonghyun, ‘’ a familiar voice suddenly screamed from afar, immediately bringing him back to the present moment and stealing his gaze from the outside world. He turned his head and caught the bright smile of his study mate and occasional broadcast co-planner who was running towards him.

‘’ Yah! Why don’t you answer your damn phone? I was looking everywhere for you, ‘’ his friend loudly reproached as he finally stopped in front of him.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at the other’s dramatic entrance. ‘’ Is there an emergency? ‘’

The one named Jaehyeon huffed before crossing his arms over his chest. ‘’ Yeah, there is. You need to take a break. ‘’

Jonghyun laughed. ‘’ Unfortunately, I still have to study for an exam. ‘’

Jaehyeon echoed his laughter. ‘’ As if you’re not going to ace this exam, anyways. ‘’

‘’ Well, I’m not confident enough to gamble with my results so I’m still going to study, ‘’ Jonghyun replied with a shrug.

‘’ Oh come on, an hour off won’t hurt. You’ve been going non-stop, like have you even celebrated during the holidays? ‘’ his friend bantered, laughing some more.

Jonghyun just smiled, knowing better than to tell his friend the truth. He had in fact not celebrated during the holidays because he had had no one to celebrate with. Minho was the only person he could’ve had a good time with, but he had chosen to lie to him just so the failure that was his relationship wouldn’t be exposed. He knew that if his best friend knew what was going on, he would urge him to break things off. It was actually good advice, but Jonghyun wasn’t yet ready to consider that option. Instead, he had created this story where him and Jinki had spent the whole vacation in a chalet just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face his best friend. And now with all he had to do for school, he had another perfect excuse to make himself elusive. He knew at some point he’d have to stop playing this lying game, but he would keep on as long as he could. This behaviour clearly wasn’t going to make him best friend of the year, but right now, he felt like there was no other way.

‘’ Like seriously, I came all this way, even though I’m on break like every normal student, because that’s the only place one can see you anymore, ‘’ Jaehyeon remarked, his brows furrowing in concern.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ You’re talking like you haven’t seen me in ages. You were on my radio show two days ago. ‘’

‘’ Exactly, I was on your radio show, Jjong. Still something related to school. I mean it was really fun and all, but you know, there is something called life and it can be found outside these four walls, ‘’ Jaehyeon laid out, voice dripping with derision.

‘’ Meh, not interested, ‘’ Jonghyun dismissed before he started walking, heading towards the library.

‘’ Oh, come on, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon protested as he caught up with him.

‘’ You won’t change my mind, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun stated categorically.

‘’ Um… well you kinda have to… ‘’ Jaehyeon said, suddenly embarrassed.

‘’ Oh really, now? Why is that? ‘’ Jonghyun inquired with fake interest as he picked up speed.

The taller one sped up too, determined to get his friend on board. ‘’ Because we are going on a date, ‘’ he answered matter-of-factly to hide his fear.

Jonghyun froze in place, unaware his sudden halt had almost made Jaehyeon trip over his own feet.

‘’ What did you say? ‘’ he slowly uttered after being in utter shock for a few seconds.

A nervous laugh left his friend. ‘’ Look, I know I should’ve told you before, but I tried to call you and text you several times today and you never answered so I’m sorry I have to drop this on you, but we only have like 20 minutes left before we have to meet them so can you please just come with me? ‘’

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow, confusion trampling his terror. ‘’ Who are we meeting? ‘’

Jaehyeon tittered. ‘’ Two girls I met yesterday. ‘’

Jonghyun felt his shoulders sink in relief from knowing that his friend was just being his same old self.

‘’ Good for you, but that has nothing to do with me, ‘’ he squarely noted.

‘’ Yes, it does! ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, tone tinged with panic. ‘’ Let me fill you in real quick, ‘’ he went on, not minding Jonghyun’s annoyed expression. ‘’ I saw this really beautiful brunette and her friend walking in my direction so you know, I just used the old trick of ‘accidentally bumping into her’. So then, I introduced myself and we got to talk for a while and it turned out that they go to our uni! ‘’ the brunette revealed with barely contained excitement.

Jonghyun just gave him a blank look, unimpressed.

‘’ So yeah, during the conversation, her friend mentioned that my voice sounded familiar and then she asked if I had been on your radio show the night before and when I said yes she literally shrieked before sharing that she was your biggest fan and had always wanted to meet you, ‘’ Jaehyeon went on even more energetically as if it would transfer some of his excitement to the one facing him.

Jonghyun’s brows furrowed over his eyes. ‘’ Okay, so let me get this right… You set up a double date without asking me first just so you could score with that other girl? ‘’ he laid out, feeling his body tense up with the onset of anger. 

Jaehyeon gave him a sheepish smile. ‘’ Yeah, kinda… ‘’

Jonghyun had never been the violent type, but in that moment, he felt like he could commit murder. ‘’ I can’t believe you… ‘’ he growled.

The taller one gave him an apologetic smile. ‘’ Look, you don’t have to stay long… ‘’

Jonghyun glared at him, but his anger rapidly dropped. ‘’ I’ll do this for you because you’ve been a great friend to me, ‘’ he complied before taking a step closer towards the other. ‘’ But don’t you ever do this to me again, ‘’ he finished in a chilling tone.

Jaehyeon nervously swallowed. ‘’ Got it. ‘’

‘’ Good. Now, where are we meeting them? ‘’ Jonghyun asked curiously as if he hadn’t just threatened his friend.

‘’ Ah, it’s the café where most students of our uni go to study or chill, ‘’ Jaehyeon indicated. ‘’ You would know if you actually socialized with people here. ‘’

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at the obvious jab. He really didn’t care about making a bunch of insignificant friends just for the sake of showing that he wasn’t alone. ‘’ Okay, just let me put these in my locker first, ‘’ he said as he pointed to his books.

The trip there and the trip back to the entrance gave the brunette time to brace himself for the encounter that was about to come. _I just have to make some small talk and then it’s back to the library. _That simple statement helped him relax a little more.

‘’ And you know… maybe you can use that opportunity to get some too… ‘’ Jaehyeon said with a chuckle as they stepped outside.

Jonghyun would’ve laughed if that didn’t remind him of how lonely he actually was. His hand had helped him get by all this while, but sometimes, the frustration was so great he felt like he was going to burst. Nonetheless, he wasn’t desperate to the point of seeking comfort in the arms of a woman. Or in anyone else’s for that matter.

‘’ I’m good, thank you, ‘’ he curtly answered. He felt Jaehyeon’s gaze on him, but ignored it.

They walked in silence for the next ten minutes, shivering in turn as the cold wind hit their bodies.

‘’ Okay, it’s right there, ‘’ Jaehyeon finally indicated as he pointed forward.

‘’ Thank god, ‘’ Jonghyun expressed, relieved. The scenery had been beautiful to look at from the inside, but being outside wasn’t enjoyable at all.

‘’ Here we go, ‘’ Jaehyeon uttered before he pushed the door open.

Jonghyun felt his heart rate pick up as they stepped inside. He gave a quick look around. The place had a nice and vintage vibe to it, with its dimmed lights, square wooden tables and cushioned chairs. He looked over at the baristas working and felt a little tinge of nostalgia in his core. But he didn’t have time to linger on it as Jaehyeon suddenly grabbed his arm.

‘’ Okay, I just spotted them. ‘’

Without giving any more indication, Jaehyeon started walking, forcing Jonghyun to follow right behind.

‘’ Hey ladies, ‘’ his friend warmly said as they stopped in front of their table.

The two young women gazed up at them, instantly smiling wide. Jonghyun could’ve guessed which one was a listener of his show. He could practically see hearts in her eyes as she took in his presence. He was almost sorry for her, knowing that he would inevitably have to disappoint.

‘’ Come on, sit, ‘’ she urged as she and her friend removed their bags from the empty seats besides them.

They did just that once they were done removing their coats and scarves.

‘’ So I guess I should make the introductions, ‘’ Jaehyeon said with a smile. ‘’ Jonghyun, this is Seoyeon, ‘’ he started as he fondly looked at the girl to his left.

Jonghyun gave a quick bow. ‘’ Nice to meet you, ‘’ he said to the model-looking brunette. _Why am I not surprised… _

‘’ And this is… ‘’ Jaehyeon froze as he looked at the petite blonde. ‘’ Sorry, can you remind me your name? ‘’ he asked, embarrassed.

Jonghyun glared once more at his friend for his lack of care.

‘’ I’m Minjee, ‘’ the blonde eagerly filled in before she bowed her head towards him.

Jonghyun reciprocated. ‘’ Nice to meet you too. ‘’

‘’ She talks about you all the time, ‘’ her friend exposed with a little laugh.

Minjee shot her friend a deadly glare, missing the uneasy expression on Jonghyun’s face. ‘’ I don’t… I just talk about the show a lot, because you address some very interesting subjects, ‘’ she explained as her gaze went down to the table.

Jonghyun fondly smiled at her embarrassed stance. ‘’ What was your favorite show? ‘’

Minjee looked up in surprise. ‘’ Oh… that’s a great question… ‘’ she pondered out loud.

‘’ The last one was pretty awesome in my opinion, ‘’ Jaehyeon threw in with confidence.

Jonghyun kept himself from rolling his eyes. ‘’ Yeah, it was nice talking about lighter stuff for once, ‘’ he admitted.

‘’ Yeah, but I actually love when you’re sharing your thoughts on serious topics, ‘’ Minjee shared. ‘’ I still can’t stop thinking of that one show where you talked about mental health. I think it helped a lot of people be okay with their own issues, ‘’ she went on passionately.

Jonghyun smiled again as his body filled with warmth. He was happy to know his work had some kind of impact. ‘’ I’m glad you enjoy my show. It means a lot, ‘’ he voiced, beyond grateful.

‘’ I’m not really into listening to radio shows, but I might give yours a chance. I think it’s admirable that you’d touch on such subjects, ‘’ Seoyeon indicated as she gave him an intent look.

‘’ Why don’t we order some drinks, huh? ‘’ Jaehyeon abruptly interjected.

Jonghyun gave his friend a quick look as he tried to keep himself from laughing. Clearly, Jaehyeon didn’t like that all the attention was on him.

‘’ Yes, we should before they kick us out, ‘’ Jonghyun agreed as he grabbed a menu.

A few minutes later, they all fell back into conversation, their hot drinks set before them. Fortunately for Jaehyeon, the discussions took another turn and soon enough, things looked like they were going to go his way. Seoyeon was leaning into him a bit more and laughing at his every word at this point. On his side, Jonghyun tried to take genuine interest in Minjee. He learned that she was in the Visual Arts program and that she liked playing the violin amongst other things. Jonghyun couldn’t help but think that if he had been into women, he probably would’ve been attracted to her. Unfortunately, all he could offer was his friendship.

‘’ So what are you going to talk about tomorrow on the show? ‘’ Minjee asked after she had done sharing her favorite pieces of classical music.

‘’ Hmm… I don’t know yet, actually, ‘’ Jonghyun admitted with a chuckle. ‘’ Do you have any requests? ‘’

Minjee’s eyes widened. ‘’ Um… No, I… I’ll be interested in whatever you have to say, ‘’ she indicated as a light blush crept up her cheeks.

Jonghyun gave her a sweet smile. ‘’ Well, I hope I don’t disappoint, because I was thinking of freestyling again and maybe taking some calls for a change, ‘’ he informed.

‘’ You could never disappoint, ‘’ she instantly countered. ‘’ I think taking calls might be really interesting. People will be happy to have a chance to talk to you, even if just for a little while, ‘’ she went on, ecstatic.

‘’ I guess so, ‘’ Jonghyun softly acknowledged before taking another sip of his coffee. That quick break in conversation suddenly reminded him that he still had to study for his upcoming exam. He gave a quick look over at Jaehyeon and Seoyeon who were still in their own little world. He subtly tried to get their attention by clearing his throat, but that didn’t work. So he used the rough, but effective option: a kick under the table.

Jaehyeon winced in pain before finally turning his head towards him. ‘’ What? ‘’ he angrily uttered.

Jonghyun briefly shot daggers at him. ‘’ I’m sorry, but I have to leave now, ‘’ he then told all three. He instantly felt Minjee’s disappointment, but tried not to be fazed by it.

‘’ Aaaw, really? ‘’ the long-haired brunette expressed with a pout.

Jonghyun knew that her disappointment wasn’t for his departure, but because he would be leaving her friend unattended. ‘’ Yes, I have to study for an exam… ‘’ he shared apologetically.

‘’ Maybe Minjee could walk you back to the school, ‘’ Jaehyeon conveniently proposed.

Jonghyun just stared at his friend in disbelief. ‘’ There’s no need to… ‘’ he turned down as lightly as he could.

‘’ It’s fine, we should be heading back home anyways… I heard more snow is going to come down tonight, ‘’ Seoyeon pointed out.

Minjee just nodded, clearly still crushed by the abrupt ending to their moment.

‘’ But… ‘’ Jaehyeon started, but he quickly shut his mouth as he locked eyes with his friend again.

Jonghyun was the first to push his chair back and get up. A few seconds later, they had all put on their outdoor clothing and were making their way to the front to pay.

‘’ I’ve got this, ‘’ Jaehyeon indicated as he grinned at Seoyeon.

Jonghyun kept himself from rolling his eyes once again, but was instantly grateful that his forced outing wasn’t going to cost him a thing. Soon after the bill was taken care of, they all stepped out into the cold. They naturally fell into pairs, Jaehyeon and Seoyeon being only a few steps away from them. Jonghyun caught when the brunette took his friend’s phone to put in her number, making him nervously look back at the blonde facing him.

‘’ Don’t worry, I won’t do the same, ‘’ Minjee immediately reassured as they locked eyes.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow, confused. ‘’ Eh? ‘’

Minjee gave him a small smile. ‘’ You already have a girlfriend, don’t you? ‘’

Jonghyun’s eyes widened for a split second, before he gathered himself. ‘’ Um… yeah… ‘’ he answered.

‘’ What gave it away? ‘’ he then inquired, curious.

‘’ I don’t know… I could feel you being guarded… ‘’ she shared as she looked down to the snow. ‘’ And plus, why wouldn’t you be already taken? ‘’ she added with a little laugh.

‘’ I’m sorry, ‘’ he instantly apologized. He knew none of this was his fault, but he still felt bad.

‘’ Don’t be. I’m just really grateful and happy to have met you, ‘’ Minjee said as she looked up to him again.

‘’ Same here, ‘’ Jonghyun echoed with a wide smile.

Minjee smiled back before walking over to her friend. Jonghyun waved goodbye to both of them as Jaehyeon found his way back besides him. The latter waved too before they started walking the other way.

‘’ Well, I think one more date should be enough to seal the deal, ‘’ Jaehyeon noted mischievously. 

Jonghyun looked at his friend with disgust. ‘’ Is that all you care about? ‘’

‘’ Of course not! ‘’ Jaehyeon practically yelled as he took offense. ‘’ She’s really cool and all, but sex is important too don’t you think? ‘’

_I wouldn’t know… _‘’ Whatever, ‘’ Jonghyun sighed. ‘’ Where’s my _thank you_? ‘’

‘’ Thank you, Jjong. I really appreciate what you did for me tonight, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly said. ‘’ Although… I wish you would’ve gotten her number too… ‘’ he observed with a pout.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ Who says I didn’t? ‘’

‘’ From what I saw, you weren’t in chase mode, you were in polite mode, ‘’ the taller one shared. ‘’ Not your type, huh? ‘’

Jonghyun’s lips stretched in a brief smile. ‘’ Not exactly… ‘’

‘’ So what’s your type then? ‘’ Jaehyeon asked with a newfound enthusiasm.

Jonghyun looked down to the fresh snow, concentrating on his every step for a while. He wanted to keep the silence going on forever, but he could feel his friend’s intent gaze on him.

He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, making his friend do the same. ‘’ Men, ‘’ he simply answered before he started walking again.

‘’ Wha-what? ‘’ Jaehyeon stuttered in shock.

‘’ I’m attracted to men, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun reiterated, feeling like a weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. He was used to keeping that secret from most people he knew, but he had started feeling uneasy keeping that information from someone he had come to spend so much time with. Someone that he genuinely appreciated despite some of his irritating behaviors.

A long silence followed his words and that was enough to make him anticipate the worse. Jaehyeon never fell silent.

‘’ Look, I understand if you can’t be around me anymore… I get it, ‘’ Jonghyun voiced to give his friend an easier way out.

It was now Jaehyeon’s turn to stop walking. Jonghyun looked at him, scared. ‘’ I don’t care, Jjong. It’s cool if you’re gay… I mean it’s fine, ‘’ he let out nervously.

‘’ You sure? ‘’ Jonghyun verified, doubtful. 

‘’ I mean… I wasn’t expecting that at all, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a great friend, so yeah, I’m sure, ‘’ Jaehyeon expressed more confidently. He then looked straight into Jonghyun’s eyes and smiled.

The latter smiled back, relieved. ‘’ Thanks, Jae. ‘’

‘’ You know me, I’m the best friend one could ever ask for, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly boasted.

Minho’s image came into Jonghyun’s mind, but he quickly pushed it away. ‘’ Okay, don’t get too full of yourself now… ‘’ he advised, chuckling.

‘’ It’s just the truth… ‘’ Jaehyeon pointed out as they instinctively started walking again. ‘’ So, do you have a boyfriend then? ‘’ he naturally asked.

Jonghyun felt his heart skip a beat. _I should’ve known… _‘’ Um… it’s complicated… ‘’

‘’ Oooh, complicated… I like that! Tell me more, ‘’ Jaehyeon kept on, mind in full inquisitive mode.

‘’ I think that’s enough sharing for tonight, ‘’ Jonghyun replied, feeling his hands getting sweaty inside his pockets.

‘’ Oh come on… you can’t leave me hanging like that, ‘’ the other whined.

‘’ Yes, I can, ‘’ Jonghyun threw back categorically. 

‘’ So I’m just never going to know what’s going on? ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, frustrated.

‘’ Probably, yeah, ‘’ Jonghyun curtly answered.

_I don’t even know what’s going on. _

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki looked up to the clock that was in his room.

_7:57. Only 3 more minutes… _

He felt his palms get sweaty as he then stared at his screen. His eyes stayed fixed on the banner of the radio show, Jonghyun’s smiling face making his heart race. He had decided to heed his father’s advice. He was going to hold on to his blessings. At first, he hadn’t known how he was going to go about it, but fortunately Jonghyun had provided him with the solution. He still wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but he had at least more chances of getting an answer. There was nothing keeping him from going back to their apartment, but he didn’t want to force his return on the other; he had taken enough decisions for them both already.

_8:00. _

Jinki gave a quick look to his left to make sure his father’s cellphone was still besides him. He had had enough sense to realize that using his own would’ve ruined his plan immediately. He then quickly put his earphones in. The soft and familiar sound of Jonghyun’s voice made him feel warm all over. He closed his eyes to better focus on it, making everything else disappear. By the time the jingle started playing, Jinki felt his nerves take over again. He knew he had to make up for so much, but a big part of him was scared he wouldn’t even have a chance to.

_‘’ Okay, so as I had announced on my website, I’m taking calls tonight. You can ask me any question, about anything, but please make sure it’s respectful. ‘’ _

Jinki felt his chest squeeze. In about a few seconds, he would be one of them.

_‘’ Ah, I’m glad so many of you in the chat room think it’s a great idea, ‘’ Jonghyun warmly voiced. _

The brunette held his breath as the other went on to say that the line was now open. He picked up the phone, but didn’t press the call button right away. He knew it would be best to just get it over with, but fear had him paralyzed.

Jonghyun’s voice caught his attention again. _‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ _

_‘’ Hi! My name is Joonwoo. I listen to your show every time. Thanks for letting us call you, ‘’ the young sounding man enthusiastically expressed. _

_‘’ Hi, Joonwoo. It’s my pleasure. Thank you so much for your support. What is your question? ‘’ _

_‘’ Um… well… These days, I feel like I don’t know if I’m on the right path. Do you have any tips to deal with uncertainty? ‘’ _

Jinki felt his heart skip a beat at the sound of Jonghyun’s laugh.

_‘’ Aish, I knew you guys would hit me with the big life questions… ‘’ the latter then said. ‘’ First of all, I want to say that I think it’s normal to deal with that kind of feeling at some point in our lives. I think it can be pretty healthy actually, because to me, if you are never feeling uncertain, you never have the opportunity to re-evaluate what you are doing and change. Our minds and bodies are smart and they give us signals all the time and we should listen to them as best as we can. If you are not sure you are on the right path then maybe you aren’t or maybe you are, but something about the way you are going about it isn’t right yet. So I think the first step would just be to analyze when that feeling of uncertainty shows up, like is it every hour of the day or is it just when you partake in this or that activity. It might help you identify the cause. Also pay attention to the things that excite you, that you naturally want to do. Usually, everything feels right in those moments so that might help you know what you need to incorporate more into your life. And if you’re completely confused about everything, I’d say try something new. Sometimes, it’s no use doing more of the same. Maybe you haven’t encountered your path yet so go find it out there. ‘’ _

As the last words left the other, Jinki felt like he had just fallen even more in love with him. _That was great advice. _

_‘’ Wow, thank you so much. That really helps, JjongD, ‘’ the caller said._

_‘’ I really hope it does. ‘’ _

There was a brief pause before Jonghyun started talking again.

_‘’ Oh wow, there are so many callers… I might have to make my answers shorter if I want to be able to talk to you all, ‘’ he indicated with another laugh. _

Jinki felt his heart sink. _Shit. _He quickly unlocked the phone, pressed the call button and put it on speakerphone. He heard ringing before an automated message said _‘’ Please hold, your call will be answered as soon as possible. ‘’_ His leg started shaking. _I really hope so… _

In the meantime, he kept on listening to distract himself and to get more wisdom from the one he loved. He was surprised that there were so many questions about mental health being asked, but he was glad that Jonghyun’s show was providing young people a space to be able to discuss that topic. 

_‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ he asked again for the trillionth time. _

_‘’ Hi! This is Minjee! I don’t know if you remember me… ‘’ a young woman answered. _

_‘’ Of course I do! I’m so glad you called. What’s your question? ‘’ Jonghyun inquired joyfully. _

_‘’ Maybe it’s going to sound silly, but… what’s the thing you are the most grateful for? ‘’ she asked. _

Jinki felt his heart rate speed up.

_‘’ Hmm… that’s a great question, actually. I’ll be honest with you, my mind usually goes down the negative route so a lot of times it’s really hard for me to see it, but I seriously have a lot to be grateful for. I think above anything else, I would have to say that it’s the people who have been and are there for me… I’ve had the chance to always have someone be my backbone and help me get through life… ‘’ Jonghyun took a deep breath. ‘’ And I think that without that, things could’ve gone very wrong for me… ‘’ _

_‘’ I’m glad you are well surrounded, JjongD. You deserve it, ‘’ the young woman replied. _

_‘’ Sometimes I feel like I don’t, but thank you for saying that. ‘’ _

Jinki felt a pang in his heart. _You deserve everything, Jjong… _

The call was followed by a song break, giving him time to stress out again. _Maybe he won’t even have time to take my call… Maybe he’ll just hang up if he hears my voice… Shit, this was such a bad idea… Maybe I should hang u-_

_‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ Jonghyun said once again. _

Jinki froze. There was an echo to his voice. He gazed down to his phone.

_‘’ Hello? ‘’ _

There was no doubt about it now. Jinki quickly took his earphones out and picked up the phone with his sweaty hand. He knew he had to speak up or he would definitely lose his chance.

‘’ Yes… hi… ‘’ he uttered feebly.

There was a pause, a fear-spiking pause.

_‘’ Do you… do you have a question for me…? ‘’_ he finally heard on the other end.

Jinki felt slightly relieved. ‘’ Yeah so… I thought you might be able to answer this one… ‘’ He cleared his throat, feeling his chest constrict. ‘’ Do you believe in second chances? Or actually, third chances…? ‘’ he awkwardly got out before chewing on his bottom lip.

There was another pause, an endless one.

_‘’ It depends on what the person has done… I think people can be forgiven for their mistakes, but there is a point of no return that can be reached if there is a lack of trust and respect… ‘’ _

Jinki could only nod to himself, his throat clenched shut.

_‘’ Thank you for your call, ‘’ Jonghyun said before hanging up._

Jinki slowly lowered the phone away from his ear before he hung up too. The chewing had stopped and he could now feel his lip trembling. His body knew before his mind could catch up and when it did, he burst out crying like he had never let himself before. Everything was pouring out of him and by the time his sobbing quieted, he felt like an empty shell.

He gave a quick look to the screen and saw that the show had ended 10 minutes ago. He suddenly felt ridiculous for thinking that his plan was going to change anything. He felt ridiculous for thinking that he could get another chance. He slowly got up from his chair and started walking straight to his bed, hoping to erase all of this with some sleep. But a buzzing sound had him look back to his desk. He ran to his phone on instinct and picked it up.

‘’ Hello? ‘’ he said, heart racing.

‘’ What the fuck, Jinki? ‘’

The racing pace became a thrumming one inside his chest as his ear was met again with the sound of the other’s voice. He was sure his heart would burst at any point now.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’

A long and heavy silence filled the distance between them.

‘’ I don’t… I don’t even know what to say to you right now… ‘’

Jinki could hear in his voice that he was tense. _He’s still trying to spare my feelings…_

‘’ If you need to yell at me, yell at me, ‘’ he replied.

His words were followed by a sigh. ‘’ I’m not going to yell at you through the phone. I just wanted to know why’d you do something so stupid… ‘’

‘’ Because I’m stupid… ‘’ He closed his eyes, shameful. ‘’ On so many levels… ‘’ He added in a whisper.

Another sigh came through. ‘’ What I told you on the broadcast… I meant it. ‘’

Jinki felt his throat tighten again. ‘’ I know. ‘’

‘’ I haven’t been waiting around for you like a little puppy. I’ve been living my life, ‘’ Jonghyun calmly indicated.

‘’ As you should… ‘’ Jinki acknowledged, not without sorrow.

‘’ If you are coming back, I’m not going to be so welcoming like last time, ‘’ the younger one went on confidently.

‘’ I get it… I’m not coming back if you don’t want me to… ‘’

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ It’s your apartment, isn’t it? ‘’

Jinki felt another pang in his heart. ‘’ No, it’s our home, ‘’ he rectified.

A long, dead silence followed, making the older one feel even worse.

‘’ Why did you call? ‘’ Jonghyun finally said at the other end.

‘’ You didn’t answer my last text so that’s the only way I figured out to be able to talk to you… ‘’ Jinki answered, uneasy.

‘’ Of course I didn’t answer that text… it was stupid, insulting even, ‘’ Jonghyun retorted. ‘’ How could you wish me happy holidays when you knew damn well that wouldn’t be the case? ‘’ he went on, voice raspy with anger.

Jinki swallowed hard. ‘’ I… I guess I thought you’d have spent some nice time with Minho…. ‘’

‘’ I didn’t see Minho, ‘’ Jonghyun sharply informed.

A frown creased the other one’s brow. ‘’ Why? ‘’

‘’ Because I would’ve had to tell him what was going on and if I had done that, he would’ve told me something that I am not yet ready to hear, ‘’ Jonghyun explained, his last words almost coming out in a whisper.

Jinki felt his heart rate pick up. ‘’ Which is? ‘’

Jonghyun sighed again. ‘’ To break things off with you… ‘’

The other’s heart fluttered this time. ‘’ But you don’t want to… ‘’ he slowly voiced.

‘’ No… not yet, anyways, ‘’ the younger one indicated.

‘’ So what does this mean? ‘’ Jinki inquired, unable to stop himself from being hopeful.

‘’ It means that we… are not over… ‘’ Jonghyun started carefully. ‘’ But, I’m not ready to see you yet, ‘’ he finished, more assured.

Jinki felt his chest tighten. The hope had suddenly vanished. ‘’ Okay… ‘’ he said, crushed.

‘’ Okay then… I’m going to hang up now… ‘’ Jonghyun awkwardly announced.

‘’ Wait! ‘’ Jinki exclaimed as fear spiked inside him.

‘’ Yes? ‘’

‘’ I… ‘’ Jinki took a deep breath, centering himself on what mattered. ‘’ I love you, Jjong, ‘’ he expressed with all the love and care he could convey at that moment.

Another long silence followed, making the fear grow inside him once more.

‘’ Goodnight, Jinki, ‘’ was all Jonghyun said before hanging up.

The abrupt ending to their conversation was the final trigger to make Jinki lose all his composure. The tears welled up in his eyes as he dropped his phone on the floor. He tried to wipe them off immediately to erase any trace of weakness, but they spilled forth like an endless flow. After a few more seconds, he stopped fighting and accepted the reality that he was in.

_He doesn’t love me anymore._


	7. No one. [Flashback part V]

Jinki groaned as his alarm clock went off. His eyes opened, then closed again, his body fighting with him to stay in bed. He would’ve loved to listen to that urge and not do anything of his day, but he couldn’t go on like he had the past few weeks. Despite him having little faith that things could get better with Jonghyun, he had remembered what the break had been all about in the first place. He was supposed to work on being the best version of himself possible. When he had remembered that fact, he had decided to make some changes. The major one being to get back to work. A day of phone calls to his clients had gotten him back in the saddle, but following through with all he had to do was a completely different battle. And getting out of bed was definitely the hardest one.

After a few more seconds of floating between waking and sleeping, Jinki finally turned off the device so the aggressive beeping sound could stop ringing in his ears. He slowly straightened up before rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. Another groan left his lips as he finally stood on his two feet. He already knew it was going to be a long day just from how tired he was feeling. These days, he could only get in a few hours of sleep, if any, and it was definitely taking a toll on him. He hadn’t started out with great sleeping habits in the first place, but it was worse now. His mind was playing the same cassette over and over again, preventing him from finding some peace whenever he wasn’t purposely focusing on work or talking with his father.

He stumbled over his own two feet trying to get a move on, but caught himself in time by holding on to the wooden structure of his bed. _Coffee, _he immediately thought as he realized how much of a walking disaster he was. His body instinctively made a turn to get him to the nearest bathroom so he could wash up first. Once that was done, he walked with a little more enthusiasm towards the staircase leading to the first floor. A smile cracked his lips as he inhaled the comforting scent of a dark roast. He walked at an even faster pace towards the dining room, excited to get his lips on the hot beverage. This was a pleasure he wasn’t shying away from anymore since it was part of a silent contract he had made with himself.

Ever since he had gone back to live with his father, he had made a conscious effort to take better care of himself. That’s why he had decided to stick to only one addiction and logically, he had held on to the less harmful one. He still craved his cigarettes every day, but he had not caved in even in the worst of times. He had come to the painful realization that he had neglected himself in every way to put others first and to deal with the lingering guilt he always felt whenever something bad happened in his life. His father’s words had helped him question the beliefs he held about himself. He had grown to believe that he was a bad person to the core and had to make amends for it in every way possible, but he was slowly realizing that maybe everything wasn’t his fault.

For one, he was now trying to let go of the guilt he held for Gunho’s death. He knew it was the root to a lot of his problems so he had decided to work through the emotional load he was carrying inside him once more. His father had been more than willing to help him during the process, letting him spill his heart out and then helping him shift his perspective on things. It was like having a psychologist on hand and Jinki couldn’t be more grateful to have such an amazing and thoughtful father.

Jinki watched with hunger as the food and the coffee pot were set on the table. He thanked the employees for their hard work before they went back to the kitchen. He was eager to satiate his basic needs, but he didn’t touch anything yet. He didn’t want to start without his father. He waited a few minutes before one of the attendants entered the room.

‘’ Mr. Lee, ‘’ she quietly called out. ‘’ Your father says to start without him, ‘’ she indicated with a small smile.

Jinki’s eyes widened, surprised. ‘’ Oh, okay… Is he feeling well? ‘’ he inquired as worry quickly grew inside him.

‘’ Yes, yes, don’t worry. He’s on the phone, but he said he’ll be coming down soon, ‘’ she informed him.

‘’ Ah, I see… ‘’ Jinki gave her a wide smile. ‘’ Thank you. ‘’

The attendant smiled back and quickly turned on her heel to exit the room.

Jinki sunk back into his chair, a little distraught. His father had never left him to eat alone before. _Who is he talking to?_ He couldn’t help but wonder. A grumble in his stomach finally settled the matter for him after a few more seconds. He filled his cup with hot coffee and as soon as it met with his lips, there was no holding back. By the time he heard steps nearing the room, he was almost done with his plate.

‘’ Good morning, son, ‘’ his father greeted with his usual pep.

‘’ Hi, dad, ‘’ Jinki replied after swallowing the food that had puffed up his cheeks.

‘’ Seems like you were pretty hungry, ‘’ the older man noted with a chuckle.

‘’ Yeah, I guess… ‘’ Jinki recognized, a little embarrassed. ‘’ I wanted to wait for you, but… ‘’

‘’ Don’t worry about it, I was busy, ‘’ he immediately dismissed. ‘’ I was talking to your auntie Youngmi and if you don’t mind, I told her you’d come up to chat with her a little… ‘’

‘’ Yeah, sure. It’s been a while, ‘’ Jinki realized as he sprung up from his chair.

‘’ The phone is in my room, ‘’ his father indicated as he sat down before his own plate of food.

‘’ Alright, ‘’ the younger one acknowledged, before leaving the dining room and going up to the master bedroom. He entered with a little unease, keeping his eyes straight ahead as he spotted the phone on the little wooden table at the corner of the room. He sat down on the cushioned chair before it before picking up the phone.

‘’ Hi auntie, how are you doing? ‘’ he asked enthusiastically.

‘’ The fuck? ‘’ a lower than expected voice loudly exclaimed.

Jinki felt his heart thump inside his chest as his brain immediately registered who it was. ‘’ Ki-Kibum? ‘’ he inquired nervously.

‘’ What the hell? Dad said that auntie Youngmi wanted to talk to me! ‘’ the younger one raged.

‘’ He told me the same thing too… ‘’ Jinki indicated in a calmer tone before a sigh left his lips. _Dad, what were you thinking?_

‘’ Why in the hell would he do this? ‘’ Kibum kept on, clearly feeling cheated.

Jinki felt his mouth turn dry and his palms get sweaty. He was scared to let the words out, but he knew at this point he had nothing more to lose.

‘’ I told him what happened… I told him everything… ‘’

A heavy silence followed his words. Jinki was pretty much expecting his brother to hang up any second now.

‘’ Why? ‘’ Kibum suddenly asked. His voice had almost turned quiet, surprising Jinki beyond words. 

‘’ Um… because it didn’t feel right keeping this from him any longer, ‘’ he shared, purposely leaving out the part about him living with their father again because he was a mess of a human being.

‘’ That wasn’t your choice to make, Jinki, ‘’ Kibum spat back, picking up his anger again.

‘’ I… I don’t know if it was anyone’s choice to make. It kinda just happened… ‘’ Jinki tried to explain, knowing it wouldn’t change a thing. He knew Kibum had to keep feeding the anger he had towards him. He understood that too well.

‘’ You’re really trying to ruin my life, huh? How am I supposed to look father in the eye the next time I see him? ‘’ Kibum practically yelled.

Jinki closed his eyes briefly, trying to keep his emotions under control. ‘’ If I can look him in the eye, so can you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, ‘’ he reminded.

‘’ Oh right… I was just too pathetic to realize that my boyfriend was getting it on with my brother, but yeah you’re right, I have nothing to be ashamed of, ‘’ Kibum scoffed.

Jinki bit his lip, trying to keep the pain in. There was nothing he could say to that. Nothing that would matter in any case.

Another moment of silence trailed again, leaving Jinki to wonder what was going on in his brother’s mind.

‘’ I can’t believe, father… ‘’ the latter suddenly said again. ‘’ Was he even mad at you? ‘’

Jinki knew that to be a trick question, but he didn’t want to lie. ‘’ No, not really… ‘’

Kibum snorted. ‘’ Of course not. He could never be mad at his favorite son. ‘’

Jinki felt a pang in his chest. ‘’ Kibum, you know dad loves us both equally. ‘’

‘’ I know he loves me, but I know he favors you. That’s been clear since forever, even more so after mom died, ‘’ the other asserted.

‘’ You don’t know that, it’s- ‘’

‘’ What? ‘’ Kibum sharply interjected. ‘’ It’s all in my head? No. There is so much proof it’s not even funny. He’s never been mad at you and he didn’t give you a hard time at all when you came out, ‘’ the younger one brought back.

‘’ He has reprimanded me a lot of times and he didn’t react as much because you had already come out a year before, ‘’ Jinki countered as convincingly as he could.

‘’ Jinki, it’s no use trying to spare my feelings. I’ve accepted it a while ago, ‘’ Kibum squarely informed.

‘’ Apparently it’s my fate to lose to you, ‘’ he then added, snorting.

Jinki felt those words deeply in his core, making him feel sick. ‘’ Don’t say that Kibum… ‘’

‘’ Oh right … I forgot you’ve never been a fan of the truth, you always hide from it, ‘’ the younger one taunted, voice dripping with contempt.

Jinki remained silent, swallowing back his pride.

‘’ It’s a wonder why people love you so much, you’re a coward who doesn’t even have enough backbone to stand on your own, ‘’ Kibum went on mercilessly.

Those words hit him right in the heart, making it hard for him to breathe. ‘’ How can you say that to me, Kibum? ‘’ he managed to utter with a trembling lip.

‘’ How could you do this to me, Jinki… ‘’ Kibum threw right back, voice hoarse with emotion. There was a pause. ‘’ How could you… ‘’ he repeated, voice breaking apart. 

Jinki felt a tear slide down his cheek, but wiped it away. Throat tightening, he said, ‘’ I don’t know, Kibum. I never thought something like that could happen… Never. ‘’

‘’ It didn’t have to, ‘’ Kibum immediately retorted. ‘’ You had a choice, Jinki. You could’ve just not acted on whatever was on your mind, but you did anyways. You- ‘’

‘’ I was selfish, ‘’ Jinki interjected. ‘’ In the end, I chose my feelings over yours. I admit it, ‘’ he confessed. ‘’ But I have to live with the weight of that choice every day. You think I’m not thinking about what that has done to you every fucking second of every fucking day? ‘’ Jinki continued, voice strained from growing distress.

‘’ That’s the least you can do for doing the worst thing you could have ever done to me, ‘’ Kibum coldly replied.

Jinki sunk back into his chair, feeling defeated. He wished he could get Kibum to see past his mistake; he wished Kibum could see how much he loved and missed him.

‘’ Bummie… ‘’ he slowly started, holding on to the shred of hope that was still inside him. ‘’ I don’t know how or if I can make this right, but all I want you to know is that I love you and miss you very much. I don’t really know how to go on without you in my life, ‘’ he laid out earnestly.

There was a long silence. So long, Jinki thought his heart would give out on him.

The younger one finally broke it with a sigh. ‘’ Supposing that I feel the same way, maybe we could talk on the phone once in a while, but I have one condition. ‘’ His tone had now grown deadly serious.

‘’ Yes, anything, ‘’ Jinki eagerly replied, despite his fear.

‘’ We are never talking about you know who. Don’t ever mention his name or even refer to your relationship with him, ‘’ Kibum revealed, tone leaving no room for argument.

‘’ I won’t, ‘’ Jinki agreed almost instantly. He felt somewhat uneasy as Jonghyun crossed his mind, but in this moment, there was nothing more important than mending his relationship with his brother.

‘’ Good, ‘’ Kibum said in a satisfied tone. ‘’ It’s late here so I’ll be going now. I’ll call you soon, ‘’ he indicated.

Jinki couldn’t help but smile. ‘’ Okay, Bummie. Goodnight. ‘’

‘’ Goodnight, Jinki. ‘’

Jinki waited for the other to hang up first before he did the same. The distress that had wrecked him just a few minutes ago was now replaced by a growing sense of peace. He knew everything was far from perfect, but it was a start.

He got up from the cushioned chair and rushed once more down the stairs, heading straight to the dining room. Another smile cracked his lips as he set eyes on his father again.

The latter looked up at him once he came into view. ‘’ So how was the talk with your auntie? ‘’ he asked matter-of-factly.

Jinki shook his head, laughing. ‘’ It was… ‘’ He paused. ‘’ Necessary, ‘’ he pinpointed. ‘’ We should be talking again soon, ‘’ he then informed with another smile.

‘’ That’s great, ‘’ the older man exclaimed joyfully. ‘’ I’m glad you two had that talk. Family is always important, ‘’ he went on.

Jinki smiled once more. ‘’ Yes, it is. ‘’

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun groaned as a buzzing sound slowly slipped into his consciousness, breaking through his hazy barrier of sleep. He stirred under his pile of blankets, turning his head the other way to block out the disturbance. When he heard the annoying buzzing again, he was forced to open his eyes, whining as light attacked his line of vision. It was only after a few more seconds of disgruntlement that he realized that it was his phone who had disturbed his peace. He reached for it lazily, almost making it fall from the nightstand beside him as he tried to grab it.

Phone finally to his ear, he grunted, not even caring who might be on the other end.

The boisterous laugh he was answered with made him wince. ‘’ Jjong, is that you or have I called a caveman? ‘’ Jaehyeon teased.

Jonghyun’s immediate response was a groan this time, his mind still working out how to form a sentence that early in the day.

‘’ Gosh, did you get drunk last night or something? ‘’ Jaehyeon went on, words intertwined with laughter. 

Jonghyun rolled onto his back, accepting the fact that his beauty sleep was now over. ‘’ Jae… ‘’ he sighed. ‘’ Why are you calling so early? ‘’

‘’ Bruh, ‘’ the other instantly reacted. ‘’ You need to check your alarm clock. It’s definitely not early. ‘’

The brunette did in fact look to his left, eyes growing wide as soon as they caught the time.

‘’ Shit… how can it be noon? ‘’ he grumbled as he hid behind his free hand and reality. Even though he couldn’t quite yet remember what he had to do for the day, he knew he was clearly behind schedule, which meant that he had to get out of bed, which meant he had to go against his will.

‘’ How can you not be out of bed yet? ‘’ Jaehyeon threw back in disbelief. ‘’ You’re Mr. Early Bird, ‘’ he then added, chuckling.

_You mean Mr. No Sleep. _But Jonghyun wasn’t about to let him in on his reality. Either way, he was as surprised as his friend that he had in fact slept in, again. It had now happened twice in the last week and it was sure messing with his brain. Yes, he was happy that he was getting some sleep, but he wasn’t sure why he was suddenly sleeping so much. And to make matters worse, he didn’t even feel like it was enough.

‘’ Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, ‘’ Jonghyun groaned as his other arm fell to his side again.

Jaehyeon laughed. ‘’ That makes no sense. Why don’t you tell me the truth? ‘’

Brows furrowed, Jonghyun asked, ‘’ What truth? ‘’

‘’ That someone’s keeping you up all night, ‘’ the younger one answered, words ringing with amusement.

Jonghyun felt a sharp pang in his lower stomach as his mind trailed away with the suggestion. He had been so needy for Jinki ever since he had left, even more so after they had talked, that almost anything could make him a horny mess at this point. He had pumped himself dry almost every night this week as thoughts of being sucked off or fucked by the other had troubled him.

‘’ Jjong? ‘’ Jaehyeon called out at the other end, instantly snapping him back to attention.

‘’ Ye-yes, ‘’ he stuttered, cheeks heated with embarrassment.

A low chuckle rumbled in the other’s throat. ‘’ Am I right? ‘’

‘’ No! ‘’ He couldn’t help but yell to leave no room for doubt. ‘’ It’s not that… ‘’ he reiterated in a softer tone before sighing.

‘’ Okay then. If you say so, ‘’ Jaehyeon forfeited despite himself. ‘’ But do you still want me to help you study? ‘’ he then reminded.

_Oh. _It was coming back to him now. He had planned to study all day for his _History of Human Communication_ course and knowing how much he actually hated that class, he had asked Jaehyeon to help him study since the latter had already gone through it the previous semester.

‘’ Yes, I… I just need to wash up, eat and… ‘’ _Get myself together, _he thought, wincing.

‘’ Having a hard time, huh? Why don’t I come over to save you some energy, ‘’ Jaehyeon offered.

Jonghyun could sense the concern in his tone, but his words only created panic inside him.

‘’ Um… I don’t know… The apartment’s kinda messy… ‘’ he bullshitted to get himself out of the uncomfortable spot.

‘’ You should see mine, ‘’ Jaehyun replied, cackling. ‘’ Seriously, Jjong, you know I don’t give a fuck, ‘’ he reassured.

_Shit. _Jonghyun tried to make his brain work extra hard to come up with another excuse, but after a few seconds, he had to give up. ‘’ Alright, I’ll text you the address. I should be ready around 1, ‘’ he informed as his stomach coiled into a knot. He knew he would regret this.

‘’ Great, ‘’ Jaehyeon beamed. ‘’ Do you want me to bring something? ‘’

‘’ Hmm… yeah, maybe some food… ‘’ Jonghyun mulled over the thought. ‘’ Warm food, ‘’ he specified as a hand settled over his stomach.

‘’ Okay, chief. I shall deliver it right to your door, ‘’ Jaehyeon playfully answered. ‘’ See ya, ‘’ he finished before hanging up.

Jonghyun did the same before letting out a deep sigh. His gaze redirected itself briefly unto the white ceiling of their bedroom before he closed his eyes once more. That was all it took for him to start slipping back into the arms of Morpheus, but he fought back with a groan.

_Jonghyun, come on, get up. _The mental push was enough for him to open his eyes, but he still couldn’t move. He focused his eyes on the ceiling again, trying to awaken his mind, but he scrunched up his nose when a thought of his so-called boyfriend abruptly hit him. This wasn’t anything new. Despite his efforts to stay level-headed in his everyday life, his consciousness was still being drowned by thoughts of the other.

_You really got me fucked up, Lee Jinki, _Jonghyun silently accused as he inevitably relived their last conversation for the millionth time. He had felt so many things during and afterwards, that he couldn’t begin to process any of it. What always remained was frustration and confusion.

Feeling the anger fill him up again, he finally straightened up on the mattress, swinging his legs over the edge of their bed to get his mind off the brunette. But even as he started washing up, he couldn’t stop his inner monologue from feeding the furnace inside him.

_How dare you say I love you when you walked out on me thrice? _He internally raged as he started making his way back to his room to dress up. Rushing through the process, he finally made his way to the kitchen to get the coffee machine working. He would be damned if Jaehyeon arrived before he got himself in a better mood, and coffee always helped with that. A quick look at his phone had his shoulders relaxing. He still had a little over fifteen minutes left.

Whilst he waited for the coffee to finish brewing, he suddenly had a thought for his best friend. A pang of guilt unsettled his stomach as he realized how long they actually hadn’t talked. _Minho’s always there for me, but I can’t even do the same for him, _Jonghyun realized with utter disgust for himself. _Maybe I should call- _

The sound of the doorbell interrupted his thought, making him jump slightly. Jonghyun quickly took out a cup and filled it with the fresh coffee. Taking a few burning sips, he then slowly made his way to the front door.

‘’ Your favorite person in the world has finally arrived! ‘’ Jaehyeon chanted with a grin as soon as the door opened.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes before stepping back to let him in. The sudden whiff of food his nose caught as the taller one moved past him had any trace of annoyance leave him. After locking the door, he took the brown bag from the other’s hand. ‘’ Follow me, ‘’ he indicated before turning towards the kitchen.

‘’ Wait. ‘’

Jonghyun turned back only to see his friend staring at the bookshelf in the living room.

‘’ Don’t tell me you own that many books, this is insane, ‘’ Jaehyeon let out, a look of awe plastered on his face.

_Yup, I knew it. This was a mistake, _Jonghyun instantly thought before his mind started working to find the best way to respond. When Jaehyeon looked back at him, he found it. ‘’ Most of them are my roommate’s. ‘’

‘’ Oh, so there is someone else living here, ‘’ Jaehyeon mused.

His words rang with mischievousness, but Jonghyun paid it no mind. ‘’ Yeah, but he is out of town now, ‘’ he added, hoping it would squash the string of inquiries.

Jaehyeon pouted. ‘’ That’s too bad. ‘’

‘’ Unless you want to keep talking about someone who’s not there, I would suggest we get to eating, ‘’ Jonghyun squarely suggested before turning around.

The younger one chuckled as he followed the other into the kitchen. ‘’ Someone’s a little grumpy, ‘’ he teased as they stopped in front of the counter.

Getting a death stare, Jaehyeon held his hands up in defeat. ‘’ Okay, okay, no more teasing, ‘’ he promised as more laughter escaped his lips.

Jonghyun knew the other wouldn’t last long on his promise, but he was hoping that the food would provide enough distraction for a while.

‘’ What did you bring? ‘’ he asked after taking a few more sips from his cup.

‘’ I brought lasagna, ‘’ Jaehyeon answered, buzzing with excitement. ‘’ When you said warm food, I wasn’t sure what to bring, but then I came across this Italian restaurant and I was reminded of my love for lasagna, ‘’ he filled in.

‘’ I hope you don’t mind, ‘’ he immediately added, gaze searching for approval.

Jonghyun shook his head. ‘’ No, that’s great. I love lasagna too, ‘’ he reassured with a smile.

‘’ Great, ‘’ Jaehyeon acknowledged as he watched the other take the two dishes out.

A few minutes later, they were both seated at the dining table, taking a first bite out of their meal.

‘’ Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about, ‘’ Jaehyeon all but moaned through his mouthful.

Jonghyun reciprocated the feeling with a vigorous nod first before saying, ‘’ You did good, Jae. ‘’

‘’ Like always, ‘’ the younger one instantly replied with a wink.

Jonghyun shook his head, a smile cracking his lips despite him. ‘’ Why am I even friends with you? ‘’

‘’ You got your answer right there. I put a smile on your face, ‘’ Jaehyeon answered, prideful.

‘’ You’re too confident for your own good, ‘’ Jonghyun lightly reproved, still smiling.

The other shrugged. ‘’ That’s what gets me all the ladies. ‘’

Jonghyun couldn’t help but laugh at his friend’s antics. It was nice to be around someone who let everything out in the open; someone who was truly comfortable with himself.

‘’ Talking about ladies… ‘’ Jonghyun remembered. ‘’ Are you still seeing Seoyeon? ‘’ he inquired with some curiosity.

The sigh that left the other had Jonghyun cock an eyebrow, but he didn’t have to wait long for the explanation to come. ‘’ Yeah, kind of… I mean, I thought she was simple, but it turns out she’s rather hard to please, ‘’ Jaehyeon informed before filling his mouth again.

Jonghyun frowned before breaking into laughter. ‘’ You mean that she’s making you work for it, huh? ‘’

He knew he had guessed right when Jaehyeon scrunched up his nose at him. ‘’ Why not give something more serious a chance for once? ‘’ he kept on, knowing very well how the other would react.

Jaehyeon did not disappoint. ‘’ I’m still a baby, Jjong, ‘’ he exclaimed. ‘’ I need to live my life to the fullest before I even think about settling. ‘’

Jonghyun chuckled to himself before he went on to eat the rest of his food. By the time they both had cleared their plates, it was almost two in the afternoon.

Jaehyeon patted his stomach with a satisfied grin. ‘’ Damn, that was so good I could take a nap right now. ‘’

Jonghyun fought back a yawn as he mulled over the idea. ‘’ No naps. You still need to help me study, ‘’ he reminded.

‘’ Don’t worry, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon reassured. ‘’ Hook me up with some coffee and I’m all yours. ‘’

The other’s slick tone had Jonghyun rolling his eyes again. He got up and cleared the table before getting a fresh brew going again.

They finally got to the actual task at hand a few minutes later, having relocated in the living room, but they weren’t fifteen minutes in that the sound of the door getting unlocked had them both alert.

Before Jonghyun could even think of his next move, the door opened to reveal the intruder.

The surprised gaze that fell on him made his stomach flip.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki took a left turn, feeling his heart race inside his chest as he neared the apartment. Despite the constant reassuring words he had been telling himself, he still feared the risk of overstepping his boundaries. _What if he isn’t on campus? _The possibility had kept playing again and again in his mind in the last hour and now he was pretty close to feeling sick.

If Jinki could’ve had it any other way, he would never had put himself in such a stressful situation. But being the disorganized person that he was, he had forgotten some very important folders that he needed for work. The thought of calling Jonghyun beforehand had crossed his mind, but he had managed to convince himself not to do so, thinking that the chance of him actually being at the apartment at this hour was very slim. That confidence had withered with every mile he had added on the road and now that he was about to find himself in front of the apartment complex, he could feel a sense of dread clench his stomach.

_It’ll be alright, _Jinki told himself as he stepped out of his car two minutes later. He tried to shut his brain off as he made his way into the building and up the stairs to what he used to call home. Taking a deep breath, he finally took the finally steps that would bring him in front of the door. He stared at it for what felt like forever, palms getting sweatier with each passing second, before he finally snapped out of it and pulled out his key.

_Here we go. _He pushed it in the lock, turned it and grabbed the knob. He finally felt some confidence get back into him, but the feeling was very short-lived when Jonghyun met his line of sight a few seconds later.

He froze in the entrance as his eyes fell into widened hazel ones. _Shit. _His first instinct was to turn back and run away, but once his brain actually processed the fact that Jonghyun wasn’t alone, another instinct kicked in.

Jaw clenching, he asked, ‘’ Who is that? ‘’

That seemed to snap Jonghyun out of his shock. ‘’ That’s no-‘’

‘’ I am Jaehyeon, ‘’ the other interjected with a wide smile before bowing his head in his direction.

Jinki only felt more irritated as he instantly recognized his voice. His gaze went back to Jonghyun who was now scowling, but the other’s voice distracted him again.

‘’ And you must be the roommate? ‘’ Jaehyeon went on excitedly as if it were just a casual encounter.

_Roommate? _Jinki could feel the anger growing inside him. He turned back to push the door shut and allowed himself to step further inside. Fear had been trampled by something much more powerful.

He noticed the flash of fear that passed through Jonghyun’s eyes, but made light of it.

‘’ I guess you could say I’m the roommate since we sleep in the same bed, ‘’ Jinki blurted as all the muscles in his body tensed up.

Jaehyeon’s eyes grew big for a second before a nervous laugh left him. ‘’ Well it’s nice to meet you… Um… What was your name again? ‘’

Jinki played along despite his desire to obliterate the other’s existence. ‘’ I’m-‘’

‘’ Jinki. ‘’

Jonghyun’s stern tone had them both looking back at him. Jinki suddenly felt his pride shrivel up as the other’s dark expression suddenly reminded him why it had been such a big deal to come back here in the first place.

‘’ What are you doing here? ‘’ Jonghyun coldly asked.

Jinki froze once more, throat drying up. This wasn’t how things should have gone. He should’ve been able to get in and get out of the apartment without anyone knowing. This was definitely the worst of the worst-case scenarios imaginable.

‘’ I forgot some folders I need for work, ‘’ he indicated in an almost quiet tone.

‘’ Okay, go get them then, ‘’ Jonghyun deadpanned before turning towards his friend. ‘’ We should get back to studying. ‘’

The obvious shift between the way the brunette had just addressed him and the soft tone he had then used to talk to his friend had Jinki’s heart shatter into pieces. Feeling his eyes sting, he started moving fast, passing them before making it straight to their bedroom. The first tears started falling as soon as he closed the door before others joined in to completely blur his vision. He couldn’t begin to try calming himself down. If he had wanted any more proof that their relationship was in danger, this was definitely it.

Not able to uphold himself, he slid to the ground, his body shaking with sobs for what felt like an eternity. It was only after the eternity had passed did thoughts start emerging again, leaving him to mull over the only truth he had known for the past few months. With the renewed energy that gave him, he moved and started doing what he had come here for in the first place. He opened one particular drawer and instantly found what he was looking for.

_That should distract me for a while, _he settled as he sat on their bed.

But distract him it did not. He was mindlessly looking at the papers he had just taken out as the faint sound of conversation had him wandering elsewhere. He couldn’t make out anything that they were saying and that just added to his distress. A million questions were threatening to make him go crazy, making him itch to eavesdrop. He knew he wasn’t acting reasonably, but he just couldn’t help it. Jonghyun was his and his only.

He put down the papers he was holding, realizing there was no way he could get some work done here. Everything was too distracting. Not just what was going on a few meters from where he was, but also just the fact that he was back. He was back in their bedroom after almost two months and he was just realizing how much he had missed it. Without thinking, he grabbed the balled-up sheets that were near him and brought them to his nose. He felt his heart swell as he inhaled Jonghyun’s scent. Of all the amazing things that composed the man, his sweet and intoxicating scent was one of them. Jinki was sure it was why it was so hard for him to get a grip over himself whenever he was around him.

He knew his obsessive personality was also to blame for it, but he was reaching a whole new level of obsession. Just seeing Jonghyun with another man just now had made his blood boil with a rage he had rarely experienced.

_I should’ve kept my cool…_ He realized with a sigh as he put down the sheets. He knew he had no right to be possessive and demanding when he was the one who had put them in the situation in the first place, but he still didn’t want anyone to interfere. Especially not when it was a good-looking guy who he knew was good friends with Jonghyun.

That’s why he was standing his ground for as long as would be necessary. Even though what might follow might be ugly. But Jinki knew ugly. He had already written 5 books showcasing it. It didn’t make him any less scared, but he wasn’t going to back off. Not when doing that might make him lose the one he loved more than he could even start to comprehend. 

Jumping back into memories of their getaway last fall, Jinki settled back against the headboard, letting time pass. It felt almost too soon when the sound of a door being shut snapped him back to attention. He had a moment of panic as he thought that Jonghyun might’ve left too, but that went away when he heard footsteps getting closer and closer.

He instinctively rushed back to the edge of the bed and grabbed his papers again, doing so just a few seconds before Jonghyun opened the door. When he felt the latter’s gaze settle on him, he put on the act of lifting his head from his work as if he had been in a state of great concentration. 

Clearly, Jonghyun wasn’t having it, because the next thing he did was rip the papers out of his hands and tear them apart in a fury that left Jinki dumbfounded.

‘’ What the fuck is wrong with you? ‘’ Jonghyun snapped as he threw them on the floor.

Normally, a million answers would’ve come to Jinki’s mind, but right now, in that particular moment, he was too shocked to even have a thought. Jonghyun’s energy was just hanging in the space between them, stilling them both in their stance.

‘’ Jinki, ‘’ the latter broke in impatiently, ‘’ You better answer me right now before I kick your ass out of this apartment. ‘’

That shook Jinki out of his shock. ‘’ That’s not a very nice way to treat your roommate, ‘’ he scoffed as he crossed his arms over his chest. He felt a surge of confidence rise inside him when he chanced upon the veil of uneasiness that passed over the other’s features.

That only lasted a second before Jonghyun’s face hardened again. ‘’ What do you know about treating people nicely? ‘’ he sharply threw back, catching him off guard.

Jinki looked away, feeling crushed by the heavy truth in his words.

‘’ Last time I checked, leaving someone hanging out to dry wasn’t considered being nice. ‘’

Jonghyun spoke with spite, clearly trying to wound him, but Jinki’s mind cleverly ran elsewhere with that statement.

‘’ Is that why you’ve been bringing that dimwit into our home? ‘’ he impulsively questioned as his own internal furnace started heating up.

Jonghyun showed surprise for a brief moment, before regaining his footing. ‘’ I don’t know who you are calling a dimwit, but if by any chance you’re talking about Jaehyeon, well at least I know that he cares about me, ‘’ he replied in a strong tone.

Jinki took that for insolence, which only added to the fire. ‘’ Yeah, I can see that. He really seems to care about getting into your pants. ‘’

Jonghyun’s mouth fell open slightly. ‘’ What… ‘’ he slowly let out, confused. ‘’ You’ve only met the guy now, how-‘’

‘’ Yes, but I remember you talking about him a few times, ‘’ Jinki cut him off. ‘’ And then I heard you two on the radio the other day… Whether or not you’re playing into his game, I wouldn’t know, but I’m pretty sure my instincts are right about him, ‘’ he laid out, disgruntled.

‘’ I can’t believe this… ‘’ Jonghyun spoke out almost quietly. ‘’ You have no fucking idea what you are talking about, ‘’ he went on, raising his voice to make sure his words went through.

But unfortunately, Jinki had a thick skull. He rose to his feet and looked straight into the smaller one’s eyes, his expression, dark. ‘’ Jonghyun, I don’t want you seeing this guy anymore, ‘’ he firmly ordered.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened with what felt to Jinki like fear and surprise, before they glinted with something more subtle, but not subtle enough that the taller one didn’t have time to catch it.

‘’ Who are you? ‘’ Jonghyun asked as he backed away immediately.

Jinki answered by stepping closer, letting his gaze dance over Jonghyun’s pretty but strong features. He felt his heart flutter inside his chest when they locked eyes once more. ‘’ I’m your boyfriend, ‘’ he softly said against him, breath tickling his cheek. 

Jonghyun’s eyes closed before opening again, the clench of his jaw visible. ‘’ You can’t just decide that again. ‘’

Jinki didn’t feel threatened by that show of resistance. Jonghyun’s tone had lost some of its fire.

‘’ Didn’t you say that we weren’t over? ‘’ he reminded, gaze searching for his.

‘’ Yes, but I also said that I wasn’t ready to see you yet, ‘’ Jonghyun completed as his eyes stayed fixed on a square of fabric from the other’s black shirt.

‘’ I can’t leave knowing that some other guy might be keeping you company in our bed, ‘’ Jinki shared in the small space left between them. When Jonghyun still didn’t look back at him, he softly lifted his chin up with a finger, finally meeting his beautiful hazel eyes once more. The turmoil he read in them made his stomach flip. ‘’ I can’t leave if I’m not sure you’re still mine. ‘’

‘’ Jinki, there’s no- ‘’ Jonghyun let out a soft gasp as Jinki’s body pressed against his. He could feel himself get weak in the knees and light in the head just by that bit of proximity. It had been too long.

‘’ Jinki, please… ‘’ Jonghyun all but whined as he begged with every fiber of his body that the other would listen.

‘’ Please what? ‘’ Jinki asked, naturally feeding into the tension.

_Stop. _That’s what he had meant to say, but a totally different answer came out despite him. ‘’ You know what… ‘’

A low chuckle escaped Jinki, unknowingly sending a shiver down Jonghyun’s spine. ‘’ Remember the first time you said that to me? ‘’

Jonghyun frowned at the other before the heat of a blush colored his cheeks as his mind retrieved the memory. Looking away, he said, ‘’ Yeah… ‘’

‘’ I knew how wrong it was to bring you back home with me that night, but I restrained myself and didn’t overstep my boundaries, ‘’ Jinki recollected. ‘’ But that was then, ‘’ he added as he slid his arms around the other’s small waist and pressed his lips against his right ear. It took him everything not to slam Jonghyun against the door behind them when he felt him shiver against him.

‘’ Now there is nothing stopping me from having you, is there? ‘’ He dropped his voice a few octaves to make sure it struck the right chord.

Jonghyun’s shaky breath was all the answer he needed. He made those pink plump lips his again, instantly earning him a soft sigh. A moan escaped his own lips as Jonghyun placed a hand behind his neck and kissed him back harder. Jinki felt like a drug addict who hadn’t had a fix in days and who was finally getting it.

He ran his tongue over the younger’s bottom lip, showing that he needed more. Jonghyun instantly granted him access, opening his mouth for him, sighing into him in a way that made Jinki feel like everything was right in the world. He kissed him with everything he had, because he couldn’t kiss him any other way, but also to show him that this was it for him. This moment right here, it was everything.

He finally pulled away, looking straight into eyes that were now glazed with lust. Jonghyun looked so beautiful in that very moment that Jinki was suddenly scared his heart would give out. He wanted to tell him again that he loved him and that he was so, so, so sorry, but there was too big of a chance that those words would ruin the moment.

Instead, he was going to do the only thing he could do. Imprint his touch on Jonghyun’s body. Make him remember why he was the only one who mattered. Softly dragging Jonghyun towards their bed, he pushed him down not far from the edge. The other’s utter compliance comforted him to go on. He settled between the younger one’s legs and started undoing his pants, the latter instinctively lifting his hips to help the pants and briefs slide down. They pooled around his ankles, leaving Jonghyun open for Jinki to have.

The older one looked back up to find his eyes again and saw the glimmer of hesitation in his expressive brown eyes. Jinki tried to silence any worry the other might have by softly caressing his thigh. He then broke contact to initiate a bolder one. He carefully took Jonghyun into his mouth, giving the head a first suck. Another soft sigh instantly fell from the younger’s parted lips as he instinctively gripped his dark hair. Jinki went on, running his tongue from the base to the tip before taking Jonghyun further into his mouth.

‘’ Jinki…’’ Jonghyun gasped as he threw his head back slightly.

Jinki complied to the silent request by moving slowly around his length, making sure that every flick of his tongue and bob of his head were hitting Jonghyun’s sweet spot. The latter’s increasing moans gave him enough indication, making him take him deeper.

Jonghyun’s hips rose in response, making him inadvertently hit the back of Jinki’s throat with the head of his dick. Jinki pulled back slightly, nostrils flaring, before taking him deeper once more, accommodating himself to his full length.

Jinki felt a sense of pride swell in his chest as his name came out of Jonghyun’s mouth between soft pants. He hummed around him, sucking hard, feeling a dull pain in his scalp as Jonghyun tightened his grip even more.

‘’ Jinki, I-I’m… ‘’ Jonghyun’s breath caught in his throat as his face twisted in pleasure.

Jinki only had to work him a few more seconds before he spilled in his mouth, voice straining on the long moan he let out as his orgasm washed over him. Jinki drank him in with a low moan of his own, getting intoxicated with his taste, before he finally pulled away.

Jonghyun shivered as he watched his wet and spent cock slip from the other’s mouth. ‘’ Jinki, ‘’ he whined as he moved a hand to his arm, gently tugging on it.

Jinki moved upwards to face Jonghyun again. ‘’ Yes, baby? ‘’ he affectionately asked as his head still floated in the clouds.

Jonghyun’s cheeks turned a pale shade of red again as they locked eyes. ‘’ Can we… ‘’ He stopped himself, feeling even more embarrassed.

Jinki saved him the trouble by kissing him softly before looking at him. _You are going to be the end of me. _‘’ I want to… so bad… but…‘’ It was now Jinki’s turn to stop himself, struck by a sudden warning thought.

‘’ What? ‘’ Jonghyun voiced with barely concealed impatience.

‘’ You have to promise me…‘’ Jinki finally started after pushing down his feeling of guilt.

‘’ Promise you what? ‘’ Jonghyun echoed, clinging to his every word.

‘’ That no one is going to come between us. ‘’


	8. Nothing else matters. [Flashback Part VI]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for abusive behaviour.

‘’ I love you. ‘’ The words came out as a soft breath against the other’s ear as nails lightly raked over his back.

‘’ Jinki… ‘’ Jonghyun whined as the brunette’s dick pressed against his hole, not pushing in just yet. His nails dug deeper into his skin and his legs wrapped tighter around his waist, his breath catching in his throat and his heart fluttering as every nerve fired up under the other’s touches.

A first thrust brought their voices together in a harmonized moan, making them close their eyes as the sensation overwhelmed them.

There was a pause before Jinki’s lips travelled downwards to the crook of Jonghyun’s neck and he snapped his hips forward again, burying a few more inches of himself inside his lover. He relished the strained groan that broke from the other’s lips and dug his teeth into the soft skin his lips were faced with.

‘’ J-Jinki… ‘’ Jonghyun gasped, eyes shut and body shaking. He groaned again as hands grabbed his thighs and split him open a little more, making room for the last few inches to disappear inside him.

A shiver ran down Jinki’s spine as his chest heaved, mind blown and heart pulsing through every fiber of his body from the slick and warm tightness that was Jonghyun. He found Jonghyun’s eyes again as he lifted his head. They were hooded with pleasure and what Jinki could only hope was also love.

Stomach coiling from the overwhelming sight, he said, ‘’ You are everything to me… ‘’

Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat as he looked back into his warm chocolate eyes. Before he could say anything, his lips were claimed with a soft kiss. He moaned and returned it more fiercely, arms wrapping around the brunette’s neck.

The latter deepened the kiss with his tongue, swallowing the soft sounds that were coming from the one beneath him as he let it glide against his and toyed with it with an ease that came from the incommensurable number of kisses they had shared.

‘’ I’d do anything for you, baby… I swear… ‘’ Jinki said as he pulled away just before making the pink lips facing him his again.

Jonghyun’s answer got lost once more in the sweet pleasure of being kissed so passionately and having a big erect cock buried deep inside him. He wriggled his butt a bit to get more pleasure, more satiation from this long-awaited moment.

Impatience bordering on desperation, he broke the kiss, cock twitching as he saw the line of spit still connecting their lips.

‘’ Jinki… fuck me… ‘’ he begged, breath heavy and muscles tense.

Jinki groaned as he felt Jonghyun clench tightly around his dick, awakening the painful predicament in which it was. He could only oblige as he stared at the masterpiece that was Jonghyun’s flushed face, eyes still shining and swollen lips slightly parted.

He moved slowly, not so much to tease, but to keep some kind of control over himself. Having sex with Jonghyun always had him feeling like everything was too much, like he wouldn’t make it. And after going without it for so long, that feeling was that much stronger.

Chocolate eyes still locked with hazel ones, he pulled out almost completely before pushing himself whole inside his tight ass.

Jonghyun let out a strangled moan as he felt his hole stretch out again to accommodate his lover’s impressive girth. A flash of pain shot through his backside, making him bite down on his lip as his hands fisted the sheets beneath them.

Jinki waited, hand snaking down the lines of the other’s defined chest and stomach before his fingers curled around his cock in a tight grip. He squeezed.

A cry left Jonghyun’s mouth, splitting his lips apart again. He closed his eyes as Jinki jerked him off, his soft but strong hand caressing him up and down in the most satisfying but painful way.

‘’ Baby… ‘’ he moaned, chest heaving. ‘’ Fuck… ‘’

Jinki swallowed hard as he watched Jonghyun come undone before him. Without realizing, his hand picked up speed and he watched with surprise as a few seconds later cum spurted out of Jonghyun’s dick, thick and warm on his hand, his name leaving the other’s mouth in the sexiest voice.

His cock twitched again painfully as the knot in his lower stomach tightened, making his need to reach his own release that much more unbearable. His hand left Jonghyun’s spent manhood to reach his lips.

Jonghyun grabbed it and sucked on his soiled fingers, tasting himself unabashedly, eyes flicking upwards to catch the brunette’s gaze as he licked his hand clean.

Jinki shivered, sure at this point that Jonghyun was going to be the end of him. He was okay with it though and as soon as he retrieved his hand, he started moving again, snapping his hips back and forth more smoothly, going in and out of Jonghyun as if his tight hole was his salvation.

It was a few thrusts later that a sudden high-pitched cry let him know that he had just found the other’s sweet spot. Bending the latter’s body almost in half, he fucked him just right to reach that spot with every hard thrust, not failing to notice that his dick was regaining some of its fullness.

‘’ Fuck… Jinki… ‘’ Jonghyun choked out, eyes fluttering, as he was slammed back into the high peaks of pleasure.

Jinki could only moan. It felt good, so good that he knew he wouldn’t last long. He lowered his panting and sweaty self some more onto Jonghyun’s equally sweaty body and kissed him again.

Jonghyun welcomed him fully, letting his tongue fall subservient to his dominating one. His hands found his strong back again as his heels also dug into it. ‘’ Fuck, baby… you feel so good… ‘’ he whined as Jinki’s head fell beside his on the pillow. Jonghyun held him tighter as a luscious groan filled his ear.

‘’ Mmm, baby, you’re close, aren’t you? ‘’ He felt as Jinki’s thrusts became shallower, but faster. A muffled whimper gave him all the answer he needed.

‘’ Jinki… ‘’ Jonghyun kissed the brunette’s temple. ‘’ Cum for me, I need you… ‘’

Jinki shivered against him and straightened up a bit to meet the other’s beautiful eyes as his hips slapped against his ass once more.

Jonghyun moaned, loving how Jinki was abusing his hole, leaving his body overly sensitive and wired. He pulled him in for another kiss as his hand slid between them, fingers brushing against the broader chest on top of him along the way.

Another moan broke from his lips as he started jerking himself off to find another orgasm in the pool of pleasure that they were drowning into. It wasn’t long before he felt himself reach that peak again, but before he could, Jinki gave another particularly harsh thrust that had his body shifting even more on the bed.

‘’ Oh fuck, I’m… ‘’ Jinki stilled, body tense like a drawn bow as he came hard and deep inside him.

Jonghyun whined as he was filled up by his man’s thick and warm seed, sensation that took the breath out of him for a split second and had him tipping over the edge once more without another touch needed.

Not able to hold himself up anymore, Jinki fell on top of Jonghyun’s smaller body, trapping him into place.

Their chests met as they heaved, their hectic pattern of breathing slowly starting to even out as they came down the ladder that had brought them to pleasure’s peak. Jonghyun’s arms came around Jinki’s back, hugging him close and tight before one of his hands travelled up to the nape of his neck to give it a soothing caress with his thumb.

In this state of afterglow, everything was right. Everything was peaceful. It was just them, being one.

Jinki was still as a rock, relishing Jonghyun’s warmth and softness after what had felt like an eternity spent apart. He only dared move to plant a light kiss on the other’s cheek, then moving his lips down a little lower, not missing the slight tremor he felt against him as he did so. His full lips followed the line from his jaw to the crook of his neck, teeth joining in to give a light bite as he finally met the curve of his shoulder.

‘’ J-Jinki. ‘’ Jonghyun’s breath hitched as the hand he had behind the other’s neck met with his soft hair to give it a sharp tug. ‘’ Please… ‘’

The plea was clear and so was the exhaustion in his voice. Jinki’s body moved slowly, feeling all the plains and dips of the body under his until their eyes were meeting again. His heart flipped inside its cage as sleepy but distraught eyes looked back at him.

‘’ What is it, Jjongie? ‘’ Jinki inquired as the sight had his hips moving forward again.

The pretty eyes he had been looking into disappeared as a whine broke past the brunette’s plump lips.

Smaller hands found his shoulders, trying to get a hold over him. ‘’ J-Jinki… I’m… you’re… ‘’

His cute failure to express a clear thought had a low chuckle rumbling in Jinki’s chest, not helping at all in the smaller one’s predicament. ‘’ Baby, what are you saying? ‘’ he pressed as he couldn’t help but roll his hips once more.

Jonghyun clenched around him with a groan, his throbbing and overstimulated hole trapping him as best as he could. ‘’ Stop that, ‘’ he ordered with a voice that managed not to waver despite the quickening of his heart rate and the soft pang of pleasure in his core.

A soft, breathy laugh left Jinki this time before he complied with a nod and lowered himself on the other. He was tempted to move his hips again, but he instead went for a kiss, bringing their lips into a quiet, soft and wet dance that lasted longer than their lungs would’ve probably normally handled.

Jinki finally pulled away first, Jonghyun’s panting mirroring his own.

‘’ Fine, let’s get some rest, ‘’ he settled as he finally felt the own weight of his exhaustion settling in his muscles.

Jonghyun winced as Jinki pulled out slowly, leaving a trail of wetness on the sheets when the head popped out of his hole. A soft thump followed as Jinki let himself fall right beside him on their mattress. He knew he should’ve gotten up to pick up towels, so they could wipe themselves clean, but he was just too tired now. And from the stillness of the body he glimpsed at, he could tell that Jonghyun was too.

Nonetheless, an arm soon found his chest and a soft hand laid right over his heart, making it instantly flutter. Jonghyun pulled on the last strings of energy left in him to bring himself closer and snuggle up to the man he had missed so much. When he felt like their bodies couldn’t be closer to one another, he closed his eyes, finally giving his weary head a rest. A foreign thought about his planned afternoon of studying came to mind, but he didn’t let it cross the border of his need for peace and quiet.

Jinki was here, with him, and right now that was all that mattered.

***

But soon, Jonghyun realized that it wasn’t all that really mattered.

The intensity of their moment together had blinded him to the actual issues in their relationship, which had him asking for Jinki to come back home, to be with him again, soon after they had woken up.

A wide, honest smile had made him swoon even more and soon they had found themselves in the throes of pleasure again, their longing for each other knowing no satisfaction. The only thing that had been important enough to break them apart was Jonghyun’s radio show. He had remembered in time that he had one in a little more than an hour, the realization making him rise from their bed in panic.

In an effort to soothe him, Jinki had offered to bring him there with his car before going back to his father’s to get his belongings. Jonghyun had mentally acknowledged that piece of information with relief, comforting any worries he had related to the other’s whereabouts.

Thus, they had found themselves in the elder’s car twenty-something minutes later, the latter driving a little faster than usual to make sure his boyfriend would have time to set up before he actually went on air. It was a 15-minute ride, but Jonghyun felt like it had lasted an hour, because of how stressed out the prospect of being late always made him.

A long exhale had left his lips as the car finally parked in front of the campus. After a quick goodbye kiss, Jonghyun had jumped out of the car and had started running towards the entrance.

It was only now as he was making his way up the stairs to the hallway leading to the studio he borrowed that the error of his ways suddenly hit him. He had just completely gotten rid of his pride again just to satisfy his immediate need. He was supposed to have been the one in control, the one setting the terms to how they would resume their shared life together, but all that had crumbled the minute Jinki had… well that Jinki had been Jinki.

A shiver ran down his spine as he pondered that realization, but the course of his worries and fears was cut short as a familiar figure came into his line of vision when he neared the studio.

‘’ Jjongie! ‘’ Jaehyeon greeted with his never-ending supply of enthusiasm. 

Jonghyun couldn’t reciprocate. First, because being that vibrant wasn’t his style, but secondly, because he was suddenly embarrassed by what his friend had had to endure earlier. Despite his best efforts to go on with their studying session, he had had to dismiss his friend quite rapidly as he hadn’t been able to keep his mind off the other’s arrival and his behaviour and had soon realized that the latter wasn’t actually leaving as he should have. 

And now he didn’t know what to say.

‘’ Jae… ‘’ Jonghyun said, his voice awkward as he finally stopped in front of him. 

The tall brunette smiled at him, the same way he always did. ‘’ Did you manage to study on your own? ‘’

Jonghyun cleared his throat a bit as unease tightened it. ‘’ No, not really… ‘’

Eluding his friend’s gaze, he took out the key to the studio from his pocket and opened the door. He felt his friend following closely behind as he entered and felt himself tense up even more.

‘’ Jae… I need to start preparing for the show… ‘’ he quickly explained as he walked over to the mixing console. Indeed, he did have to focus for the few minutes he had left since he hadn’t had the time to come up with any subjects for this episode.

‘’ I know. That’s why I’m here. ‘’

Jonghyun’s gaze went straight to his friend, eyes glowing with surprise. ‘’ What? ‘’

The other was still smiling. ‘’ Am I wrong to assume you didn’t really have time to prepare for this one? ‘’

His words hinted towards something more, but Jonghyun didn’t bite.

‘’ You are not wrong… ‘’ He sighed. ‘’ I really need to get my shit together, ‘’ he voiced more for himself than for the other.

‘’ I’ll gladly help you out anyway I can, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly reassured. ‘’ Just tell me what to do. ‘’

Jonghyun’s shoulders relaxed at once, comforted by the fact that everything didn’t have to actually rest on them.

‘’ Would you mind… doing the show with me? ‘’ He quietly asked, his gaze expectant, but also fearful. For his friend had now gotten a glimpse of another side of him and of his life and he was ashamed of it.

‘’ Why are you looking at me like that? ‘’ Jaehyeon laughed off. ‘’ Of course, I’d love to. ‘’

Jonghyun searched his friend’s face for a lie, but he found none, making him feel a bit more relaxed once more.

‘’ Well… first things first… what could we talk about? ‘’ he mused as a hand came up to rest on his chin and the distance between his brows decreased.

‘’ Well… ‘’ the younger one echoed. ‘’ As a matter of fact… I was thinking before that we could talk about us. ‘’

The crease between his brows deepened even more as he looked at his friend. ‘’ Us? ‘’

‘’ Yeah, ‘’ Jaehyeon acknowledged with a grin. ‘’ It’s your show obviously, but I think last time we proved we had a good dynamic and it would be fun to ask each other questions that would allow the audience to know a little more about who is behind their favorite radio show. ‘’

Jonghyun tilted his head a bit as he pondered the suggestion. ‘’ What kind of questions? ‘’

‘’ Oh all kinds like… What was the last book you read? What’s your favorite childhood memory? ‘’

‘’ I hope you have more up your sleeve, because you’re not asking me these two on air, ‘’ Jonghyun replied categorically.

Jaehyeon hesitated for a second, wondering if he should press the issue or drop it. The seriousness he read in his friend’s eyes told him it was better to go with the latter.

‘’ Fine. I came with a list that has at least 50, ‘’ he indicated as he pulled out a folded paper from his jeans’ right pocket. ‘’ You can give them a look first, just to be sure. ‘’

Jonghyun looked at the time. There was approximately five minutes left before they had to go live. He grabbed the paper from his friend’s hand.

‘’ Can you set everything up while I check it out? ‘’ he asked, being mindful of his tone. He couldn’t hide from the fact that letting people in had always been scary to him. He could talk about himself when he was giving advice, but to have questions asked directly about him or about his life… That was a whole different ball game…

Nonetheless, he wasn’t totally closed to the idea of revealing a little more about himself to his listeners. They had accompanied him along this journey, some since the beginning, and had shown an incommensurable amount of love for his show. And he had never quite felt as if he was giving them back what they deserved.

Maybe this was a way…

His eyes scanned the sheet, his mind taking a mental picture of the ones he definitely felt more comfortable with. Before he could go through them all, he realized his friend should know which ones were safe and which ones weren’t. He quickly took a pen on his desk and put a star besides the ones he okayed and an _x_ besides the ones he didn’t.

He managed to go through all questions right before the show started. Settling in his chair, right in front of his mic, he put his headphones on and took a deep breath. He caught the wink his friend gave him and felt his nerves settle a bit.

A few seconds later, they were on air and even though Jonghyun had started out more tense and nervous than usual, his friend’s ease and innate ability to pull out a reaction from him almost had him forgetting that they were conducting a radio show and not just having one of their usual back-and-forths.

As they started going through the questions, Jonghyun realized how little they had in common which had them arguing any time either of them answered one.

‘’ How can you like rain? ‘’ Jaehyeon all but shrieked for the second time when Jonghyun reaffirmed his love for rainy days.

‘’ How can you not? The world seems to slow down when it rains, everything becomes so peaceful, ‘’ Jonghyun calmly reiterated.

‘’ Yeah, it slows down, ‘cause no one can’t see a damn thing and it’s too depressing to want to do anything, ‘’ Jaehyeon fired back as if they were talking about a matter of the highest importance.

‘’ Well I prefer to see the beauty in everything, so that’s that. ‘’

‘’ You’re crazy… ‘’

‘’ And you’re painfully typical, but you don’t see me complaining about it, ‘’ Jonghyun retorted, the corners of his lips itching to break into a smirk.

Jaehyeon frowned before his lips curled into a pout of defeat, making his elder explode with laughter.

‘’ You guys, I think I actually managed to achieve the impossible. I made Jaehyeon shut up, ‘’ he guffawed as his eyes narrowed to thin crescents.

Jaehyeon mumbled something about the sun being unbeatable before crossing his arms in an exaggerated show of his sulking.

Despite his lingering resolve to show that he was mad, Jaehyeon returned to being his expressive and loud self in the matter of seconds as they finally agreed on something, which was that sleeping naked was the best thing in the world.

The show went on smoothly like that, their bantering and occasional agreeing only getting broken by a few bouts of them reading some of the listeners’ comments. Jonghyun was pleased to see that they were once more enjoying their dynamic and appreciating the little facts they were learning along the way.

As Jaehyeon said his parting words, Jonghyun looked at him, a sweet smile dancing on his lips. Despite what had happened today, his friend had showed up and made everything so much easier for him. And for that, he was beyond grateful.

The studio fell silent as soon as they went off air, the two showrunners linking eyes and sharing a smile.

‘’ Thank you, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun said as a warm feeling filled him.

Jaehyeon’s smile grew wider. ‘’ It’s my pleasure, Jjong. ‘’

With that said, they got up from their chairs, put everything back in order and left the studio after making sure the door was locked. It wasn’t long before they were both passing through the campus’ main door, both of them instantly shivering as the cold of the night seized their well covered bodies.

‘’ Do you need a lift or something? ‘’ Jaehyeon immediately asked.

‘’ I wouldn’t say no, I’m already freezing my butt off out here, ‘’ the older one replied before his teeth chattered.

‘’ What butt? ‘’

Jonghyun glared at his friend as the latter laughed at what he felt was a witty remark. Giving him a light push on the arm, he said, ‘’ I don’t need a butt to kick your ass. ‘’

‘’ Careful now, will your foot even reach my butt, I mean… ‘’

A loud shout left the taller one as Jonghyun put his warning into action. He pleasantly watched as his friend rubbed his aching bottom and whined.

‘’ Serves you right, ‘’ he quietly said with a satisfied smile before starting to walk towards the parking lot.

He heard his friend follow in tow, right behind him, mumbling to himself until they reached his car.

A few minutes later, Jaehyeon had the car hitting the road, giving them a moment of comfortable silence as their bodies grew warmer. Jonghyun used that moment to look outside the window and enjoy the always calming sight of empty streets at night.

His mind was only taken away from its meditative state when his friend’s voice resonated into the confined space they were in.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow as he stared at the troubled expression that followed the uttering of his name.

‘’ Are you okay? ‘’ the other asked as his gaze stayed fixed ahead of him, hands keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel.

Jonghyun’s body reacted before his mind, his chest instantly tightening with unease and his eyes flicking downwards towards his legs.

‘’ Yes, I’m fine, ‘’ he answered a few seconds later as the question was finally encoded by his brain.

‘’ Why? ‘’ he then added, curious but nervous to know what his friend was specifically referring to. His eyes flicked back up to his friend’s face as he waited for his answer.

Jaehyeon sighed. ‘’ I know you’re not one to lay out your personal business, but after what happened earlier, I just wanted to make sure that you know… you were okay. ‘’

The palpable discomfort that weighed his friend’s words made Jonghyun even more anxious.

‘’ Jae… don’t beat around the bush, ‘’ he pressed. ‘’ Just say what’s on your mind. ‘’

Another sigh left the younger one. A red light finally gave him the chance to meet the brunette’s eyes, letting his concern show even more. ‘’ It’s just that… your boyfriend seemed to want to annihilate me at first glance and then the way your face changed when you talked to him… I … ‘’ Jaehyeon looked back to the road as the light turned green again. ‘’ I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that angry. ‘’

Jonghyun swallowed hard as his already present fear lumped in his throat. It took him a few moments to gather himself, but his voice finally pierced through.

‘’ Jae, I… I wanted to apologize for what you had to endure earlier… ‘’ He paused, thinking carefully of what he would say next. ‘’ As I had told you before, ‘’ he then continued. ‘’ Things are complicated and… there was a lot of tension between us so what you saw was kind of the culmination of that… ‘’

Jonghyun swallowed again. ‘’ We were both running on emotion and I’m sure Jinki regrets just as much as I do how he treated you. ‘’

His eyes shifted away from the blank spot he had been staring at to look at his friend once more.

‘’ I’m really sorry, Jae, ‘’ he apologized, silently hoping his words would be enough to put the whole ordeal behind them.

The car took a turn at the next stop, grabbing Jaehyeon’s focus for a few seconds before he was able to reply.

‘’ It’s alright, Jjong. I don’t really mind how I was treated, what I care about is that you’re not hurting, ‘’ he finally said.

Jonghyun stayed silent, eyes still on his friend. He wasn’t sure how to react to such a serious version of him.

‘’ You don’t have to worry so much, Jae… I’m fine… ‘’ he tried to reassure despite his trouble.

‘’ I hope so… ‘’ Jaehyeon sighed.

A heavy and uncomfortable silence fell again, both passengers in the car being weighed down by their thoughts and feelings. Jonghyun wanted to find the right thing to say to make everything right, but his repeated effort to do so failed.

What made the moment that much more distressing for him was that Jaehyeon didn’t utter another word for the rest of the car ride and that lingering silence was also not something he knew how to react to.

It was only when the car stopped in front of his apartment complex that the time came for words again.

Their eyes finally locked, heightening the awkwardness that had built up in and around them.

‘’ Take care, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon said first as he gave him a small smile.

‘’ Jae… ‘’ Jonghyun immediately uttered as panic stabbed him in the chest. ‘’ I don’t want things to change between us, ‘’ he went on, not minding the desperation in his tone. He hadn’t fully realized it until now, but what they had had been a pivotal piece to his well-being in the last few months.

And he wasn’t ready to let go of that zone of comfort, that little window of normalcy.

‘’ That won’t happen, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon immediately replied. ‘’ You’re my only friend and one of the greatest people I’ve met in my life. I don’t want to lose you, ‘’ he admitted, gaze never wavering.

The sincerity he could feel in his friend’s tone soothed Jonghyun a bit, but he knew what was said now, could change later on. Despite his lingering fears, he nodded and softened his rigid expression with a smile.

‘’ Thanks for the lift, Jae, ‘’ he then said before putting a hand on the car door handle.

A melodious _see you soon _left him as he opened the door, smiling back as his friend reciprocated. He watched the latter leave right after he shut it close, leaving him to wonder if things would really be okay between them. He knew he was probably worrying too much over this, but he couldn’t help but feel like something had or was going to change.

That ominous feeling weighed in his chest all the way to the apartment, erasing any other thought he could’ve had at that moment.

It was only when he finally made his way inside and was hit by the silence in the apartment that he suddenly remembered that his friendship with Jaehyeon wasn’t the only relationship that was on shaky ground.

***

‘’ Jinki? ‘’ Jonghyun called out in a strained voice as panic pumped through his veins once more.

No answer.

Quickly getting rid of his outdoor clothing and his boots, he then started taking more steps forward, the overwhelming feeling of dread he had experienced too many times already instantly seizing him.

He passed by the empty kitchen and living room and slowly made his way through the hallway, hoping he wouldn’t find the other rooms lifeless either. He went straight for their bedroom first, thinking to himself that maybe, just maybe, Jinki had already gone to bed.

In bed he was, back against the headboard, Jonghyun saw as he finally pushed the door open, but the expression on his face was far from serene.

Lit cigarette pinched between his lips, Jinki glared at him as if he had been waiting to do so all his life.

Jonghyun looked back at him with eyes that were glinting with confusion and fear. ‘’ Since when do you smoke in our bedroom? ‘’ was the first thing he thought to ask.

Jinki’s frown creased deep between his brows as he held his gaze and took another puff. He only broke their eye lock to crush the last bit of his cigarette in the ashtray he had left on the nightstand besides their bed.

‘’ We’re free individuals, aren’t we? ‘’ he finally replied, words simmering with held back anger.

Their eyes met again, leaving Jonghyun even more confused and fearful. ‘’ What the hell are you talking about? ‘’

Jinki snorted. ‘’ I don’t know… you tell me. ‘’

Jonghyun stared back at his lover with bewildered eyes as his mind searched for whatever the other was referring to.

It was a few seconds before he gave up the search. ‘’ I really don’t understand. We were not fighting before I left, I just did-

Jonghyun shut his mouth as he was hit with realization. His heart sank as he kept staring at the other’s hardened expression, knowing this conversation was going to be a handful. 

‘’ Just say what’s bothering you, ‘’ he squarely requested to not show how unnerved he was right this instant.

Jinki’s pent up frustration translated into a short sigh before he gathered himself enough to speak.

‘’ I thought we were on the same page…. ‘’ he uttered in what to Jonghyun’s surprise was a quiet and controlled voice.

‘’ We are, Jinki, ‘’ Jonghyun immediately assured.

Jinki searched his eyes, but Jonghyun didn’t waver, knowing very well he had nothing to reproach himself in that regard.

‘’ So what was that earlier? ‘’ the older one asked as the source of his anger replayed in his head. ‘’ Is that your way of taking revenge on me for leaving? ‘’ he went on, voice growing louder with every word.

Jonghyun’s mouth fell open as he took in what was being thrown at him. ‘’ Revenge? ‘’ he slowly repeated before his mind was snapped back to the implication at hand.

‘’ I don’t know what about the radio show has gotten you so upset, but I can assure you that it had nothing to do with you. ‘’

‘’ So you were just genuinely flirting with him on air then? ‘’ Jinki sharply threw back.

‘’ What? ‘’ Jonghyun all but cried out.

‘’ It was an ongoing teasing fest, ‘’ Jinki almost yelled. ‘’ You even had the audacity to talk with him about how great it is to sleep naked. ‘’

His voice rang loudly in the otherwise silent room, its reverberations stiffening them both into their respective spots.

But Jonghyun wasn’t just tense, he was paralyzed by what he had just heard. He could feel Jinki’s eyes on him, but he wasn’t really looking back. It was as if he had just been punched in the head, leaving him dazed and whacked out of his consciousness. 

He didn’t know how much time passed before he slowly came back to himself, but it didn’t matter. Because he had nothing more to say.

Despite still being a little stunned, he turned on his heel and left the room hastily, almost making a run for the front door. He was unfortunately not quick enough and was soon stopped by a firm hand grasping his arm.

Before he could protest or wring himself free, he was forcefully turned around, bringing him to a close distance from the one who was standing a few inches taller than him.

‘’ Where do you think you’re going? ‘’ Jinki growled under his breath.

Jonghyun felt fear claw at his insides at the other’s unrelenting wrath, but he wasn’t about to let it show.

‘’ Let me go, ‘’ he ordered as he tried to pull his arm away.

Jinki retaliated with a stronger grasp that had his knuckles turning white. ‘’ So I was right, huh? ‘’

Jonghyun winced at the corkscrew hold the other had on him, the pain awakening his fighting instincts.

‘’ You’re fucking crazy, ‘’ he roared before pushing hard on the other’s chest with his free hand.

He watched as Jinki slightly lost his balance, giving him the chance to finally retrieve his arm and put some much needed distance between them.

‘’ What has gotten into you? ‘’ Jonghyun snapped as his chest heaved from the ruckus his body was being subjected to.

Jinki’s jaw clenched, fingers closing into tight fists. ‘’ You promised that no one would come between us, ‘’ he reminded, hissing.

‘’ Yeah, and no one is, ‘’ Jonghyun stroke back fiercely. ‘’ You’re just imagining things. There is nothing going on between Jae and I. ‘’

A heavy silence followed and reigned for a while in the empty space that was left between them, both of them thinking about their next move.

In the process, the tension dropped a bit and the fiery anger that was burning inside of them soon turned into embarrassment for one and into exhaustion for the other.

‘’ Why are you being like this, Jinki? ‘’ the latter sighed as he held on with one hand to the futon nearby.

Those words were enough for Jinki to feel beyond remorseful, the emotion spreading through his chest before growing into a lump in his throat.

‘’ I don’t want to lose you, ‘’ he croaked as his eyes darted to the floor.

‘’ I’m not going anywhere, ‘’ Jonghyun reassured. The sadness he could read on the brunette’s face as the latter looked downwards pushed him to start moving forward, every slow step he took bringing him closer to the other.

‘’ Jinki… ‘’ Jonghyun softly called out when only a few inches remained between them. The other’s unresponsiveness had him reacting on impulse, a finger sliding under his chin to lift it up, so their eyes could meet again.

Jonghyun instantly caught the glint of fear in the darker irises his paler ones were plunged into, making his urge to make it disappear that much stronger.

‘’ Despite… everything… ‘’ he carefully chose, ‘’ I’m still here. ‘’ 

Jinki stayed silent and still, the only sign of his receptiveness being the softening of his gaze.

‘’ I’m yours, Jinki, ‘’ Jonghyun continued, voice almost down to a whisper, as he leaned a bit closer, his soft and warm breath hitting the side of the taller one’s face, making the latter shiver. ‘’ And no one is going to change that, ‘’ he affirmed as his heart started racing.

Jinki acknowledged his words with a nod, the speed of his own heart rate unknowingly matching the one of his lover’s.

‘’ You just have to believe it, ‘’ Jonghyun finished, gaze digging into his, before he brought a hand up to caress his cheek.

Jinki’s throat tightened as everything suddenly came crashing down on him. He soon couldn’t hold the smaller one’s gaze anymore as tears troubled his vision.

‘’ I’m so sorry… ‘’ he finally said, his shaky voice breaking the words apart as he burst out crying.

His head dropped against the other’s shoulder as he was instantly held in a tight embrace. The warmth Jonghyun exuded gave him permission to let himself cry despite the strong feeling of shame it created inside him.

His body shook as he sobbed painfully, his distress tearing his insides to shreds. Soon, there was too much sadness inside his body to leave space for shame and in that moment, his arms found their way to the other’s back, holding him back even more tightly.

Wave after wave kept engulfing him, making him fear that he would drown at some point. The only thing he could do to prevent that was to hold on to his anchor, to the only one who could help him reach the shore again.

And that person did just that, nursing him through the ferocity of his internal tsunami with soothing words that he didn’t hear, but could still feel, and with soft caresses that slowly, but surely calmed the storm that had claimed every parcel of his being. 

It might’ve taken an eternity, but Jinki finally came back to safety, his sobs quieting and the trembling in his muscles settling.

Jonghyun was still there, still caressing his back, still telling him that everything was going to be alright.

And in that moment, Jinki suddenly realized how wrong it all was. 

He slowly pulled away, shame slowly making its way back inside him. Clearing his throat, he said, ‘’ You shouldn’t be comforting me after how I just acted, ‘’ he pointed out as he took a step back.

‘’ You’re right, I acted crazy and-

‘’ I still love you, ‘’ Jonghyun cut in, taking a step forward to close in on the distance the other had just created.

He took Jinki’s hands in his. ‘’ All I want is for us to be together, for you to not leave me again and for you to trust me, ‘’ he voiced earnestly, ridding himself of any emotion that could prevent them from finding some peace and quiet in that moment.

Those words hit Jinki hard, making him recoil into himself.

Jonghyun noticed and instantly panicked. ‘’ What? What did I say? ‘’

Jinki looked right back at him, eyes dimming with despair. ‘’ It’s all my fault, isn’t it? ‘’

His heavy stare made Jonghyun lose his ability to form words for a moment, the mountain of emotions that had built up in the other’s gaze crushing him under its weight.

‘’ It is, ‘’ Jinki concluded as his question was met with silence.

He made another move to pull back, but right in time, Jonghyun got a grip on himself and on him.

‘’ Have you hurt me many times? Yes, ‘’ the latter started as he pushed back against the mountain.

‘’ But I have never felt anything like what I feel for you and even though it was really messy from the start, I don’t want to be without you. ‘’

Everything had come out of him without a thought, coming out as if his heart had suddenly been given the gift of speech.

And that seemed to be the right thing to pull out Jinki from under the rocks. His expression softened and his eyes brightened a little.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’ he breathed before he pulled the smaller one in another tight embrace, this time not falling apart in his arms.

The warmth of the other one spread through him this time and soon he felt like his whole body was on fire. He pulled back a bit only to crush his lips against his lover’s, kissing him fiercely with everything he couldn’t convey in words.

Jonghyun crumbled under his passion, hands gripping the front of his shirt to keep himself upright as Jinki’s tongue snaked between his parted lips and glided against his own. A moan broke from him at the sudden encounter, but it wasn’t long before he regained control and had the taller one moaning into his mouth too.

Soon, they were clumsily making their way to the couch, never breaking contact, until the back of Jinki’s knees hit the said furniture. Jonghyun immediately pushed him so he could fall back on it before he positioned himself on top of Jinki’s seated form, his legs and butt straddling the other’s firm thighs. He would never openly admit it, but there was nothing he loved more than being in this position.

Their lips instinctively found each other’s again and they soon started making out like their lives depended on it, the soft and warm act of survival making their breaths heavier and their primal sounds that much needier.

‘’ Jinki… ‘’ Jonghyun panted as he reluctantly pulled away, not failing to feel the bump that was pressing against his crotch. ‘’ I just remembered… I still have to study… ‘’

He hated that his mind had decided to throw that reminder in such a pleasurable moment, but he was also grateful that it had. Jonghyun hadn’t failed any exams yet and he wasn’t planning on making this one his first.

‘’ Oh… Really? ‘’

Jonghyun felt himself get even weaker as he saw Jinki’s disappointed expression, the latter’s full lips almost curling into a pout. He couldn’t help but peck them, lingering a bit in the contact to feel more of them against his.

He knew he had fucked up when a hand settled at the back of his neck and pulled him closer. Jonghyun groaned as Jinki bit his bottom lip before sucking on it, flicking his eyes upwards to catch his gaze. A pang of pleasure hit him low in the belly and soon enough, he was kissing him again as if nothing else mattered.

Only when the lack of air in their lungs became an issue again did they break apart, Jinki’s hand still holding him close.

‘’ Jjongie… I need you… ‘’ the older one pleaded as much with his eyes than with his voice, making the other whine in protest.

‘’ Baby, you know I need you too, but I also really need to study for this, ‘’ he explained.

‘’ I can make it quick, ‘’ Jinki argued on the spot. The distressed expression that earned him only made him want more and without further thought, he guided the other’s small hand to his growing erection.

Jonghyun bit his lip as he palmed it, realizing he’d never get over how big Jinki actually was. His mind was still fighting with him to resist, to hold on to his resolve, but the last shred of self-control he had flew out the window when Jinki started kissing his neck.

His eyes fluttered as his body turned lax under the sweet torture that was Jinki’s lips on his skin and the feeling of his sturdy and tense body pressing against his.

A flicker of reason sparked in his mind again, but Jonghyun effectively turned it off. 

He knew he wasn’t in his right mind, but right this moment, he didn’t want anything else to matter.


	9. Escape. [Flashback Part VII]

Jonghyun knew there wasn’t much he could do at this point. Despite having spent the remaining hours he had left to study for his exam, the actual test hadn’t gone as well as it should have. And he was the only one to blame for that.

Once again, he hadn’t been able to set his limit. He had let himself drown in everything that was Jinki because that’s honestly all he had wanted to care about in that moment. But now that he was back to the surface, he didn’t know what to do.

He had meant everything he had said about wanting them to be together, but he also couldn’t forget this side of Jinki he had seen again the previous night. He was ready to get past it, but it also made him feel a little scared. He was starting to realize there was much about Jinki he probably didn’t know. Things from his past that had made him the way he was today.

Jonghyun knew these were all things they needed to talk about, but he knew how fragile their peace was right now and he didn’t want to risk any shattering that would leave them even more broken. Sometimes, he couldn’t help but wish that their story had been written differently.

He had spent the remainder of his day in a cubicle trying to work on an essay that was due in a week, but from feeling like a failure because of his previous exam and from the whole distraction that his relationship had become, he hadn’t been able to do much.

Realizing staring at his screen any longer wouldn’t get him any further, he picked up his phone and slid his chair away from the table. A frown creased his brow as his eyes caught the notifications at the forefront of his screen. It wasn’t long before he was reading the two text messages he had missed since he had last looked at his phone 40 minutes ago.

**[Jinki]**

_Hey, baby… When are you coming back? _

Jonghyun stared at the message for a while, chewing on his bottom lip, before moving on to the next.

**[Jaehyeon]**

_Hey ~ I haven’t seen you around today… Wanna get a drink or something? _

Jonghyun stared again, feeling uneasy, before letting out a long sigh.

It was never a pleasant thing for him to ignore people, but he didn’t feel like seeing either of them right now. It wouldn’t make anything better, but for now, it felt like the best thing to do.

He clearly didn’t want to keep hiding away and pretending like he was actually doing something. Plus, his stomach was starting to feel hollow; after all, he only had had coffee and a pastry in the morning. He knew he needed to eat before his body actually gave up on him, but he also didn’t want to be alone.

He looked at his phone again as the answer to his predicament became very clear in his mind. He knew things might not go the way he wanted them to, but now was as good of a time to try. It wasn’t long before the phone was glued to his ear, his growing feeling of apprehension making his heart race and his mouth dry.

‘’ Well, well, well… look who is calling. ‘’

Jonghyun’s shoulders sank as his chest tightened, half-relieved and half-scared now that he actually had him on the line. 

‘’ Hey… ‘’

A brief silence followed, one that he didn’t know how to fill.

‘’ Is there something wrong? ‘’ the other asked as he picked up on the unease Jonghyun so easily failed to hide.

‘’ Um… no…. I… ‘’ Jonghyun closed his eyes and took a deep breath. ‘’ What are you doing right now? ‘’

‘’ Was just about to fix myself dinner… why? ‘’

‘’ Would you like to go eat something with me instead? ‘’ he immediately offered as if he’d never get the chance to again.

‘’ Do you finally miss me, Jjong? ‘’

The latter could sense the teasing edge to his friend’s tone which made him feel more at ease.

‘’ I did miss you… a lot… ‘’ he said as guilt coursed through him. ‘’ There’s just been-

‘’ It’s fine, Jjong. I know, ‘’ the other cut in. ‘’ We’re adults and life’s demands get in the way. ‘’

‘’ Yeah… ‘’

‘’ So where do you want to go? ‘’

‘’ Um… How about that cozy restaurant not far from yours? ‘’

‘’ Hamkke? ‘’ 

‘’ Yeah. ‘’

‘’ Yeah, sure. When can you be there? ‘’

Jonghyun looked at the time on his laptop’s screen. ‘’ In about thirty minutes. ‘’

‘’ Okay, cool. I’ll probably arrive a little before to get us a table. ‘’

Jonghyun couldn’t help but smile. ‘’ Cool. See you soon. ‘’

‘’ Yeah, see ya. ‘’

He waited for the latter to hang up before doing the same. It was a few minutes before he was out of the cubicle and the library and making his way to his locker which was situated a few floors down and at the opposite end of the school.

As he walked through the hallways again, a wince gripped his features as the stiffness that had settled in his limbs during the past few hours called for attention. A few shoulder rolls helped get rid of some of the discomfort, but it wasn’t enough. The thought of a good relaxing massage instinctively crossed his mind as he made it closer to his locker.

Imagining a strong hand kneading the knots in his tense back didn't make him any more ready for the feel of an actual hand on his back. The sensation had him almost jumping out of his shoes and letting out a shriek that he would have never forgiven himself for letting out.

‘’ Calm down. It's just me, ‘’ Jaehyeon said, laughing.

The tall young man soon stepped into his line of vision as if further proof was needed, but all that did was give the smaller one the opportunity to glare at him.

‘’ Don't come up behind me like that, ‘’ Jonghyun reproved as a deep crease furrowed his brow.

The other's lips curled into a pout. ‘’ Where would the fun be then? ‘’

That obvious attempt at winning him over didn't make Jonghyun waver one bit. ‘’ I think we have very different definitions of fun, ‘’ he dryly remarked.

‘’ That's why we work so well together, ‘’ Jaehyeon immediately threw back, lips stretching into a smug smile. ‘’ It's called complementarity. ‘’

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at that.

‘’ Talking about fun… ‘’ Jaehyeon continued. ‘’ Did you get my message? ‘’

Jonghyun’s eyes flicked downwards at that question, his body tensing up again with unease.

‘’ Um, no… ‘’ he started, arms coming up to cross over his chest like a shield. ‘’ I was trying to write that essay for the Media and Politics class all day, so I turned off my phone… ‘’

He looked up again as if to verify that his lie was credible enough, doing his best to ignore the lump that guilt had formed in his throat.

What he got in response was a wide-eyed stare and a hissed curse.

‘’ I completely forgot about that essay, ‘’ Jaehyeon uttered in a panicked voice. 

Jonghyun reveled in his relief only for a second before reassuring the other. ‘’ It’s due in a week, don’t worry. ‘’

‘’ Still, ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, not at all calmed. ‘’ That’s a big one and Mr. Park is very strict and I’ve already had a so-so mark in the previous essay and this class is one of the most important ones and how could I even forget about this I’m so stupid I-

‘’ Jaehyeon, ‘’ Jonghyun brusquely interjected as the other’s distress started to overwhelm him.

The taller one’s mouth closed instantly and his eyes locked with his, showing he was fully attentive again.

‘’ What’s going on? ‘’ Jonghyun asked with a look of concern.

‘’ What do you mean? ‘’ Jaehyeon returned all too seriously.

‘’ I’ve never seen you panic… ‘’

Their eye contact made him immediately see the flash of discomfort in his friend’s eyes.

‘’ Ah yeah… ‘’ An awkward laugh left the latter’s lips. ‘’ I guess it’s just accumulated stress… ‘’

Jonghyun felt even more worried as their last encounter consequently flashed through his mind.

‘’ Did something happen? ‘’

‘’ No, no… don’t worry, ‘’ Jaehyeon answered with a smile that shone bright. 

‘’ Are you heading out? ‘’ he then asked as he gave a look to the bag that was resting on the other’s hip.

‘’ Yeah… ‘’ Jonghyun answered, eyes darting to said bag. ‘’ I’m having dinner with a friend actually, ‘’ he then revealed to avoid any more discomfort on his part.

The taller one’s lips curled into an exaggerated pout. ‘’ And I thought I was your only friend… ‘’

‘’ Sorry to disappoint, ‘’ Jonghyun replied with a lopsided smile. ‘’ Despite what you might think, I can socialize sometimes, ‘’ he bantered as his smile widened slightly.

‘’ Apparently, ‘’ Jaehyeon huffed, crossing his arms. ‘’ It seems like I really don’t know much about you, huh? ‘’

‘’ There isn’t much to know, really, ‘’ Jonghyun reassured as he gave him a few light pats on the shoulder. ‘’ Plus, you do know a lot already. ‘’

‘’ If you say so, ‘’ Jaehyeon dismissed with a slight eye roll before resuming his first train of thought.

‘’ I wanted to hang out, but since you _obviously_ got better things to do, ‘’ he emphasized, ‘’ I guess I’ll catch you here tomorrow? ‘’

Jonghyun shook his head, chuckling lightly at his friend’s reaction. ‘’ Of course, ‘’ he then answered with a wide smile.

Jaehyeon mirrored it instantly. ‘’ Okay then. See ya, Jjong! ‘’

‘’ Bye, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun returned before the other moved past him. His gaze followed him down the hallway until his silhouette wasn’t in his line of vision anymore.

A soft smile kept dancing on his lips as he started moving again, grateful that he hadn’t lost a friend. It was a few minutes until he was facing his locker and retrieving his outdoor clothing and boots from it before locking it again. Once he was fully clothed, he finally made his way out of the place that took most hours of his days.

Unlike most people he knew, Jonghyun hadn’t had a linear academic journey. Getting a piece of paper that would allow him to get a stable and a valuable job by society’s standards hadn’t been at the forefront of his mind for a long time. Instead, Jonghyun had found himself trying to survive all these years. He had tried to find what really mattered to him. And it was only now in his late twenties, that he had a better idea of what it was. That lit a fire in him to give it his best.

Along the way, his sense of motivation hadn’t always been weakness-proof, but one thing he knew was that he didn’t want to give up. A few months from now, he would be graduating and then a whole new world of opportunities would open itself up to him. It was a stressful thing to think about, but it also felt incredibly freeing.

Nothing had come easy to him so he wanted to cherish every little blessing that life had bestowed upon him. Right now, as he waited at the bus stop that stood only a few minutes away from the campus, he couldn’t help but thank the universe for the one who had seen him through his biggest challenges in life. He never felt like he had been able to give back as much as he had received and that weighed on him heavily, even more so now.

All he could do to alleviate that feeling a little was to close his eyes and let the cool air surrounding him wash over his tired features, simultaneously inviting some of it inside him with a deep breath. He remained in that meditative state for a few more minutes before the familiar rumble of the bus’s engine was picked up by his ears.

He got in, addressed the driver a courtesy smile, tapped his smart card on the sensor before him and walked fast to the back to settle into one of the only vacant seats left. The bus was pretty full, making him feel tense as his arms brushed against the two people that were on either side of him. Usually at this hour, he was still on campus either studying, working on an assignment, attending a class or preparing for his radio show. Meaning, he was not used to what the outside world looked like anymore at this time of day.

It was definitely too busy for his comfort. He liked to have space, lots of space, and being squeezed together with strangers like sardines in a can wasn’t doing it for him. The predicament he was forced to endure made for quite the stressful ride. The fifteen minutes it took to bring him to his friend’s neighborhood felt that much longer.

A loud sigh of relief left his mouth as he finally stepped out of the bus and into the fresh air again. The retrieved freedom his body and mind found as he started walking forward made him smile. Soon enough, he would be forgetting about all of life’s discomforts as he’d be enjoying a warm meal in great company.

Another ten minutes brought him to destination. He stopped a few steps shy from the front door, suddenly feeling a dull pinching pain in his abdomen as the realness of the present moment dawned on him. He was nervous.

It had been a while since they had last sat down together and during that time a lot had happened. For all his friend knew, everything was fine in his life. And even though a lot of it still was, what wasn’t couldn’t be denied. But that didn’t mean he had to lay it out on his friend. For once, he could show he didn’t need saving.

With that point settled in his mind, he finally closed in the distance between him and the door and went in. A whiff of savory scents wafted towards him, hitting his nostrils instantly and making his stomach protest with a soft grumble. He pushed back those sensations to focus on his surroundings. His eyes darted across the dimly lit public area filled with occupied wooden tables, his ears inadvertently picking up on the buzzing chatter animating the space. Before he could feel overwhelmed, he spotted the familiar face he had been picturing in his mind for the last hour.

Said face became illuminated with a bright smile which settled any lingering worry Jonghyun had. Mirroring it, he promptly made his way towards the back of the restaurant, happiness and excitement actively pumping through him.

‘’ For a moment there, I was scared that you wouldn’t remember my face, ‘’ Minho teased once he reached their table.

‘’ How could I forget your ugly face? ‘’ Jonghyun fired back, sporting a self-satisfied smile as the other’s mouth dropped open.

‘’ Is that a way to greet your best friend? ‘’ the other huffed, eyes wide with indignation.

‘’ Yes, it is, ‘’ Jonghyun maintained to further annoy his friend. He then went about taking off his coat and scarf before draping them over the back of his chair.

When his gaze caught his friend’s again, he couldn’t help but chuckle. He sat down, levelling his line of sight with the other’s, taking in the frown that hovered over his wider brown eyes.

‘’ Take it back, ‘’ Minho ordered.

‘’ Take what back? ‘’ Jonghyun feigned, amusement still dancing across his face.

‘’ I’m not ugly. ‘’

‘’ Either way, it doesn’t change anything, ‘’ the brunette kept on, moving his gaze towards the menu.

‘’ Should we order drinks first? ‘’ he asked matter-of-factly despite being glared at.

‘’ I’m not ordering anything with you until you take it back, ‘’ the younger one persisted, crossing his arms over his chest for added resolve.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow. ‘’ Seriously? ‘’

‘’ Yeah. ‘’

‘’ You know I’m joking. ‘’

‘’ So it should be easy for you to take it back then. ‘’

It was Jonghyun’s turn to frown. He apparently had forgotten about his friend’s annoying bouts of stubbornness.

‘’ Fine. I take it back, ‘’ he capitulated with a sigh. ‘’ You seem to have forgotten the many times I’ve praised your looks over the span of our friendship. ‘’

Upon hearing those words, the shift in the other’s demeanour was immediate. Unfolding his arms as a smile crept up his face, he said, ‘’ No, I haven’t forgotten. ‘’

Jonghyun shot him a death stare. ‘’ You’re a pain in the ass, you know that? ‘’

‘’ If I’m not mistaken, you do enjoy a good pain in the ass, don’t you? ‘’

The jibe left the brunette speechless, leaving him no other option but to flip him off. The action prompted a loud cackle out of the taller one which only contributed to his growing frustration.

‘’ Can we order some drinks before I decide to bite your head off? ‘’

‘’ Fine, fine, ‘’ Minho agreed, his voice shaking with lingering laughter.

Their first orders were soon picked up by the waitress that stopped by their table before they went on to look at the meal options that were listed on the menu.

Jonghyun hadn’t felt this hungry in a long time which made his ability to eliminate options very hard. He kept going over the pages until he saw his friend casting his menu aside. 

‘’ You’ve chosen? ‘’ he inquired.

‘’ Yes. I don’t know why I was looking to be honest, I always go for their Japchae. ‘’

‘’ I think I’ll just have the same, ‘’ Jonghyun settled as he closed his own. ‘’ I’ll die if I don’t eat soon. ‘’

‘’ Don’t tell me you’ve been forgetting to eat again, ‘’ Minho voiced with concern and a tinge of discontentment.

The brunette shook his head. ‘’ It doesn’t really happen anymore. ‘’

Before his friend could lecture him again on the importance of fuelling his body properly, the waitress came back with their drinks, a glass of rum for him and a bottle of soju for the other. The latter communicated their second order which gave him the opportunity to dip his lips into the golden-brown liquid that softly swayed inside the glass that he had just picked up from the table. The strong, velvety taste laced with sweetness made him sigh of contentment.

Once the waitress left again, Minho looked at him with an expression he couldn’t quite decipher.

‘’ Is everything alright, Jjong? ‘’

The question caught him off guard and for a few seconds, he could only stare back at him blankly.

‘’ Yeah, sure… ‘’ He slowly started. ‘’ Why? ‘’

‘’ I don’t know… You look tired… ‘’

‘’ Oh… well, I’ve been pretty busy with school and all, ‘’ Jonghyun answered as nonchalantly as he could.

‘’ Oh right, ‘’ Minho acknowledged. ‘’ But you’re graduating soon, right? ‘’

‘’ Yeah, in a few months. ‘’ Jonghyun looked into his glass again. ‘’ I guess I’m finally going to do something with my life, ‘’ he half-joked, half-pondered.

‘’ Jjong, please. Everything you’ve done before is what brought you to this point. None of it was a waste of time or worthless, ‘’ Minho intently replied.

Jonghyun lifted his head to look into his eyes again. ‘’ You always know what to say, don’t you? ‘’ he pointed out with a soft smile.

‘’ That’s right. I’m beauty _and _brains, ‘’ the younger one boasted before picking up his bottle and pouring some of the soju into his glass.

‘’ I’m going to act like you didn’t just say that, ‘’ Jonghyun informed before taking another sip of his drink.

Minho did the same before retaliating. ‘’ The truth is always hard to accept, I can’t blame you. ‘’

The brunette rolled his eyes. ‘’ Instead of acting like an idiot why don’t you tell me how work is going. ‘’

The younger one’s face lit up at that. ‘’ Oh, it’s great. The kids are really amazing this year. Some of them have great skills and even those who struggle work really hard to get better, ‘’ he enthusiastically shared, which made Jonghyun smile.

‘’ There is this one kid in particular, ‘’ Minho went on. ‘’ My colleagues keep saying he looks just like me and I don’t know if that’s true, but I do have a soft spot for him. He is kind of clumsy, but he always wants to make me proud. ‘’

‘’ I thought teachers couldn’t play favorites? ‘’ Jonghyun teased.

‘’ It’s not like I’m giving him special treatment or anything, ‘’ Minho argued. ‘’ It’s just that… I don’t know… ‘’

The rest of his thought stayed within him as he drank some more.

Jonghyun watched him, figuring it out for himself.

‘’ I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this before, but I always thought you’d make a great dad. ‘’

He didn’t miss the look of surprise that flashed across his friend’s face before his eyes turned soft.

‘’ Thank you, Jjong, ‘’ Minho finally said. ‘’ It means a lot. ‘’

Jonghyun smiled. ‘’ It’s only the truth. ‘’

‘’ What about you? ‘’ Minho threw back as his index absentmindedly played with the tag on his bottle.

The other’s brow cocked. ‘’ What about me? ‘’ he echoed, confused.

‘’ Don’t you want kids? ‘’ the tall brunette inquired with curiosity.

Jonghyun was grateful that he hadn’t decided to take a sip at that moment, because he surely would’ve spat it all out. 

‘’ Are you crazy? ‘’ he exclaimed as his eyes doubled in size.

‘’ No. I’m being very serious right now, ‘’ Minho maintained, unbothered.

‘’ You’re definitely crazy then, ‘’ Jonghyun decided. ‘’ You should know that I can’t have kids, ‘’ he went on.

‘’ If you’re saying that because you’re gay-

‘’ No, ‘’ Jonghyun cut in. ‘’ I know there are options, but I just don’t think I’m built to take care of another human being. ‘’

‘’ Who is? ‘’ Minho instantly shot back. ‘’ You just take a leap and learn along the way. ‘’

‘’ If I take that leap, I’m pretty sure I’ll end up breaking my neck, ‘’ Jonghyun deadpanned.

‘’ Alright, ‘’ the younger one forfeited as he threw his hands up in defeat. ‘’ Let’s just wait and see what happens in a few years. ‘’ He followed up his words with a confident smile and then drank some more.

Jonghyun glared at him before following suit. There were a few seconds of silence during which his mind toyed with the prospect, creating for him a whole new world of possibilities he hadn’t really considered before.

‘’ I got you thinking, huh? ‘’ Minho teased as he crossed his arms over the table.

‘’ Not really, ‘’ Jonghyun lied. ‘’ All I’m really thinking about now is when I’ll have the honor of becoming a godfather, ‘’ he continued with a renewed energy for the subject that was his best friend’s personal life.

‘’ Godfather? ‘’ Minho repeated, confused. ‘’ To what child? ‘’

Jonghyun gave him a sharp flick on the arm, relishing briefly his exclamation of pain. ‘’ To your monster child. ‘’

‘’ No child of mine will be a monster. They’ll be the most perfect little thing on the entire planet, ‘’ the other settled with confidence.

The brunette rolled his eyes. ‘’ Whatever you say. ‘’

‘’ Yes, whatever I say, ‘’ Minho echoed with conviction. 

‘’ Unless you want me to find other potential candidates for the godfather position… ‘’ he added with an edge of provocation to his tone.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ I’m not worried about that. ‘’

Before the other could retaliate, the waitress came back with two hot bowls, which she rapidly placed in front of each of them before going back to her business.

Words took a backseat as they looked at the delicious-looking meal before them. Jonghyun was the first to make good use of his chopsticks and stuff his mouth with the mix of glass noodles, beef and veggies bathed in sweet savory sauce. He couldn’t help his moan of appreciation as he chewed through it, all the flavors crashing over his taste buds before making their trip downwards. As soon as his mouth was empty again, he stuffed it right up, not minding any of the good manners he knew he should have at table.

‘’ Jeez, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that hungry, ‘’ Minho remarked as he watched him with interest and disbelief.

‘’ Well I am, ‘’ Jonghyun managed to utter through a mouthful, his cheeks protruding like a squirrel with a full mouth of chestnuts.

The sight had the other shaking his head laughing before he proceeded to get to the contents of his own bowl.

It was a few minutes before Jonghyun allowed himself a breather, sinking back in his chair a bit to distance himself from the food. His glass was soon in his hand to fill himself up more with some liquid.

Once that need was met too, thoughts resurfaced in his mind, leading him to a question he had yet to have answered.

‘’ We’ve been talking about kids and all, but we haven’t talked about what comes before that, ‘’ he suddenly pointed out.

That was enough to get his friend’s attention off his own food and back on him.

‘’ You want to talk about sex, Jjong? ‘’ Minho asked with an amused smile as he slapped his chopsticks together.

The older one gave him an exasperated look. ‘’ No, ‘’ he immediately refuted.

‘’ So what then? ‘’

‘’ You know what I’m talking about, ‘’ Jonghyun answered. ‘’ It’s been forever since you’ve talked about a girl. ‘’

‘’ I’m not going to talk about every girl I hook up with, ‘’ Minho replied on the spot.

‘’ And that’s not what I’m talking about either, ‘’ Jonghyun countered. ‘’ I’m talking about someone you really like. ‘’

To his surprise, Minho didn’t have a ready-to-deliver answer to give him. Instead, he looked down at his bowl again and moved the rest of his food around with his chopsticks.

‘’ Minho? ‘’ Jonghyun voiced after a few more seconds of silence.

The silence dragged on a bit more, enough for panic to start rising inside him. It had his stomach in a tight knot by the time he finally got an answer.

‘’ Not everyone can be like you, Jjong. ‘’

That had him frowning in confusion. ‘’ What do you mean? ‘’

‘’ I mean, ‘’ Minho echoed before looking up, ‘’ That love doesn’t come easy to me. ‘’

That left him without words.

‘’ I don’t mean that in a bad way, Jjongie, ‘’ Minho clarified. ‘’ On the contrary, I admire how passionate you can be about someone. ‘’

That awakened him.

‘’ I don’t know if that’s always a good thing, ‘’ he pondered. ‘’ I’m not a good example of how to make a relationship last. ‘’

‘’ Well, you’re far better at it than me, that’s for sure, ‘’ Minho observed as he picked up his glass again.

Jonghyun watched him down the rest of it before continuing. ‘’ I have a feeling that when you find the right person, then you’ll be set for life. ‘’

‘’ I hope so… ‘’ the younger one sighed.

‘’ You will, ‘’ he reiterated as he placed a comforting hand over his.

‘’ What’s this about you being my cheerleader tonight? ‘’ Minho asked with a laugh.

‘’ Isn’t that what a friend is for? ‘’ Jonghyun followed up naturally.

‘’ Hmm, I wouldn’t know. ‘’

The death glare that granted him sent him reeling with laughter, annoying the other one even more.

Jonghyun eased his irritation with more food and more rum before the conversation was brought to more shallow subjects. He allowed his friend to expand on some soccer games he had recently watched before he had that backfire on him when the other decided to remind him of that one time he had tripped over the ball in front of the whole class back in ninth grade. Fortunately for him, he had an equally embarrassing memory of his best friend. He only had to mention their history teacher, Mrs. Hwang, to see all color disappear from the latter’s face.

He went back to eating again, chuckling to himself as he glanced at Minho’s disgruntled expression. It wasn’t long before he finally emptied his bowl and his glass, then basking in the great appreciation of his feeling of satiety.

Minho was also done soon after, sighing in contentment.

‘’ Do you want to get another drink or do you have to head back? ‘’

Jonghyun took a second to think. ‘’ How about we have another drink at yours? ‘’

Minho’s face split into a grin. ‘’ Yeah, sure! ‘’

Jonghyun mirrored it as the prospect ignited excitement within him.

‘’ Okay well, let’s pay and get out of here! ‘’

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When Jonghyun came to the next morning, he realized he had no clue when he had actually fallen asleep. The rays of sunlight peeking through the window blinds and striping the sheets covering him made him feel utterly confused and a little groggy. He closed his eyes again to offset the effects of his sudden awakening and used his arm as a shield to completely block out the light. It was only a few seconds before he found himself dipping back into the depths of his sleeping pool, leaving behind any parcel of reality.

He was left to float in it for another thirty minutes before a sudden noise made him jump out. His eyes soon found the eyes of his best friend which had him frowning in confusion again.

The other chuckled softly. ‘’ I didn’t want to wake you up so suddenly, but I have to leave so I just wanted to let you know that I left you some coffee and breakfast on the counter. ‘’

‘’ Oh… ‘’ Jonghyun let out, voice rough from sleep.

‘’ You don’t have to get up right now if you don’t want to, ‘’ Minho reassured with a smile. ‘’ Anyways, I have to go. See you soon, Jjong. ‘’

Jonghyun wasn’t given any time to reciprocate as the tall brunette immediately pulled the door close, leaving him alone again.

It wasn’t long before bits and pieces of the previous night came flashing through his mind. It had been a very fun night, one like he hadn’t had in a long while, but the thought that stuck out in the end was that he hadn’t spent the night home.

That single thought had his whole body tense up. He hadn’t had at any point during the evening or the beginning of the night the presence of mind to notify Jinki of his whereabouts, which was unlike him. He knew that would surely not make for a pleasant conversation when they would talk. And one thing Jonghyun didn’t want was to put more strain on their relationship.

Even if he had wanted to get in more sleep, the wave of anxiety that had just surged through him surely wouldn’t let him do so. The only option left was to get out of bed. That simple task wasn’t an easy one, but after a few minutes of struggling with himself to get a move on, he finally managed to stand on his two feet. His arms stretched high above his head to get the kinks out of his back and shoulders as he looked outside the window to make sure the world outside was still the same.

It sure did look like it was, but that wasn’t at all indicative of whatever new struggle the new day had brought with it. His own was proof of that. He carried the heavy feeling in his chest with him and into his friend’s bathroom, cleaning himself up a bit before heading to the kitchen to fuel himself up for the day.

He didn’t feel hungry at that exact moment, but looking at what Minho had left him made him smile. His best friend had actually gone through the trouble of cooking up a veggie-filled omelette with some rice and had left some fresh kimchi in a side dish bowl. There was even hot coffee sitting in the pot of the coffee machine a few inches ahead which had him smiling even wider.

_Thank you, Minho. _

Hungry or not, he was going to honor this caring gesture. At least, he was certain this relationship wasn’t in jeopardy.

He first opened one of the cupboards and picked out a cup to pour the coffee in. A second later, his cup was full to the brim, the dark liquid dancing against the white interior of the mug as he moved with it to sit in the dining room adjacent to where he was. The strong whiff he inhaled comforted him just enough to elicit a sight of content.

Then, he drank, the first sip dancing on his tongue like a wave of salvation, appeasing his tired body and mind which urged him to keep drinking. The emptier the mug got, the fuller his power source felt. Soon, he was back on his feet and rushing back to the food that had been left for him. The sight awakened his hunger and without wasting anymore time, he dived into the food, wolfing it down as if he hadn’t eaten in days. His eagerness worked faster than his stomach and before he could really feel full, everything was gone. A frown grew on his face as he stared at the empty plates in frustration.

He had the thought of going through his friend’s fridge to find himself more food, but a sliver of reason pulled him back from doing it. He knew Minho wouldn’t mind him eating his food, but he realized that the dissatisfaction wasn’t one of the body, but more so one of the mind. So instead, he settled for drinking one more cup of coffee before having to face his schedule for the day.

Half-way through it, his mind finally made space for him to think about school. It was a moment before he could figure out what classes he had for the day. And when he did, his eyes went straight to the clock that stood at the top of the kitchen’s cupboards.

**8:15**

_Shit. _

Between his frustration and panic, he lost a few more minutes kicking himself mentally for lacking foresight the night before. That sense of doom and despair that was never too far came back in full blast, hitting him hard in the chest. He held on to the edge of the counter for support as he felt his head swim with a million thoughts, his knuckles turning white from the pressure.

_It’s just the Persuasive Communication class. I’m doing good in it. It’ll be fine. _

Those self-reassuring thoughts helped him work through his distress just enough to get himself back into motion. He walked back to the room he had woken in and immediately searched through his pants to pull out his phone. The screen was black which reminded him that he had purposely turned it off not long after they had arrived here. He looked at it intently, battling with the thoughts of turning it on now or waiting later.

The first thought won. A few seconds later, he was faced with all the notifications that had stayed dormant throughout the night. As expected, all of them were from Jinki. He didn’t have to count them to know there had been numerous attempts on the other’s part to reach him. He looked at the text messages first and felt his stomach clench at the worry and despair he could feel through his written words. It was enough for him to not want to hear the voicemails.

With a rising feeling of dread, he pressed on the call icon and brought the phone to his ear. His chest rose higher and higher with every passing ring until the loop was suddenly cut short.

‘’ Jjong. ‘’

To Jonghyun’s surprise, the voice at the other end didn’t sound angry.

Despite that, he failed to find confidence in his own, only letting out an uneasy and shy _Hi. _

‘’ Where were you? ‘’ the other immediately inquired, worry edging his tone.

‘’ I stayed at Minho’s… ‘’ Jonghyun replied, still guarded.

He was answered with a sigh of relief which made him a little more relieved himself.

‘’ I’m glad you’re okay. I just couldn’t stop thinking that maybe something had happened… ‘’ Jinki shared, his voice thinning out on the last words.

That was enough to get rid of his relief.

‘’ I’m sorry I didn’t call or text… My phone was turned off and we drank and…

‘’ It’s alright, Jjong, ‘’ Jinki cut in. ‘’ I’m just glad you’re okay. ‘’

‘’ Yeah, I’m fine, ‘’ Jonghyun reiterated not without being confused by the fact that the anger he had been expecting from this conversation wasn’t anywhere to be found.

‘’ When are you coming back home? ‘’ Jinki asked which pulled him out of his bemusement.

‘’ I have to head back to school so… I don’t know… later… ‘’

There was a pause after which made his uneasiness stand out loud and clear between them. 

‘’ Okay… Well, I’ll be waiting. ‘’

‘’ Okay… ‘’

Another pause.

‘’ I have to go now, ‘’ Jonghyun said as his level of disquiet became intolerable.

‘’ Okay, see you later, ‘’ Jinki answered. ‘’ I love you. ‘’

‘’ I love you too, ‘’ he echoed rapidly before hanging up. 

A long exhale left him right after as if he had been holding his breath, his upper body collapsing over his legs like a balloon that had just been deflated.

Eyes closed, he tried to get some life back into him with a few deep breaths, slowly straightening up as he did.

Before he could level up to a standing position, his phone buzzed, immediately eliciting a twinge of anxiety in his core.

Relief quickly washed over it when he glanced at the ID.

_[Where are you?]_ The message read.

Then another one came in.

_[I swear Mr. Lim is trying to kill us. Fml.]_

That made him snort with laughter as he visualized his friend slouching back in his chair in despair.

His fingers immediately started dancing across his keyboard.

_[I overslept. I'll be there before the second half starts.]_

He only had to wait a few seconds to be served with another piece of his friend's mind.

_[Damn, Jjong. If I didn't know any better I'd think you didn't care about school anymore. :p]_

_[Think again.]_

He threw his phone on the bed to avoid being pulled in further into a pointless argument that would make him even more late.

A quick shower later, he was ready to head out, fully clothed in his outfit of the previous day except for fresh briefs he had dared steal in his best friend's drawer. As he grabbed his bag to head towards the entrance, a subtle whiff of alcohol tickled his nose making his face twist into a grimace. His mind went to his locker where he hoped he still had a spare clean shirt to change into. Then, finally, his body went to the entrance where he suited up for the cold weather.

Turning the front door's knob, he made a mental note to himself to call Minho later to thank him for the mental break and the breakfast. He then walked out into the chilly morning before shutting the door close with the key he had been gifted with a few months back.

The route back was much more peaceful than what he had experienced the afternoon before which made it feel like he was back to school in no time. Once inside, he was surprised by the calm and peace he rarely experienced in the hallways. He was almost tempted to enjoy more of it instead of heading to class, but he knew his future self would curse himself for it.

He headed straight to his locker, shed his outdoor layers and stored them inside before looking in the top shelf for, hopefully, a clean shirt. His hands fumbled through the mess he had left in there for close to a minute before he had to accept that there was no piece of fabric there.

With a resigned but frustrated mind, he finally made it to the classroom he should've been in an hour and a half ago. To his relief, the door was open when he arrived indicating it was indeed break time. Few students remained and he passed them to reach his usual spot at the back. He was happy it had been left empty. He dropped his supplies on the table before glancing at the spot beside him, smiling as he recognized the lousy handwriting of his friend in the notebook he had left open.

He then plopped down on his chair and organized his stuff, bracing himself for his return to reality. Soon enough, the class started getting full again and a familiar silhouette crossed his line of sight. He watched his friend approach with a huge grin which made him cock an eyebrow.

'' Who's the greatest guy in the world? '' Jaehyeon boasted as he set a cup of coffee in front of him.

Rolling his eyes, he answered, '' You won't get the answer you're looking for but, thank you, '' he ended sincerely, keeping himself from saying he already had had his fill of coffee for the morning.

He then glanced at his friend's empty hands. '' What about you? ''

'' I've been caffeinating since I'm up, '' Jaehyeon informed as he sat down. '' My blood is probably black now. ''

'' Probably like cream if you ask me, '' Jonghyun replied with a snort which had the other frowning.

'' You're lucky I resisted putting anything in yours, '' the latter indicated. '' I really don't know how you do it, '' he added with a disgusted pout.

'' Adding anything in it just alters the flavor. If I'm drinking coffee I want to taste the coffee. ''

Feeling his friend's eyes burning a hole into the side of his face, he turned slightly to meet his eyes.

The seriousness on his friend's face had him on the verge of laughter.

'' Let's just agree to disagree, '' Jaehyeon settled as he crossed his arms.

'' Like always, '' Jonghyun pointed out with a small laugh.

Their attention was suddenly brought to the front of the class as they heard their names.

'' Would you mind if I interrupted your seemingly important conversation to go on with my trivial teachings? '' Their teacher voiced in a tone dripping with contempt as the whole class turned towards them.

'' Sorry, Mr. Lim, '' Jaehyeon immediately uttered in a quiet voice as Jonghyun retreated behind his surge of embarrassment.

The older man gave them another disapproving look before going on with the class.

Jonghyun opened his notebook, grabbed his pen and fixed his eyes on their teacher to give all his attention to the remainder of the class, but he was soon interrupted by a touch on his arm.

He looked down at the page the other had slid close to him.

_His dick is probably so dried up that it’s about to fall off. _

Jonghyun bit on his lip to prevent any sound from coming out of him, instead shaking his head at the other's silliness and catching the subsequent proud smile on his face from the corner of his eye.

The rest of the class went by with more focus on both their parts despite the dryness of the content that was being thrown at them. By the end of it, they felt exhausted.

'' I don't think I can take any more of that crap today, '' Jaehyeon finally let out as they stepped out into the hallway buzzing with students.

'' Don't you have like two more classes? '' Jonghyun half-asked, half-teased.

'' Not if I skip them. ''

It was Jonghyun's turn to give a disapproving look.

'' You do want to graduate, don't you? ''

Jaehyeon sighed. '' I guess... ''

'' But what will I do when you're not here anymore to keep me in check? '' he added with a pout.

'' You'll be just fine, '' Jonghyun instantly replied. '' Plus, you still have to endure me for another few months. ''

'' Thank god, '' Jaehyeon exclaimed with relief.

Jonghyun smiled at that before they fell back into a shared silent. 

That didn't last long.

'' So you partied hard last night, huh? '' The taller one inquired in a tone that was teasing but curious.

'' I wouldn't say we partied, but I probably had too much to drink, yeah, '' Jonghyun admitted with a shrug.

'' Apparently, '' Jaehyeon noted. '' I can almost smell the alcohol on you, '' he added with a chuckle.

Jonghyun gave him a terrified look as he stopped dead in his tracks. '' Really? ''

'' Well I mean it's probably my mind playing tri-

'' Do you have a spare shirt I could borrow? '' Jonghyun interjected in panic.

'' What? ''

'' I couldn't change shirts before coming here, '' Jonghyun quickly explained.

'' Oh, '' Jaehyeon gathered. '' I might have one in my locker. ''

'' Okay, let's go. ''

Jonghyun immediately lead the way, hurrying his step as panic coursed through his veins. He wasn't about to let his peers or even worse, his teachers, think that he was an alcoholic.

It wasn't long before his fear turned into relief as Jaehyeon pulled out a seemingly clean black long-sleeved shirt out of his locker.

'' Thankfuckinggod, '' Jonghyun let out in a breath before pulling his friend in front of him so that he could act as a shield. He then pulled his alcohol-fragranced shirt over his head, threw it on the floor and grabbed the one his friend was holding.

'' Dude, '' Jaehyeon exclaimed as he gave a quick glance at a shirtless Jonghyun and then at their surroundings. '' Right here? ''

Jonghyun didn't reply on the spot, instead slipping on the black shirt.

'' With your height, no one saw a thing, '' he finally said. '' So, '' he immediately added after, '' How do I look? ''

The shock that had settled on the other's face quickly turned into amusement.

'' It's clearly not your fit, '' he tittered. '' You look like a kid, '' he went on, his voice shaking with more laughter.

Jonghyun frowned at him. '' You'll excuse me for not being built like a fucking mountain. ''

Jaehyeon kept laughing. '' In your defense, one wouldn't know how small you actually are in your everyday clothes. But this... ''

He burst out laughing giving Jonghyun the impulse to push him away from him.

Jonghyun then looked down at the shirt that almost reached his knees and sighed. The only thing he could do to make himself a bit more presentable was to fold up the sleeves of the shirt up to his elbows.

Even the collar of the shirt sat too large on his frame, letting his collarbones show. Jonghyun knew he was on the smaller side even when he put on muscle, but the whole ordeal had him thinking that maybe he had lost weight again.

'' Sorry, Jjong, '' the taller one uttered more seriously, interrupting his train of thoughts. '' I didn't mean to laugh at you. ''

Jonghyun looked up and met his dark eyes. '' It's fine, '' he said. '' Thanks for the shirt. ''

'' My pleasure, '' Jaehyeon replied before picking up the one on the floor. '' Here. ''

'' Thanks. '' Jonghyun took the shirt his friend was handing to him and crumpled it in his hand.

'' We should go eat before our next classes, '' he suggested as Jaehyeon locked his locker.

'' Yeah, I'm starving, '' the latter grumbled.

'' Like always, '' Jonghyun teased.

Jaehyeon shrugged. '' Who knows? I might still be in a growth spurt. ''

'' If you grow any taller, I'm not speaking to you anymore, '' Jonghyun warned with some edge to his tone. Not waiting for a reply, he started walking towards the other end of the corridor.

'' Oh come on, that's not fair, '' Jaehyeon whined as he followed.

They went on with their banter until they reached Jonghyun's locker.

There, he got rid of what he didn't need anymore before pulling out his phone to look at the time. His left brow cocked as he caught the notification that popped up. He tapped a finger on the screen and put in his password to look at the message.

_[Hey~ I brought you some food. I'm waiting in the main hall.]_

His eyes grew wide as the words registered.

'' What? '' Jaehyeon immediately inquired.

'' Um... '' Jonghyun uttered as his mind blanked. '' I... ''

It was a few more seconds until he found a proper way to react.

'' Can you find us a spot at the cafeteria? I'll be there in a few minutes. ''

'' Okay... '' Jaehyeon acknowledged not without letting through his suspicion.

'' Thanks, '' Jonghyun quickly replied before going the other way.

The whole walk towards the main hall had his level of unease and anxiety rising with every step. He couldn't help but fear that there was more to this visit than a simple food delivery.

The fear brought him to a standstill as he finally caught his boyfriend's face. The latter flashed him a wide smile as their eyes met which Jonghyun did his best to reciprocate despite still being panicked.

It wasn't long before the other closed the gap between them, bringing them face to face.

'' Hey, '' Jinki softly uttered as his eyes crinkled at the corners from another dashing smile.

'' Hey, '' Jonghyun echoed awkwardly.

Jinki just looked at him for a few seconds before cocking an eyebrow. '' That's not your shirt, is it? ''

Jonghyun felt his face heat up. '' Um, no... I had to borrow a clean one from Minho before heading back here. ''

The other's expression stayed unchanged. '' Minho must have wider shoulders than what I remember. ''

'' He bulks up during winter, '' Jonghyun justified on the spot, since it wasn't a total lie. It didn't prevent the bitter aftertaste that came from guilt to settle in his mouth right after.

'' Oooh, okay, '' Jinki bought, face lighting up.

'' Here, '' he then said as he handed him the bag of food he had brought. '' I thought you'd like to have some homemade food today. ''

'' Thanks, '' Jonghyun replied as he grabbed the bag. '' You didn't have to go through all this trouble though. ''

'' It wasn't much trouble, '' Jinki indicated. '' It's food I cooked last night. ''

'' Oh, '' Jonghyun acknowledged, stomach tightening from the added guilt.

'' And also, '' Jinki started slowly as he rubbed the back of his neck. '' I wanted to see you even if just for a few minutes, '' he went on in a gentle tone.

Jonghyun felt his body warm up from his sweet words, forgetting for a few seconds his unease before flashes of their last encounters zipped through his mind.

'' Thanks again, Jinki, '' he reiterated to segue to parting words. '' I have to head back now... ''

'' Oh, okay... ''

The sheer disappointment in the other's voice and the hurt on his face made him disgusted with himself and for a second, he wanted to take it all back.

'' I'll see you in a few hours, '' he instead reminded, trying to be reassuring despite everything.

'' Yeah, okay, '' Jinki acknowledged before changing his expression the best he could with a faint smile.

The three words Jonghyun knew he should say next stayed stuck in his throat, making him resort to a pathetic handwave instead.

He quickly turned on his heel to avoid further damage, making his way straight to the cafeteria.

There, the hordes of students gathered all around made him instantly dizzy. He tried to make his way through the rows of tables to search for his friend, but it proved to be too much of a sensory effort.

He pulled out his phone and typed.

_[I can't eat here. I'll be waiting just outside.]_

He retraced his steps until he was back in the hallway which was much less crowded.

A few minutes went by before Jaehyeon finally appeared in sight.

'' Are you okay? '' Was the first thing that left the taller one's mouth as he stopped before him.

His look of worry didn't go unnoticed but Jonghyun still chose to put on an act.

'' Yeah, '' he voiced matter-of-factly. '' I just need to be somewhere less crowded right now. ''

'' Where do you want to go? '' Jaehyeon immediately asked.

'' I don't know... '' Jonghyun admitted, a little defeated. He felt like leaving the school right then and there, but felt trapped by all the stress he'd be facing if he did.

'' You know, '' Jaehyeon started with intent. '' My dorm's not far from here...''

Even if Jonghyun had wanted to, he couldn't help but give his friend a stunned look.

'' Aren't we at this stage in our friendship?'' The other went on with a nervous laugh. '' I see your apartment and you see my dorm. ''

That didn't do much to shake Jonghyun out of his frozen state.

'' Or... we could go to the studio, '' Jaehyeon tried instead, feeling beyond embarrassed by his first attempt.

'' Yeah, '' Jonghyun instantly agreed. '' Let's do that. ''

'' I still need to buy food though, '' Jaehyeon reminded.

'' No worries. I have food, '' Jonghyun informed as he lifted the plastic bag he was holding.

Jaehyeon frowned. He wanted to ask where it came from to confirm some of the suspicions already floating around in his mind, but he was too scared of crossing the line again.

'' Not sure that's enough food, '' he instead pointed out.

'' I'm not hungry, you can have it. ''

Jaehyeon could see by the other's weary expression that it wasn't in his best interest to argue.

'' Alright, '' he said.

They made their way to their recording room and from there, conversation turned to lighter things.

Jonghyun even found himself eating some of the food after much insistence on his friend's part. As expected, it was delicious, making him almost wish he had an appetite for it.

'' Yo, I don't think I'll be able to stay awake in class after all that good food, '' Jaehyeon shared as they made their way back to the lockers.

'' One of your white sugary coffees should help with that, '' Jonghyun threw back wittily.

'' Hahaha, '' Jaehyeon deadpanned.

'' You finish at 4, right? '' he then inquired.

'' Yeah. ''

'' Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then, '' the taller one figured as his own day ended two hours later.

'' You know I never leave right after classes, '' Jonghyun reminded. '' We can meet up after your last class. '' 

A wide smile lightened the other's face. '' Great. I'll text you when I'm done. ''

'' Good. See you later, '' Jonghyun said before walking further down the hallway to reach his locker.

He picked up his items for his next class and made his way there, once again thinking about his boyfriend's surprise visit and everything that had happened between them in the last few days. He remembered all that he had said, his words of reassurance and love and felt even more weirded out by his own actual behavior. Facing him shouldn't have been that hard, but it had been and from the current tension he was feeling in his body, he knew it wasn't about to get easier.

Fortunately, class proved to be enough distraction for the rest of the afternoon even though it felt like a pain to get through.

His relief of being done with his classes for the day was brief as the thought of his essay waiting to be written came back to the forefront of his mind.

Usually, Jonghyun didn't have that much trouble getting to work and actually getting some shit done, but today was different. Despite having found himself a free cubicle and having set all that he needed in front of himself to write, he came up blank. By the time it was almost six o'clock, he had added three more lines to his already short paragraph, the realization making him groan in frustration.

Knowing Jaehyeon was going to text him any minute now, he closed up shop and made his way back to his locker. As anticipated, his phone buzzed just as he was putting some of his things inside. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out.

_[ Doooooone. Where are u?]_ He read.

_[At my locker.]_ He typed back.

It was a few minutes before the other appeared before him.

'' I thought you'd be at the library, '' Jaehyeon immediately noted, confused.

'' I can't concentrate, '' Jonghyun admitted, still mad at himself.

'' Oh, '' Jaehyeon exclaimed, biting his tongue again to not ask more questions on the matter.

'' So do you want to head out? '' he asked instead.

The answer was immediate.

'' Yes. ''

'' Okay... '' Jaehyeon acknowledged, a little taken aback by the desperation he felt in that single word.

'' Do you want to go to a café or something? ''

Jonghyun pondered the thought for a moment.

'' Actually, '' he started, mulling over the thought that had just popped up in his mind. '' Could we go to your dorm? '' he ultimately dared to ask.

Jaehyeon's eyes widened. '' But I thought you didn't-

'' I changed my mind, '' Jonghyun interjected. '' Let's go, '' he then said before he actually changed his mind again.

'' Okay, '' Jaehyeon said with a smile. '' I'll just grab my stuff. ''

He immediately dashed off the other way, leaving Jonghyun to ponder again. Deep down, he knew this wasn't the way to go, but stronger than that knowledge was his need to escape. Did he feel guilty? Yes. Did he fear the consequences? Yes.

But he also felt like he couldn't go back home right now. Not yet.

He pulled out his phone and as soon as the message window was open, he started typing.

_[Minho wanted to hang out again. I don't know when I'll be getting back so don't wait up.]_

He wasn't sure if the lie would hold up, but he didn't want to care about that in the moment. So he turned off his phone, put on his outdoor clothing and headed forward to join his friend.


End file.
